Laguna Beach City Council: Killer Klowns Appear In Chambers 1/09/2024

Killer Klowns From Inner Space: Laguna Beach City Council Chambers

“When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.” — Edward R. Murrow

The January 9, 2024 LBCC meeting felt like one of those "Every child gets a trophy" ceremonies. You know, the ones that promote entitlement for every little snowflake participant, thus diminishing the value of hard work and actual achievement?

Rewarding in the manner I observed that night made me glad that I'd watched with my BFFF (Best Fictional Friend Forever), my alter ego Dr. Gonzo. The following is an interview with him:

R.: Dr. Gonzo, maybe my readers aren't aware of the reasons behind the "Gonzo" moniker schtick, care to share?

G.: Sure. First, you can just call me Gonzo, save us both a lot of time.

R.: Where did the "Doctor" part come in?

G.: I'm an ordained minister in the Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. And if you don't think the Monster exists, I've got a t-shirt, coffee mug and Book of Gospel to prove you wrong. For $100 you get those 3 and your ordained doctorate scroll. Just 'cause you can't see Him doesn't mean that He's non-existent.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

R.: Oooooookay (shaking head), right, let's move on. Who are your journalism influences?

G.: One of my transgressive journalism heroes is Hunter S. (Gonzo) Thompson. I use present tense, because he's that voice in our hive brain that has convinced you to occasionally channel him, be his irreverent, irreligious and intentionally insulting re-incarnation, kind of "Neo-Gonzo." He'd have loved that phrase, btw, it's sooooooooo Gonzo.

R.: Any other journalistic influences, I've noticed that your humor is often warped, and for such an educated guy your constant use of profanity, may I dare say over-use of the "f-bomb" is startling?

G.: The whole New Journalism school, of which "Gonzo Journalism" is a sub-set of its own. And I talk , sometimes write, like people really convo. Other faves like Tom Wolfe and Joan Didion stand out, they weren't shy yet were brilliant in their own right. Every few years or so I go back and re-read a large body of their work and other New Journalism scribes. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gonzo_journalism

R.: Any other significance to the name?

G.: Yeah, sometimes I write email flames or even public agency formal submissions channeling HST, I love to "go gonzo" on them---basically go bat s**t crazy, go off on them. Ridicule, deride and sarcastically point out how painfully stoooooopid or obtuse they are.

R.: So Gonzo, what was your take on the first part of the meeting we watched together, where they gave out all of those community service awards?

G.: I thought I, I mean WE thought, that we were at a Montessori School or something. I mean, really, was that a "dookie show" or what? I can see service award milestones like 5 years, or 10 years. It couldn't have been my psychedelic experimentation, haven't had any of those substances in over 45 years. Maybe a Rolling Stones at Altamont flashback? We were there, remember, the 250 mikes of pure Owsley acid that Berkeley hippie chick "friend" brought was totally primo...at least until the Hell's Angels stabbed and beat that black dude in the shimmery green suit to death with pool cues.

R.: The film footage showed him pointing a target pistol at the stage while the Stones were closing, and the HA bikers were never convicted. Bookends in '69, Woodstock and Altamont. That was that for the Summer of Love. Yeah, 7 of the 10 employees only had 1 year in, what's that make you think?

G.: Makes me think that the rumors must be true: It's a miracle anybody wants to work here. So I guess 1 year of Bob-y-Sue's pet monkey, fascist puppet, duplicitous fiasco former CM Shohreh Dupuis must've been like a year of the Spanish Inquisition or Salem Mass witch trials. You know, like the Red Queen In Wonderland: First the punishment, then the trial kind of John Birch Society paranoia.

R.: I'm hesitant to ask, but have any other thoughts?

G.: Yeah. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, who decided that 1 year was a milestone? OTOH, Dupuis was a "millstone," so our illustrious Sue-y-Bob thought influencers are also barely functional illiterates. Think Billy (Cough Cough It's 4:20 Somewhere, Isn't It?) Fried.

And has anybody investigated what % of our staff fled within her first year?

R.: Wanna explain Bob-y-Sue or Sue-y-Bob to our general readership?

G.: Thuggish, chauvinist pig bully Petey (The Walking Faux Pas) Blake kept exclaiming that Village Laguna et al had a stranglehold, a death grip on City Council. Looking like a Greek terrorist, wasn't it amazing how quickly his constituency disappeared after the first time he opened his yapper at Council? He didn't even have a grip on reality btw. The average age of VL is probably about 70, the only thing they have a death grip on are the handles in their walk-in showers and on their counter top filled with meds.

R.: Still waiting, perhaps those double shots of Cazadores tequila weren't a good pre-interview idea?

G.: Digression is part of my schtick, deal with it boomer. Over the past 7 years we've basically been ruled by either Bob or Sue, kinda pick your poison stuff. Hence the use of a Spanish twist---And as in, you know, Gonzo IS twisted. Bob-y-Sue, Sue-y-Bob, get it? Their mayorship era is the death grip, keeping in mind not just ribbon cuttings but critical committee assignments. Like the D.C. Orange Jesus Dumpster Fire (I don't have to explain that, right?), these gripsters were in fact grifters, really conning us. Notice their insincere, lifeless, death rictus simulacra, their CGI smiles? Career politicos.

R.: Anything else?

