Bearing the Cross: Sharing the Burden [Letter, Gallery]

Editor’s note: Retired Navy Chaplain Scott Radetski — author of this letter — was assigned to Camp Pendleton from June 2003 to Jan. 2007. In that time, he deployed to Iraq and became friends with Marines who died in separate incidents there, including Maj. Ramon Mendoza, Maj. Douglas Zembiec and Lance Cpl. Robert Zurheide. He was one of several friends and family of the fallen Marines who raised a cross on a Camp Pendleton peak on Veterans Day.  

Transferring from Camp Pendleton was one of the most difficult transfers I’ve ever experienced.  I had been adopted in the Corps and they had become “like a friend closer than a brother.”  Going back to the blue side felt like I was abandoning the Marine Corps.  I had entered into an ethos like no other – where the love for another Marine was expressed with the willingness to sacrifice their own.  The day I transferred it felt as if my heart, soul, and spirit were being torn apart – I had to fight to get off the base.

Once the plane was in the air – emotions I had rejected surfaced and I wept and wept.  The brothers I had lost and those who were wounded flooded my heart.  The distance that once existed came crashing in – the pain was overwhelming and I rejected its presence and burying the emotions even deeper.

Once in Washington State – I thought I was safe from my feelings.  There was a Marine Company that protected the nuclear weapons on the submarines.  I forget the reason that brought me into their command post – but there, I saw a plaque commemorating a 2/1 Marine we lost in Fallujah.  His previous unit honored his prowess to lay down his life – and the day he died flooded back to my memory.

Then came the death of a giant, the “Lion of Fallujah,” he was my friend, my brother, we had carried the cross together.  I was honored to perform his wedding at the Naval Academy – he taught me, courage, teamwork and the ethos of the Corps.  I walked into the house – my wife said she had some bad news.  She told me Doug’s First Sergeant from Iraq had called and Doug was “Killed in Action.”  Pam his wife asked if I would be part of the graveside service – I said yes and pushed the feelings even deeper.  I found it impossible to attend the reception after the service – I hid in my hotel room until the flight out the next day.

Five months later the cross we had carried to the top of Horno in 2003 was burned to the ground by wild fires – all I could think about was another loss. Now three of the seven warriors who carried it were gone. The pain and burdens once carried could no longer be contained – they manifested themselves in disorganized anger, frustration and rage.   After breaking my fist on my desk – I was set up for an appointment with the Psych Department at Bremerton Hospital.

Weekly counseling appointments, two inpatient post-traumatic stress disorder treatment programs at the VA hospital, one before and one after retirement in 2008 had brought me to a deeper understanding of the struggle between the loss and love of Marines.  I was ashamed for a very long time – believing I was weak and pathetic – diagnosis with Chronic PTSD with Major Depression.

The day after Christmas 2009 lead me to the top of Horno – to place a plaque identifying and memorializing the original seven.  In 2010, a seed was planted to restore the initial cross carried by my brothers – but this time making it fire proof. A date of 11/11/11 was discussed, but never finalized.

I am currently working on a post-master’s certificate program for mental health professionals – the course work for the fall quarter was “Integrating Spirituality and Psychotherapy.”  My final paper addressed the fact that a counselor can’t ask someone to do something they are not willing to do themselves.  For me to heal and grow, I needed to address my pain, sadness, and loss associated with the death of Robert, Ray and Doug.

The significance of the cross whether real or fable – embraces the ethos I experienced in the Marine Corps, a willingness to lay down one’s life for another Marine.  The initial experience involved a cross – the three killed carried their own memorial to the top.  The children and spouses have been impacted deeply by the cross – including the sacrifices of their husband and father.  Countless stories support the significance of the cross, the journey and the symbolism it embraces, mine is only one.

“Keep the Cross.”

Scott Radetski is a resident of Paulsbo, WA.