How to Be Single on Valentine's Day

“Don’t spend Valentine’s Day alone," said Marin single scene guru Rich Gosse. “Go out and meet some single people!”

“Contrived singles parties? No,” responds Nikki Silverstein, perpetually single Marin-ite and Single in the Suburbs columnist. 

Should you put your best dressed foot forward or stay in your pajamas and brood? Members of the local singles establishment are divided on this bittersweet subject. 

Alongside the stepped up Hearts on Fire diamond commercials, frilly cards and faithful suitors buying overpriced roses at the 11th hour, Valentine’s Day inspires some decidedly unromantic opinions and the creation of at least two additional ‘holidays’: Singles Awareness Day and Anti-Valentine’s Day, in which celebrants are encouraged to dine on skewers, sour cherries and the most bitter chocolate possible, while loudly singing Love Stinks.

While love may or may not be here to stay, the rosy little Cupid is. How will you contend with him this coming Monday?

Get out of the house

“Hi, I’m rich!” jokes Gosse, chairman of the San Rafael-based Society of Single Professionals, the world’s largest non-profit singles organization. Another one of his favorite introductions: “Hi, I’m a jerk.”  

It’s a high-risk line, said Gosse. Some laugh and others stare and say, "I thought so." But the point is that the only line you should avoid is the non-existent one.  

There are tens of thousands of singles in Marin right now, hoping to meet someone for Valentine’s Day, said Gosse, who has shared his dating wisdom on Oprah and CNN. Gosse views Valentine’s Day not as a time for lovelorn self-imposed exile, but as an ideal opportunity to find your dream date. “Everyone is motivated now – more than the rest of the year. Because nobody wants to be alone on Valentine’s Day.”

Gosse, whose organization will host six Valentine’s Day parties this year (details here), describes the events as much more than mere gatherings. “We make people feel comfortable, because we go out of the way to help people to meet,” he said, highlighting such features as the group’s Meet Your Valentine in 2011convention, author-speakers, mixer games and free appetizers. “A singles party is the best place to meet people. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel – you can’t miss.”

But for Nikki “Single in the Suburbs” Silverstein, the ‘on purpose’ singles party just adds insult to injury. “It’s like rubbing your face in it. It’s not your day,” she said. Instead, she advises going with a friend to a funny movie, grabbing a burger at In 'N Out “because you won’t find romantic couples in there” or heading to a dog park in the early evening (“these people are not getting ready to go out on the town”).  But, she adds, bring a dog with you.

One thing there is consensus on is that the hot singles scene isn't here. 

“Marin can be treacherous,” said San Rafael-based psychologist Roberta Seifert. “It’s a more married, suburban and buttoned-down community,” she says, “and Marin hotspots? There aren’t a lot, to be honest.”

Gosse agrees. “The cultural events and party scene is found more in San Francisco – art galleries, night clubs.w We do a lot of our parties in San Francisco for that reason.”  

Finding love here, and elsewhere

Whether or not you choose to celebrate Valentine’s Day, companionship (which literally means ‘to break bread together’) is a basic human need, says Seifert. “Single people can’t make believe they don’t need it,” she emphasizes. “If you are single, you have to put more energy into creating community, being with people who care about you and vice-versa.”    

Seifert recommends the internet as efficient and potentially very useful, if you can look at it as, well, a tool. “You need to remove yourself emotionally,” she said, “and consider it a part-time job,” requiring high self-esteem, reinforcement from friends and the ability to see rejection simply as "time saved."

Gosse also likes speed dating, but advises that “it’s hard to get the 50/50 balance.” The over-40 crowd seems to be dominated by women, he said.

Get out of the house, ‘go where the ducks are’ and initiate contact.

Gosse’s three rules for finding love begin with simply getting out. Recalling the famous Marina Safeway (also known as “Dateway”) he says that a lot of people meet simply waiting in line at the supermarket or post office. 

"Do what you like to do and you will meet others is disastrous advice," warns Gosse. “A man will only meet men at a pool tournament or boxing match. And conversely, a woman has to do the awful things that men like to do. The purpose is not to enjoy yourself, but to meet someone of the opposite sex.”

“Most singles go where the ducks aren’t,” he explains. If you are a man, do what women like to do – go to cultural events, crafts fairs, yoga classes. And go shopping. “You never see single guys at these places,” he said, “other than the guys whose wives made them go.” In an extreme example, he tells of a guy who took a class on PMS. “The women actually loved meeting a guy who was sensitive to women’s problems,” he said. “Think outside the box.”

Most vital is what Gosse refers to as the killer rule. “Some poor fool has to put their ego on the line, initiate contact and take the risk of being rejected,” he counsels. “This is especially important for women who have always received the disastrous advice to play hard to get. I tell women if you play hard to get, you need to settle for what you get.”

We all need to put out energy, said Seifert. “The worst mistake for singles - or for couples too for that matter -  is to be passive and assume you don’t need to put out the energy.” As far as Valentine’s Day goes, “don’t take it too seriously,” she says. “Like all holidays, it can be challenging if your expectations are out of sync with reality.”

Romantic notions aside

Another definition of Valentine’s Day may be to simply look at it as a time to take care of yourself and take stock of what you have.  “They don’t mean to rub your nose in it,” says Silverstein.  “Pamper yourself if you stay home alone, you deserve it."

“If you focus on what you don’t have, it’s the definition of misery,” says Seifert. “Take care of yourself on Valentine’s Day – be with friends.  And think about what makes your life full and rich.”

Resources:

The Society of Single Professionals

North Bay Single Parents

Roberta Seifert, PhD

Single in the Suburbs