From Nurse Barb: 7 Essential Questions for Every Teen

By NURSE BARB (Star Patcher)

As summer starts you may be thinking about your graduating teen and whether they are really ready for their independence. As you think about this, here are some questions to get you started with some context for why it’s important both short and long term.

1. Does your teen know how to make friends and be a good friend?

Do they have friends they can call on? Do they know how to applaud a friend’s success and also be there when they’re down? Are they having fun? Can they work with others in a group? They don’t need to have a tons of friends, often one friend is enough when times are tough.

Knowing how to make friends is one of the most important life skills we all need through out our lives. You might have a National Merit Scholar in your house, but they still need to know how to interact with roommates, people in the dorms and in class. Kids who are isolated take more risks. You may not like their friends, but do get to know them.

2. Does your teen know how to talk to people?

Do they know basic manners and etiquette? Can they look adults in the eye, shake hands, introduce themselves, and carry on a conversation? Will they be able to navigate talking to a supervisor at work, the TA’s, professors, RA’s, or coaches? Can they communicate with respect? If it’s all about them, other people get tired of that pretty quickly, which can lead to a lot of frustration and misunderstandings.

We all know a lot of people of all ages who are super smart, but whose lack of basic communication skills prevent them from realizing their full potential. If you’re teen is struggling with this, an entry level job will really help.

3. Does your teen care about other people’s feelings?

It’s normal and natural for teens to be 99% self-absorbed. After all, besides the toddler stage, this is the time in life that the entire universe revolves around them. Really, it does, and a memory-lane-news flash....it did for you too when you were their age. Yes, it did, your mom told me! That’s why a single minuscule pimple is a major catastrophe and can ruin not just their day, but the entire week.

Teens are so busy obsessing over what everyone thinks of them that it’s difficult to care about others, however that self absorption is actually very isolating. Caring for a pet, being part of a team, babysitting, volunteering, working at an after-school job, finding summer employment, even calling grandparents regularly helps give teens valuable perspective that they are just one part of the larger world and everyone has their own dramas.

4. Can you count on them to do the dishes and put out the garbage?

Let’s face it, unless you’re Bill Gates, you probably have to put out the garbage, wash the dishes and do some laundry. Menial, repetitive tasks are more important than most people would guess. As Dr. Phil says, “The way you do Anything is the way you doEverything.” My grandmother used to say something similar, “Do everything to the best of your ability.”

Guess what? Slackers have trouble supporting themselves while they’re finding their true passion in life. When an economic downturn or layoffs occur and we suddenly discover that we don’t need as many engineers, marketing geniuses, or accountants as we thought, people have to readjust and do other work.

No matter what your kid is planning to study, there’s no guarantee of future employment, steady paychecks and an easier life. Really, please get this in your head. There are NO guarantees, unless they have a trust fund, and even then, lots of people spend it all quickly. So if your teen knows how to roll up their sleeves, doesn’t have too much pride, has some inner motivation to work, that’s the best guarantee that they’ll be able to support themselves no matter what. We all know geniuses and people with advanced degrees who are aren’t able to work for lots of reasons or can’t possibly take a position that’s beneath them to support themselves, so could you lend them some money?

And, here’s a hint for mom and dad, try NOT to reward your teen for menial tasks, because as far as I know, you’re not getting any medals or special recognition for doing the laundry, paying the bills, buying the groceries and putting gas in the car. (And if you are, where do I sign up for that?)

5. How do they handle frustration?

Are you living with a teen who hasn’t experienced a lot disappointment or hasn’t had the opportunity to learn that sometimes life isn’t fair? Have they always picked up the trophy for participating? Been included in the school play? Made the team? Maybe they’ve had mom or dad write a note or make a call to shield them from failure, rejection, or disappointment?

We’re surrounded by a lot of kids who are used to getting everything they want without having to spend hours working toward something, sitting on the bench, or practicing for months and still being disappointed. Many parents, understandably want to avoid discouraging their kids, and help out with homework, coaches, pushing and prodding, solving problems and providing the answers, but this leads to kids who aren’t prepared for the inevitable disappointments in life. Some react by skirting the rules, not taking “No” for an answer, others throw in the towel, give up and some continue to call mom and dad for help.

6. Can they solve problems?

I don’t mean complicated math or physics problems? I mean do they have the tools they need to navigate their own life? Can they stop and think and come up with options when they’re faced with a curve ball?

• Can they do their own laundry?

• Figure out how to talk to roommate?

• Get to urgent care if they’re sick?

• Get home if they miss a train, bus or flight?

• Can they figure out who to ask or where to go if they need more help?

• Can they take care of themselves when you’re not there?

Here’s an exercise you can try at home. Ask them to do something and then let them figure out how to do it without laying it out step by step. You might have them deal with a leaky toilet, something that breaks in your home, rescheduling an appointment, refilling a prescription, setting up a bank account, having them work out what they would do if they ran out of money and they lost their phone and wallet.

7. Are they interested in life and learning?

Sometimes this takes longer to develop and they may not find anything besides their smart phone, music, pizza or playing Frisbee for a while. Is there something that resonates with them? Perhaps a trip to a national park, a love of fashion, sports, the environment, or maybe appreciation of good food. The key is to expose them to the multitude and variety of what life has to offer so that they can find what resonates with them. It’s not about the money, if they know how to work, they can earn money, it’s about finding fulfillment, hopefully in their work, through volunteering or in their personal life.

I know that this isn’t a complete list and it won’t apply to everyone. As I say to my son, “Everyone has challenges. You can’t choose what you’re faced with, but you can choose how you’ll deal with them.”

Nurse Barb is a practicing Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner at Women Physicians in Mt. View with Dr. Katherine Sutherland. She also appears on television as a health expert and believes in empowering people with health information.