Advice Column: Is It OK to Date a Pothead?

Last week we kicked off the column with a general question about women's sexuality. We also put out a call for questions from you, the readers of Echo Park Patch.

And we got a few. Here's one and my answer.

I am 25 and have been dating a thoughtful, attentive and incredibly caring guy for about 5 months now. When we met a friend’s party in Echo Park, he was on the deck smoking a cigarette. I don’t smoke or generally like people who do, but after dating a few times I was so taken with him that I decided to overlook his smoking. However, he recently told me that he also smokes pot and gets high almost every night that we are not together.

I was shocked.  He pays his bills; he is responsible; it appears not to interfere with his job; and he is always very nice to me.  All the same pot is illegal,and it really bothers me that he is breaking the law. I talked to him about it and told him that if we are to get married or have a long-term commitment, this is a deal breaker.  He said he would consider quitting his pot smoking down the road if it meant staying with me.

My question is, should I end the relationship now or allow it to progress knowing that he is willing to consider stopping down the road before we get married?  And, is it even okay to date a pothead?

I am confused and contemplating whether to end things.

Pothead Lover

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 Dear Pothead Lover:

Slow down Daisy Mae. Pothead or no pothead, it is way too soon to be planning a walk down the aisle. Let’s face it; it took five months to discover that your man is an avid pothead. Chances are you will learn even more about him over the next five months. Remember you are still in the discovery phase of the relationship. That is why we date. Be sure to do a full in-depth interview and to check all of his references thoroughly before even granting yourself permission to daydream about marrying Li’l Abner

Now to your question–if you are dead set against pot, if it offends you deeply, and if you hate the idea, get out now. You did say it was a deal breaker. Besides, who wants a pothead husband and father driving their children around or being stoned and forgetting to pick the kids up at school? Not that he would necessarily do that, but if he did, you’d blame the pot. As for his cigarette smoking–which you are willing to overlook–it could be even more dangerous than his pot smoking. The negative health effects of cigarettes and second hand smoke are well known.

Even if he promises to quit “down the road,” he may not be able to.  The truth is potheads often keep smoking their whole lives, and cigarettes may be even more addictive than pot. Also, consider that should he quit, you may not like the new sober non-pothead guy. What makes him the “thoughtful, attentive and incredibly caring guy” that he is may very well be his pot smoking.

And yes, it is okay to date a pothead, as long as it doesn’t bother you. I personally know people who have smoked pot all their lives with no apparent consequences, just as is true of people who often end their day with a cocktail. They seem healthy, happy, and productive. Then again, I do live in Silver Lake and not Orange County.    

What do you think Pot Lover should do?  Tell us in comments.

Also, got question for me? Email me at wesford@aol.com. Questions will be kept confidential, though they may be edited.

Wes Ford has been a practicing marriage and family counselor and has taught university courses in the sociology of marriage and the family. He has graduate degrees from University of Western Ontario and University of California, Berkeley.  He has lived in Silver Lake for nearly 25 years and recently published a book titled How to Pick a Lover: For Women Who Want to Win at Love.