I've Got Something to Say

I was super excited about something I had learned as I studied God's Word on my own as a young mother of two with hardly any extra time to get a full shower (you know the kind where you actually get to shave your legs) or apply make-up, much less study the Scriptures for more than 10 minutes without interruptions or delays. I don't mean to say my children were interruptions, but any of you who have ever had small children around for very long know what I mean when I refer to them for this post in that way. Right?

I was SO hungry for God's Word and so happy that I was sitting under the teaching of some people whose walks with Christ were the kind I wanted to emulate. I felt like Horshack from the old show "Welcome Back Kotter" every Sunday morning when I was the only one (in an adults' Bible Study class) who learned the memory verse and did all of the homework given out the week before. I was growing in my walk like never before. I didn't even care that I was still the nerd as an adult that I was back in school.

I read something in Romans that just "came alive" for me for the first time back then. There is no feeling quite like a personal word from God's Word to the heart of His child. It was a big mile marker in my own journey with my Heavenly Father as I was beginning to better understand His love--real, genuine, personal love--for me. Not just for the "whole world" which is great; but something more than even that: He loves me. I was excited about this new understanding of a certain passage and shared it with someone close to me who said, "You mean you didn't already know that?" This wasn't the first time I had heard those words, and I felt embarrassed and belittled and of course somewhat deflated in my enthusiasm. I decided not to share those kinds of experiences with people anymore. I never wanted to feel that stupid again.

I have journaled most of my life, so instead of telling anyone what God was teaching me, I would just write it all down in my journal. This was my quiet refuge for years...there was no one reading these entries besides me, my God, and perhaps my guardian angel, so I could pour it all out into the pages of those books. My excitement over a new understanding of an old truth. My struggle to understand a portion of Scripture and how it compared to my concept of God or myself. My sorrows during difficult times and my joy during times when God's presence felt like a security blanket wrapped around me. My journals were my safe place to be me without any fear of judgment from others.

One person I began to open up with was Stephen Hendrix. Once, when we were on a date, he made a comment to me that he wished he could read God's Word the way I do and get out of it what I get when I read and study. This blew my mind a bit. No one had ever said anything like this to me before. (I am so thankful for my best friend who also just happens to be my husband!) I would share some things with Stephen from time to time, but still, for the most part everything I learned was written into a journal.

And then one day, God called me to be a communicator~ a voice of truth to my generation...

As time passed, and as God confirmed this call upon my life to take what He was giving to me (that up to that point only went to my children or my journals for the most part), I began to gain confidence in this call and in the fact that He had given me some valuable nuggets that weren't just for me after all. 

A few years after I began to walk in this calling, I ran into a couple of women and in the brief small talk among us, one said to the other, "Do you attend Shelley's Bible Study?" Her reply surprised us both. "No. I hear her enough as it is." I hadn't had a conversation with that person in over six months at that point. Ouch.

Another time I was having lunch with some folks and in the conversation one of them was saying how he has a hard time coming up with things to say sometimes and then said to my husband, "And..." (looking at me) "no offense..." (back at Stephen) "but Shelley hardly ever shuts up." Ouch. I don't think I said two more words the rest of that lunch. Truth is, I had hardly said anything up to that point because I was trying to entertain a then much younger Jackson (my son) so that the adults could talk with one another. My husband tried to convince me that this was a compliment. (Bless his heart! lol) I told him that if one person wants to compliment another person, they should probably avoid prefacing said compliment with the words, "no offense, but..."

My journal heard a lot about that event. 

I gotta be me!

I'm a very strong Choleric/Sanguine mix. This means I am pretty much the extrovert in just about every situation. The choleric in me is bold and the sanguine in me likes to party. This can be a good thing, and it can also be a bad thing at times, like when the choleric in me comes across as bossy and the sanguine wants to talk and talk and talk... (Which is just another reason why I don't drink alcohol or much caffeine! I could get myself into so much trouble!)

I tried for years and years to be more subdued, quiet, invisible, and silent...all the attributes I thought a Christian woman should be...and it only wound up making me feel miserable and depressed. But coming to understand who God made me to be and living out of that design is not always easy to do, either. I think we get comfortable pretending to be what we think others want us to be. Not everyone is comfortable with us when we are just being ourselves...or even while we are learning who that is.

