Someone To Lean On

MMMmmm … Chocolate!

There's nothing quite like that exotic, dark treat to snap you out of a funk. I was having a low-energy weekend, but some strawberries and bananas dipped in chocolate by the dainty hand of my fiancee gave me a spark.

Note: She used dark chocolate, which is supposed to be a Super Food, so we tried to count it all as a healthy dessert.

OK, the chocolate treasures satisfied my taste buds, but it was just being able to enjoy something with Tracy that was really special.

There's never a day when I can completely forget I have carcinoid cancer, but most days I don't let it worry me too much. Then there are those days when it just takes over.

Why do I have cancer? I never smoked or did drugs or anything else that might lead to cancer.

Who's to blame for my cancer? Working at newspaper offices, there were always signs about cancer risks, but those weren't in the newsroom where I worked. The biggest problem at the papers was always the second-hand smoke of my co-workers.

Why are we meant to suffer? Why do children get cancer? Why must some parents lose their children?

I get depressed and angry as these thoughts fill my head sometimes. I know there's no answer that will satisfy me, so I just try to erase the questions from my head entirely.

I've always been a fan of Steve McQueen and James Dean, although I'd rather live fast, die old and leave debonair corpse. I'll sometimes hop in my car, turn the radio up loud enough to drown out any thoughts and take a scenic ride.

This isn't a great solution for my anger and I know I'm not the only one fighting with these emotions.

This isn't happening just to me, it's also happening to Tracy. She doesn't need any extra stress in her life, but I am glad to have her by my side.

Tracy joined me on my first visit to Cedars-Sinai in L.A. — frankly, I've never had much desire to visit L.A., especially for something like this. She's a great traveling companion and we enjoyed all the sites from Highway 1 to Solvang to L.A. Actually, Tracy did all the driving once we got to the L.A. area and never got us lost.

Together, we enjoyed a mini-vacation with visits to the La Brea Tar Pits and the CBS Studios to watch a taping of the Craig Ferguson show. If we didn't have to go to the hospital, it might have been a great memory.

Left to my own, it would have been a rough trip. There was one guy with an off-key banjo at the tar pits who just got on my last nerve. He kept playing louder and louder while I was on the phone trying to make sure my medical records had been delivered to the hospital. Fortunately for the troubadour — and the groups of school children around — Tracy kept me calm and relaxed.

I tried to do the same for her, but it's tough for both of us in the face of discouraging news. I'll never forgive Dr. Ed Wolin for making Tracy cry when he delivered his diagnosis at Cedars-Sinai. I'm kind of protective about her, just as she tries to protect me.

Tracy's convinced me to go to Weight Watchers and 24 Hour Fitness with her, while we both try to get healthy. The last thing I normally want to do is get up at 8:30 Sunday morning for a kickboxing class, but she got me out of bed and over to the gym. And I'm glad she did.

We do a lot of things together to try to prevent cancer from dominating our lives. We volunteered at Green Gulch farm recently to pick organic vegetables for school lunches. We also volunteered at the Marin Humane Society … the animals are a great source of comfort. We're even working with my dad to build some new furniture for our apartment.

Cancer is something we do have to deal with, though, and sometimes we need help. The Marin Cancer Institute has a few counseling events, including one coming up later this month for cancer patients and their families. We'll probably check it out and maybe enjoy some chocolate-dipped strawberries afterward.