Dodgers Fans' Guide To Sulk And Sorrow In Houston

HOUSTON, TX — Howdy, Dodgers fans, and welcome to Texas! Most importantly, welcome to Houston and Minute Maid Park, where a World Series championship dream will come to die for the blue and white this weekend.

This isn’t a letter to bash Los Angeles, the Dodgers, the Dodger fans or even California. (We don’t have enough space on the Internet for that, and that’s saying an astronomical lot.)

Texas and California are two of the best states in the Union, hands down. We both border salt water and Mexico, both have big personalities, movie stars, music icons, top universities, former presidents, famous sports teams, beaches, mountains, deserts, yada, yada, yada.

Well, you had Chuck Norris before he bolted for Texas, which trumps who now has the baddest man who’ll ever live.

This is merely a guide to help your ventures in and around Houston since the State Fair of Texas in Dallas is over and the culture in the Lone Star State is quite different than that of Cali.

First, bring your parka coats and blankets. The temperatures in L.A. may have been in the 100’s at first pitch earlier this week, but the sweet Artic kiss from the north will have the temperatures in the 30’s at night this weekend. Sure, the stadium roof will most likely be closed, but it’s hard to sulk after a loss in the cold outside of the stadium.

Second, bring lots of tissues because we don’t want those tears to freeze on top of all that makeup and plastic surgery. The Astros bats are hot at home this year, especially this playoff season. It doesn’t matter who’s pitching for the Dodgers — you can bring back Sandy Koufax and Orel Hershiser for that matter — and the Astros will hit and score more than the Kardashians. Heck, the only Dodger pitcher with a chance is Clayton Kershaw, and that’s mostly because he’s got Texas blood.

Third, Game 3 was nice with legendary Vin Scully on the field, but it looked a little silly with Fernando Valenzuela throwing out the first pitch. The famous lefty looked like he was a backup in a slow-pitch softball league. Let’s see if iconic Astros star Nolan Ryan — a righty — throws out a first pitch. He can probably throw it left-handed behind his back and still strike out the entire Dodgers lineup.

Fourth, for all you red-bearded Justin Turner disciples, the nearby Texas Renaissance Festival is having its All Hallow’s Eve this weekend. The TRF is the oldest renaissance festival in the country, and most of the freaks in a nine-week window will be there this weekend. You know, in case you get a little homesick. If it’s not enough, then Austin’s just a daytrip away if you want to Keep it Weird.

Fifth, once the games are over on Friday and Saturday, and the Series is over Sunday night, here are some local sports bars you can visit to drown your sorrows.

Lastly, both states have dealt with too much tragedy between the California wildfires and Hurricane Harvey. We tip our 10-gallon hats to your resilience, and we simply ask you to not be as obnoxious as the Yankees fans were regarding our tragedy.

We can both hate the Yankees, right?

Enjoy your visit to Texas. Drive friendly, enjoy the weather, enjoy the sites, enjoy the food, be well in your sorrow, Remember the Alamo and Go Astros!

Top image: Los Angeles Dodgers fans pose during game one of the 2017 World Series between the Houston Astros and the Los Angeles Dodgers at Dodger Stadium on October 24, 2017 in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)