Advice Column: If I Don't Like His Friends, Am I A Racist?

A number of you heeded my call for questions. Here's a good one:

I am 29 and moved to Echo Park 3 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota. I have been dating my boyfriend “Carlos” for nearly a year now. He is a sweet, handsome, fun loving guy, and we connect on many levels. We live about 10 blocks apart. He spends most nights at my apartment and we have talked about moving in together.

So what’s the problem? Carlos is Latino. He grew up in East LA and he has a closely knit group of friends who are mostly Latino. You’ve probably guessed that I am white being from North Dakota. I like many of Carlos’ friends but some of them rub me the wrong way, and I really dislike his best friend from high school. Whenever I say anything negative about one of his friends he calls me a racist, and he’s serious. I don’t think that I’m being racist, but if I say so he says I am being defensive which only proves that he’s right. Then we get into a major argument and go days without talking to one another. 

I have stopped sharing with him my feelings about his friends. However, I find myself becoming increasingly resentful that I have to keep my feelings to myself. I love Carlos and want our relationship to work.  Am I a racist because I don’t like some of his friends? What can I do to stop my growing feelings of anger towards Carlos? Do you have any advice that you can give me?

Distraught White Girl

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Dear Distraught:

While racism is far less common than in the past, we still don’t live in a colorblind society. Much of today’s racism is more subtle than the overt racism of past generations.

At a recent party in Silver Lake, I overheard a guy telling another guy that he was from Mexico. “Oh, you don’t look Mexican,” the guy responded. “Your skin is lighter. I would say you look more European. I bet it helps you get lucky with the girls.” Then he went on to say something like, “It’s a good thing that you don’t look like you’re Mexican.” I couldn’t believe my ears. And worst of all, I don’t think the guy even realized how offensive his comment was.

But back to your issue: are you “a racist because you don’t like some of his friends?” The answer is no. You can legitimately dislike someone from a different race or ethnic group without being racist.

When I was in the third and fourth grades, I attended an almost all black public school--I was one of seven white kids. And, guess what? There were kids I liked and kids I didn’t like. My friendships had nothing to do with skin color, but with whether we clicked on a personal level.

When you tell Carlos that you don’t like one of his friends be very clear about what it is that you don’t like. For instance, “I don’t like Marc because he is inconsiderate and unreliable.” Then give some solid examples that support your opinion. On the other hand, if your reason for not liking one of his friends is because of a cultural, ethnic or racial characteristic– or stereotype– then you are being racist and you need to do some serious soul-searching.

Also, it’s very possible that Carlos has personally experienced racism–yes, even in Los Angeles. Ask him if he has, and if he has how those experiences have influenced his feelings towards non-Latinos. It may be that when you’re negative towards one of his friends those feelings get triggered, causing him to view your comments as racially motivated even though that isn’t the case. Relationship rule number one: always communicate openly and honestly.

Let me know how it goes with you and Carlos.    

Got question for me? Email me at wesford@aol.com. Questions will be kept confidential, though they may be edited.

Wes Ford has been a practicing marriage and family counselor and has taught university courses in the sociology of marriage and the family. He has graduate degrees from University of Western Ontario and University of California, Berkeley.  He has lived in Silver Lake for nearly 25 years and recently published a book titled How to Pick a Lover: For Women Who Want to Win at Love.