G.: I've finally realized that maybe former CM Ken Frank was the salad days. If his successor, John (Jumbo) Pietig was a train wreck, Dupuis was a mid-air collision between two 747's, over a densely populated city. We're still trying to crawl out of that rubbled debris field, with few survivors left. Her hires, like inept Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, you know, Marc Wiener and Mark McAvoy? She sure did leave a toxic, lingering methane and sulphuric odor in them.

R.: There was a second Klown act, what did you think of that?

G.: You must mean when the Kween of Klowns, 5th District Supervisor Katrina (The Folly) Foley pretended to "surprise" former Mayor Bob (Klueless) Whalen, now Mayor Sue (Simpleton) Kempf and still-wet-behind-the-ears now 25 year-old Mayor Pro-Tem Alex (The Kid) Rounaghi?

R.: Yeah. I mean she acted as if she was an unexpected visitor, they acted astonished. So definitely contrived, all 4 are career imbeciles, er, "bureaucraps."

G.: I almost threw up in my shot glass, which is tantamount to blasphemy in my Church. Cazadores is the Sacred Blood of the Monster---or at least His Eminence's liquid fuel. (Pauses. Drinks another shot). Where were we? Spaghetti Monster Almighty , where ARE we?

R.: Katrina, The Kween of Klowns. KKK, hey, see Gonzo, I can be irreverently, ironically punny too!

G.: (After rolling eyes upward and groaning)......When she gave Bob-y-Sue a plaque for his service, I was hoping he'd announce that he wouldn't run for City Council again. But no such luck. Then the Kween down-shifted (literally) gave Sue-y-Bob a plaque? Huh? Remember we looked at each other like maybe we were asleep, having a nightmare or in a tequila-inspired stupor?

R.: Yeah, but what about that Boy Wonder Alex's plaque, you know that he worked on her staff for a short while, right?

G.: Guess the little darling was her lap poodle intern, came to toss him a "biskie?"

R.: Like "Whose a good boy? Who wants a head noogie?" Amazing she didn't bring a leash, take him on a "walkie."

G.: Mirroring the previous presentations, she gave him a plaque of appreciation for being Mayor Pro Tem for 1 month. Considering Council Chambers were pretty much dark over the Christmas through New Year's holidays, like those entitled little brats we talked about? I heard that he was out of town for at least 2 of the 4 weeks? Folks, that's a reeeeeeeaaaaal stretch to justify THAT accolade, isn't it?

R.: C'mon Gonzo, were you in such a haze that you forgot the antics of her Krazy Kween Klown Kar, when she and her assistant pulled into a water utility ratepayer workshop, spoke at public comments on a heated agenda item?

G.: That was brutal, outright fugly. A Monsignor from the San Juan Mission in a wheelchair no less tried to speak first. He apparently has a degenerative nervous system disorder. Captured live, on camera, the Krazy Kween's aid shunted him aside to the shock of those present.

R.: I know, we could hear everyone audibly gasp. The Folly seemed unembarrassed. Being important must mean never having to say that you're sorry?

G.: She read the same prepared statement twice. No jive. Then she exhibited that same Killer Klown rictus, wrap around mirthless smile, and walked out the door. Didn't stick around to hear Board member responses, or how they voted. Just she and her aid's skulking exeunt stage left, no doubt murmuring "Are we outta this show or what?"

R.: Well, that's what she did at City Council too. Like she was the only person in the room, when she was through she WAS through. Game over.

G.: I thought one of the follow-up speakers at Public Communications was apt, timely, suitable all things considered.

R.: You mean Matty (The Bootlicking Snake) Awesome? He should set up a shoe shine stand outside Chambers, he's that blatantly obsequious. He, pro forma of course, slithered and slime trailed to the podium, told everyone in power how fabulously spectacular and awesome they were.

G.: Yeah, him and the other Council pilot fish Barbara (Babs) McMouthy usually don't miss an opportunity to score browny points. Guess that drama queen celebritard had autographs to sign elsewhere? I was also surprised that in the next edition of Stooge News Laguna The Snake didn't get some major ink.

R.: Well, genuflecting Matty didn't let us down though, now did he?

G.: No, guess patronage via kissing ass gets rewarded every time. Just like high school, which is probably where he peaked out. In my high school football changing room, he'd have been the dweeb we pantsed and stuffed into a locker, closed and spun the combination dial.

R.: Closing thoughts?

G.: Why don't you/we run for City Council this year, maybe not to get elected, but openly declare you/me/us as in "Don't vote for me, I'm a non-candidate, candidate?" That'd be VERY Gonzo, like when HST ran for Sheriff in Aspen, Colorado? Residents would be forced to listen to us at forums.

R.: First off, if they were real debates we'd win. But they're not, they're just forums to self-promote the idiot-riddled cabals hosting them. And Gonzo, love you man but I'm cutting you off, as the mohel said to the 8 day-old Jewish boy at his bris.

G.: Horrible, just a horrible attempt at comedy. Fine by me, discussing cretinuous globs of useless protoplasm like these political hydro-cephalics makes me sleepy anyway. Night Roge.

R. Night Gonz.

Roger “Gonzo” Bütow is a prolific, unabashed, trangressive journalist, a Pastafarian Minister and a 52-year resident of Laguna Beach. He’s co-founder and Executive Director of the unincorporated association known as Clean Water Now. A retired general contractor, since 2010 he’s been a professional land use and regulatory compliance consultant plus provided environmental and construction advisory services. His contact information can be found at: www.clean-water-now.org