Israel-Hamas: How To Talk To Your Kids, Practice Self-Care

NEW JERSEY — The ongoing war between Israel and Hamas has wounded the hearts of people across the world, including those thousands of miles away in New Jersey. But if you’re one of the many Garden State residents who are hurting and need some guidance on how to support yourself and the ones you love – you’re not alone, advocates say.

In the wake of last week’s attacks, Jewish Family Service of MetroWest New Jersey (JFS) has been reaching out to the community with resources and support groups, all aimed at helping people navigate their way through the “deep, emotional reactions” that take place when a tragic event occurs.

Here are some resources that may help to light a candle amid the darkness.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Before you start thinking about ways to help others – including children – it’s important to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, JFS says. It’s not selfish … it’s essential.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy.

“Balancing our own emotions while wanting to support others and fulfill our other responsibilities can feel overwhelming,” the nonprofit writes. “How do we offer support to our loved ones? How do we engage in meaningful conversations? How do we take the time to care for ourselves while not neglecting our personal and professional responsibilities?”

Here are some important things to keep in mind, according to JFS (read more about each tip here):

• “Acknowledge your emotions”
• “Talk about it”
• “Limit exposure to media”
• “Practice self-care activities”
• “Utilize grounding or relaxation techniques when feeling overwhelmed”
• “Maintain a routine”
• “Engage in acts of kindness”
• “Seek solace in community”
• “Practice self-compassion”

“Remember, everyone copes with tragedy differently, so it is essential to find what works best for you,” the nonprofit encourages. “If you find that your emotions are becoming overwhelming or interfering with your daily life, do not hesitate to seek professional help.”

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT TRAGIC EVENTS

Think it’s tough making sense of the tragedy as an adult? Imagine what it’s like to be a child right now, advocates say.

In an effort to help local parents who are struggling to find the right words, JFS has released a checklist to run down before embarking on that very difficult – but immensely important – conversation. View the full list online here.

Their suggestions include:

HELP YOURSELF FIRST – This horrific event has deeply affected adults. Before talking to your child, find ways to get help and comfort for yourself. Make sure you are talking to the child in order to help your child and not as a way to try to process and make sense of this tragedy for yourself, as adults often need to do.

DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS – Do not assume that your child is feeling what you are feeling. It’s ok if they are worried or sad, but it’s also ok if they are not. This may be different depending on your children’s developmental levels, personalities and life experiences. Inquire and listen about their experience and reactions.

PICK A GOOD TIME – Find an appropriate time to talk. When talking to your child, choose a place where you can talk without being interrupted. Choose a time when the conversation is not rushed, and the child feels they can be listened to and have questions answered.

BE PATIENT – Create the opportunity/invitation to talk. Be patient; children and youth do not always talk about their feelings readily. Watch for clues that they may want to talk.

LISTEN – Let your child take the lead. As children tell you what they know or ask questions, give them the space to talk without interruption.

KEEP IT SIMPLE – Children do not need to know most of the details about the traumatic event and we do not want to scare them further with facts that are too much for them to handle.

KEEP AGE IN MIND – Have the conversation be developmentally appropriate. Young children need brief, simple information balanced with reassurances. Older children will be more vocal about their questions and may need more information about efforts to keep them and their community safe. Teenagers may want to discuss opinions about the causes of violence and may need to and want to have discussions about this.

BE HONEST – While children do not need all of the facts, it is important to tell them the truth. Don’t pretend that the event has not occurred or that it is not serious. Children are smart, and they may be more worried if they think you are too afraid to tell them what is happening. Do not make promises that you cannot keep but do assure them what do you have control over.

GIVE PERMISSION TO FEEL – Give permission for many different feelings. Explain that all feelings are okay when something scary like this happens. Let children talk about their feelings and help put them into perspective. Younger children may not be able to express their feelings with words but rather through their body states where they feel something.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS – It is okay and important for children to know that the adults in their lives have similar feelings when bad things happen. It is important however that you remain in control and monitor your own emotions and tone of voice. If you’re finding it difficult to manage your reactions, you may want to enlist another adult to help you.

LIMIT MEDIA EXPOSURE – It is important to limit the information gathered about the event as it can heighten children’s anxiety and fears. Allow breaks for yourself as well.

FOCUS ON THE ‘HELPFUL’ – Remind children that trustworthy and helpful people are in charge. It is important for children and adults to be reminded how many helpful people there are in the world, especially during a crisis.

SUPPORT GROUPS

For those in need of a friendly face to talk things out – or several of them – JFS is running two different kinds of free support groups that may help.

The nonprofit is holding virtual support group sessions open to the public. Email jfsgroups@jfsmetrowest.org to register, and a Zoom link will be sent to you.

The next virtual support groups will take place on the following dates:

• Wednesday, Oct. 18 – 6 to 7 p.m.
• Thursday, Oct. 19 – noon to 1 p.m.

JFS is also hosting support group sessions for families of “Lone Soldiers” who are serving in the Israel Defense Forces overseas. The sessions are being held at the Florham Park Office, 256 Columbia Turnpike, suite 105 (register online here).

The next Lone Soldier support group session will take place on Tuesday, Oct. 17 from 6 to 7 p.m.

For more information about the support groups or other outreach services at JFS, contact 973-765-9050 or visit www.jfsmetrowest.org.

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