Mom's Talk Q & A: Is It Just a Phase? Or is My Kid Jealous of a Sibling?

Every week, the Greenfield Patch Mom's Council will answer your questions about parenting in Greenfield. 

Need help? Need advise? Here is your chance to get some answers from moms just like you. Check back often as others are encouraged to offer their suggestions in the comments section below.

To submit questions for future Mom's Talk sessions, email David.Cotey@patch.com.

This week's question: My 4-year-old, normally the sweetest kid in the world, has had a tremendous sassy and stubborn streak lately. He whines or throws tantrums when we tell him 'no,' even over simple things, or flat-out refuses to listen to us. My husband says it's just a phase; I think it's because we just had another baby around six months ago and this is his way of getting attention. What do you think? And more importantly, what advice do you have to get us through these incredibly frustrating outbursts?

Melanie O'Brien: I think you both could be right. Four-year-olds do throw tantrums and disobey as this is an age where they start pushing boundaries. But he could also feel jealous about the attention the baby is receiving. What to do? It is important to remain consistent with expectations so he understands, eventually, the consequences for his actions. Allowing him time to cool down in his room after a tantrum and then talking to him about what happened and why can help. Temper the jealousy with time spent just with him. Maybe reading a book alone with mommy or daddy, for example. Let him help attend to the baby by helping give the baby a bottle or changing diapers. Help him understand his role as a big brother and how special that is. Cool down time and extra attention may help you and him get past the outbursts.

Pam Sierzchulski: I agree. I think you and your husband are both correct!   Your son has been the center of your world and now he has to share mom and dad. You all have to learn how to make this change in your family work. My daughters are three years apart and we expected some "attention" issues and had a plan to help all of us adjust. My suggestion is to try and avoid the confrontations before they occur. If you aren't doing it already, plan to spend some special times on a regular basis with your boy, while the baby is sleeping or in the care of the other parent/family member. Individually as parents, and together as often as you can.  Make sure he knows about this "special time with mom and dad."

How to deal with the poor behavior from a 4-year-old is another challenge. Try and stay positive. I will negotiate to a degree, but not with food, or decisions that would affect his safety or compromise family rules.  I will ignore a tantrum (as long as they are safe) and I will talk to them when they have calmed down and ask why they were so upset. That way they know mom still loves them, but does not like tantrums and will not reward that behavior by giving them what they wanted. No is No in our home, but I had to train myself to take a moment rethink my immediate reaction to say no, and weigh my answer depending on the situation. Sometimes asking why they want something, or what the problem is, can stimulate a great insight and a response you didn't expect!