Teaching Children to Exchange Questions and Comments

Written by Didiana De La Osa, M.S., BCaBA

There are times when children feel uncomfortable entering or maintaining conversations with others. Sometimes they do not how to carry a conversation or what to talk about. Other times the speaker is so excited about the topic of conversation that they forget to give others a chance to comment. Teaching children and adolescents how to exchange questions and comments is a critical skill for their social and academic lives. This blog will give parents some basic steps to follow when teaching this skill.

1. The first step in having an appropriate conversation is to look at the other person (or the speaker if in a group). Children should not be engaging in other activities, such as texting, while someone is talking to them. A simple prompt to make eye contact should suffice. If asking the person to make eye contact is not enough, perhaps the skill should be practiced in an area where there are no distractions, such as access to a computer.

2. Next, the child should listen to the speaker. Making eye contact is not enough if the child is not attending to the topic or flow of conversation. Explain to your child that they should attend to what the person is saying so that they can comment later on and remain on topic. In addition, it is important to notice body cues. Children can be taught what facial and body cues indicate if the other person is interested or would prefer to change topics. It is also critical to teach your child to watch their own body posture. They should be sitting appropriately based on the setting and context of the conversation (e.g. a conversation at the beach will look differently than one in a classroom with a teacher).

3. As mentioned earlier, the child should remain on topic. They should be reminded to engage the other person in conversation. Have your child comment on what was said earlier or ask clarification questions if necessary. For example, if the children are discussing a new video game and one child is not familiar with it, they may need to indicate this and ask the other child to describe the game and its characters. Similarly, if the children are discussing a game they are both interested in, comments on how advanced the other child is in the game or tips on how to progress more quickly can be made. If the child is engaged in a conversation where they are not interested in the topic, they should be able to switch topics appropriately. Continuing with the video game example, if the child has asked clarification questions and is not interested in the game being discussed, they can transition from one game to another. This can occur if the child makes a comment such as “I am not sure if I would like that game” or “I don’t think that is for me” and then comments on a game they do enjoy. This would be a good opportunity to ask the person if they know about the game or if they like playing it. Remind your child to avoid making rude or inappropriate comments about non-preferred topics.

4. It is important to contribute to a conversation, but is also important to allow others to speak. It may be necessary to remind your child to avoid interrupting others or monopolizing the conversation. This is particularly important if it is a preferred topic. There are times when someone can mention that they purchased a new electronic gadget that your child may want or even have. This may spark their interest and they may begin to state the details of the hardware or software capabilities of the gadget. This conversation can easily become a monologue in which your child is talking for an extended period of time without allowing others to contribute. It may be necessary to ask them to limit their contribution to two to three sentences or to ask the person if they are already aware of the details regarding their new electronics before discussing them.

5. A good rule for having a conversation is that there should be a constant exchange between those involved. It may be helpful to role play this with your child by having an item that you pass back and forth signaling whose turn it is to speak. This may help to reduce interruptions and avoid monologues. It may be necessary to remove the designated item from your child in order to signal that their turn to speak has passed. Once they have become comfortable with this sort of transition, they can be prompted to hand over the designated item. Eventually they may hand over the item willingly and soon it may not be needed any longer.

These steps for maintaining a conversation may help your child become a better speaker and a better listener. It may improve their exchanges with peers and foster more appropriate social interactions. Furthermore, with this skill, children may feel more comfortable asking their instructors clarification questions to assist them in completing school work correctly. Feel free to tailor your approach to meet your child’s needs and adjust it as they progress.

Coucouvanis, J. (2005). Super Skills a social skills group program for children with Asperger
syndrome, high-functioning Autism and related disorders. Shawnee Mission, KS: Autism
Asperger Publishing Co.