Advice: Roomate or Soulmate?

Q: I met Ken in a Silver Lake bar in 2008. We clicked immediately, and I fell in love with him despite his serious drug use (coke, crack, mushrooms, etc). We had an on/off again relationship for about a year--mostly because I’ve never used drugs, and I was uncomfortable being around them. During one of our on again periods, my birth control failed, and I became pregnant. When I told him he was happy and determined “to do right by his family.”

During this time he was living with a female roommate with whom he’d had a previous romantic relationship. He assured me repeatedly that I had nothing to worry about. My first clue that he wasn’t being honest was after I became pregnant and, for various reasons, he wouldn’t move out or ask her to move out.

It totally upset me, and I stopped seeing him. A month later, when I showed him an ultrasound of the baby, he begged me to get back together, and I agreed. I thought it was a long shot but I really loved him. We agreed to get our own place and things were wonderful between us. So what’s the problem?

A couple months later, while unpacking in our new apartment, I found several letters he had written to his roommate. They were horrible! He told her I was a giant mistake,and it should have been her pregnant, he had used me for sex and money, and that he would find a way to be with her.

He told me that he wrote those things while we were apart and he was on drugs, and that he loved me and had no feelings for her. But then I found out he was constantly texting her, and I went psycho. I did and said some awful things that were not like me.

The relationship has been shaky ever since.  He tries. He really does. Even though he hasn’t communicated with her for 6 months, I continue to feel obsessive and panicked by the very thought of her. I’m now trying to hurt him the way he hurt me. Last week I told him that my daughter and I would be better off if he was dead. I can’t shake what I read in his letters. Although he’s an excellent father and has changed a lot for me and my daughter, it’s not enough for me.

How can I get over this? Is this worth saving? My daughter turns one next week and it won’t be long before she knows how screwed up everything really is. What is wrong with me? I trusted him more when he was a drug addict. Those letters ruined my trust…help me.

On The Edge in Echo Park

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Dear On The Edge

I suspect that at some level you already know the answer to your questions. Your real problem is finding the strength to act on them.

You’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster ride the entire three years of your relationship and it’s clouding your judgment. I’m encouraged that you’re concerned about your daughter and not just yourself.

You say that you trusted Ken more when he was a drug addict. Let’s be honest – you’ve never trusted him. Trust is the most important ingredient in a relationship – and you don’t have it – and without trust it doesn’t matter how many changes Ken makes, they won’t be enough for you.

I know nothing about your past relationships or whether you have a history of falling in love with men who aren’t right for you. There have been many red flags from the beginning. How many red flags do you need before you can see that any future with Ken is likely to be bleak at best? Just loving someone doesn’t make them right for you or you for them.

Why do you insist on staying in such an emotionally destructive relationship? Is your self-esteem so low that you don’t think you deserve better. Believe me, you deserve much better! If you stay in this relationship you’re only delaying the inevitable, and setting yourself up for more needless hurt and disappointment. You knew it was a long shot from the beginning.

Step back and read your letter as if it’s from a friend asking your advice.  What advice would you give her? You already know what you have to do. It’s time for you to focus on finding the strength that you need to move on with your life. The longer you delay the greater the chances are you’ll ruin both your life and your daughter’s.

I wish all the best. Let me know how it all works out.

Got a relationships question? Email me at wesford@aol.com. Questions will be kept confidential, though they may be edited.

Wes Ford has been a practicing marriage and family counselor and has taught university courses in the sociology of marriage and the family. He has graduate degrees from University of Western Ontario and University of California, Berkeley.  He has lived in Silver Lake for nearly 25 years and recently published a book titled How to Pick a Lover: For Women Who Want to Win at Love.