Uniquely Alabama: The (Strange) Laws Of The Land

"Uniquely Alabama" is an occasional series where Patch tries to find the answers to questions about life in Alabama. Have a question about the Yellowhammer State that needs answering? Send it to michael.seale@patch.com

MONTGOMERY, AL — It's no secret that Alabama is a primarily conservative state, and lawmakers often tout the "law and order" attitude of the state's leadership, but even the most adamant rule -follower would have to admit that some of Alabama's laws, spelled out in the Alabama Constitution of 1901, should maybe be omitted.

Alabama's constitution is 12 times longer than the average state constitution, 51 times longer than the U.S. Constitution and is the longest and most amended constitution still operative anywhere in the world. It is made up of 977 amendments and 388,882 words.

And hey, I am all for law and order. Without laws, a society cannot function, but does the state really need a law addressing fake mustaches in church (Section 13A-12-1 makes that illegal, by the way)?

And speaking of church and Sundays — look, it's no secret that in the Bible Belt, Sunday is for worship, and not much else — did you know that in Alabama, playing a game of dominoes or cards on a Sunday is against the law? Well according to Section 13A-12-1 of the constitution, "Any person who compels his child, apprentice or servant to perform any labor on Sunday, except the customary domestic duties of daily necessity or comfort, or works of charity or who engages in shooting, hunting, gaming, card playing or racing on that day, or who, being a merchant or shopkeeper, druggist excepted, keeps open store on Sunday, shall be fined not less than $10.00 nor more than $100.00, and may also be imprisoned in the county jail, or sentenced to hard labor for the county, for not more than three months."

Oh, and if you are thinking of dressing up as a priest or a nun or minister for Halloween, think again. Alabama Code 13A-14-4 says very clearly: "Whoever, being in a public place, fraudulently pretends by garb or outward array to be a minister of any religion, or nun, priest, rabbi or other member of the clergy, is guilty of a misdemeanor and, upon conviction, shall be punished by a fine not exceeding $500.00 or confinement in the county jail for not more than one year."

How about tossing orange peels on the sidewalk? Well, that apparently was a problem at some point in the city of Mobile's history, because our legislature felt it necessary to include Article III, Sec. 39-76 in the constitution, which states, "No person shall spit or throw fruit skins, parings or peelings upon any sidewalk in the city or upon the floor of any bus operated within the city or in any public elevator, public building, public theater or public hall or upon any walkway in any public park in the city."

Mobile must have had some pretty big problems with street litter in the past, because the state constitution also has an amendment banning the sale, use or possession of confetti in the city limits of Mobile (Sec. 39-77). How about "silly string" or "spray confetti?" The Alabama Constitution of 1901 has that covered too, but in a separate amendment (Article 1, Sec. 39-15).

Let's say someone does break the law in Mobile and sprays you with "silly string." Do not, under any circumstances, try to get the stuff off of you by bathing in a public fountain, because Sec. 39-82 specifically outlaws this.

Of course, most laws are made with the idea of protecting public safety, in which case, I am really thankful that the state's lawmakers included Section 13A-12-5 in the constitution, which outlaws wrestling bears in the state. And thankfully, our legislature was compelled to add an amendment to the constitution making driving while blindfolded illegal (Section 32-5A-53).

If you were thinking about trying to get attention by a self-inflicted knife wound, you may have to answer to law enforcement, because Code 1923, §4941; Code 1940, T. 14, §357; Code 1975, §13-1-6 (seriously?) says, "Every person who, with design to disable himself from performing a legal duty, existing or anticipated, shall inflict upon himself an injury whereby he is so disabled and every person who shall so injure himself with intent to avail himself of such injury to excite sympathy or to obtain alms or some charitable relief shall be guilty of a felony."

If that weren't enough to deter you from stabbing yourself, our brilliant public servants in Montgomery also felt like we needed a law in the books reminding us not to wound ourselves to get out of jury duty (Section 13A-14-1).

Who would have thought that Alabama, whose lawmakers so often tout their opposition to big government and government overreach, would have more laws than any single COUNTRY in the world? Well, we do. And you may call me crazy, or perhaps even say I am not preserving the fine history and traditions of our state, but maybe it's time to sit down and start this document over.

From scratch.