I was enjoying a conversation several years back with a fellow Christian speaker/author. She is a doll. She has so much to offer and is filled with enthusiasm and grace and is just delightful to be around. As she and I talked and talked and laughed and laughed, I began to feel the pull of that old insecurity of having said too much, and so I found myself apologizing to her for this. She looked me right in the eye and said, "Shelley, God gave you the gift of words--this is your calling--don't ever forget that and don't ever be sorry for it!" What a gift those words--her words--were to me!

I tend to talk fast (so that I don't take up too much time saying too many things), and I try to use as few words as possible whenever I can. I even try to keep blog posts at a minimum and the word count as short as possible (except in this one!)  I don't send a lot of emails because I know people are inundated with them as it is and I do not want to wear out my welcome in anyone's inbox. But as I was writing this latest book for my publishers at Harvest House, God really got through to me on something that He has been whispering to me for quite some time now.

I sent my manuscript for "Why Can't We All Just Get Along?!" to my editor a couple of weeks ago. She liked it, but said it needed about 20,000 more words. TWENTY THOUSAND MORE?? I was in  a little bit of shock at first. But then I read what another friend wrote to me in response to this, "How wonderful that your publisher wants to hear more of what you have to say."

More? Of what I have to say? 

I realized a long time ago that it is in the area of our greatest gifts and our calling that we will tend to experience our greatest insecurity and attack from the enemy of our souls. Just read through a few stories in Scripture where God called someone for a specific task and you'll find this scenario played out again and again. (Read Jeremiah 1 for just one of many examples!) We need to be aware of this so that we aren't caught completely off-guard when (not if) it happens to us. So, it's no longer a surprise to me when that little voice of condemnation goes off in my head: "Shut up, Shelley, no one cares to hear what you have to say."

Well, God is speaking and I am listening. Although I do believe that we don't need to talk just to hear our own voices or opinions, and although I get that I don't need to dominate conversations or even blog spaces, I also believe that when God has called someone to be a communicator, He intends for that person to communicate. The usual way for this to happen is to use words--not always--but a pretty good portion of that time.

I've got something to say. Not because I'm all-wise or because I deem this to be true. It is true because it is a part of who God has created me to be: a voice of truth in my generation.

I told my husband, Stephen, just this morning that I have been wrestling with this post for a few days. To post or not to post-that is the question! I just wrote an entire book on the struggle to find peace in the midst of challenging relationships with difficult people. I don't want to come across in the book or in this post as bitter or as though I'm trying get back at people who have hurt me. But in order to share my story and what God has taught me with any level of authenticity, I have to share real experiences that have helped to shape me into the person I am today.

I feel compelled to share this -not so much for my voice to be heard as much as for the woman out there who needs to read it. To know she is not alone. To know that someone else has felt this kind of angst, too. To know that if God has called her to something (1) she will probably struggle with some insecurities in that very area and (2) His calling on her life is secure--even if she is not. This means that if she will turn to Him with all of who she is, including her insecurities, she will begin to experience greater freedom as she allows Him to work on her heart as He transforms her mind. This is what the Father continues to do in my life for sure! I haven't arrived by anyone's definition of arriving, but I am thankful that I am not where I was even a few years ago...or even where I was before my editor asked for more.

Even as I enter my 8th year of public ministry, I'm still surprised when I hear a woman say after I've spoken, "I could have listened to you all day," because the message I received from those who have wounded me most in my life is, "You have nothing of value to share." God is redeeming those words and healing those old wounds. I find myself becoming more comfortable in the fact that not everyone is going to want to hear what I have to say or read what I have to write--and that is totally okay. God hasn't called me to speak into every life, but to be faithful to speak. In fact, there are some amazing communicators in our day with whom I personally just don't connect. And that is okay, too. I don't have time to listen to every word from everyone who has something great to say.

So, for those of you who have made it through this entire post with me, may I just say "Thank you" for listening and may I also encourage you to walk fully in the calling of God upon your life. There's a big world out there who desperately needs and awaits your unique contribution! God has given each of us a unique way to impact our world--don't be one of the 90% who dies with the dream still inside of them. Don't sit on your gifts just to make others more comfortable. Don't be afraid to take a few risks now and then. Be one of the 10% who fully lives and fully engages in the life God has given her!!