The Scream Team

My wife was recently reading a magazine article that claimed to translate a variable symphony of our babies' cries. Even when you have twins, there are at best three. No. 1 and No. 2 are, well, No. 1 and No. 2. The third is when it's time to eat, which is pretty much all the time. And even if it were more complicated than that, when the screaming starts, I'm not really interested in getting all Jane Goodall about it; I'm just happy when I can make it stop. Now that's not to say I don't pay attention, because I've discovered there is in fact one more reason my sons cry: for my amusement. Here are a few of their greatest hits so far:

• The Count: When my oldest son really gets going and needs to reload, he often ends up laughing much like Sesame Street's famous pimp, er, vampire character. "How many hours of sleep will you get tonight? One, two hours! Ah ah ah!"
• The Ragin' Cajun: A high-pitched "Ay-eee!" that normally can only be achieved while using a washboard as a musical instrument and/or piloting a fan boat. Increased accuracy can likely be attributed to lack of teeth.
• The Rage Against the Machine: Named for the band of the same name fronted by Orange County native Zack de la Rocha, this cry occurs just when I think my younger son is going to calm down, at which point he launches into his finale, the infant equivalent of telling me to go eff myself about 10 times in a row.
• The Otis Day and the Knights: A variation of the Rage Against the Machine for the older crowd. This one happens when my older son's crying slowly starts to taper off ("a little bit softer now, a little bit softer now"), making us believe he's falling asleep. But if you know the song (and you've ever been to a wedding or Bar Mitzvah, you should), you know what's coming next: "A little bit louder now, a little bit louder now..."
• The Iowa Caucus: "Not only am I gonna need my diaper changed, Tom Harkin, I'm gonna need a bottle, I'm gonna need it warmed up, I'm gonna need to be burped, I'm gonna need to be changed again, and then I'm gonna need to be rocked for at least 15 minutes before I'll even consider going back to sleep! Yeeeeeeeah!"