My Daughter

First off...

my daughter would go ballistic if she knew I was writing this essay about her. And, if she finds out about it she will have me take it down immediately. So, it is sure to have a short shelf life.

But, nevertheless, I think I have written enough essays about enough things and people to now include my favorite subject. I won't even refer to her by name.

I don't know anyone like my daughter. Let's start right there.

Everyone loves their daughters (and sons). Nothing my daughter could be or do could keep me from loving my daughter relentlessly and unconditionally. However, my daughter has crossed over into rare territory. My daughter has become my role model, and my "influencer". Probably no one individual has done more to influence my behavior and ideologies. Oh, I disagree with her on many things; usually it is just a matter of degree. In other words, we have the same general philosophy about some issue but I am more extreme about my views OR she is more extreme about her views.

I think that perhaps the most remarkable characteristic about my daughter is that she is ALWAYS trying hard to be her best self; she’s committed to leaving the best footprint wherever she goes. She is always trying to leave people in a better place than where she found them. Her conscience is robust. Her empathy is like a thoroughbred racehorse. She won't give a dollar to a homeless person; she will give $20 even when she has little money herself.

She and I believe in a "theory" that I came up with a few years ago and wrote about in an essay. No one else I know believes in it and she actually understands and practices it with the highest level of understanding and thoughtfulness. The "cake theory” as we call it, is the theory that everyone (everyone) is doing the very best that they can given the conditions, genetics, upbringing, exposures, (ingredients) in their "cake" at that given time. No one is doing less than their best given these criteria. If you can't get motivated or overcome an addiction or life pattern than it is because you don't have the "ingredients" to overcome those burdens. If you are successful and achieving your goals, winning “races”, etc., then it is because you have the "ingredients" to be successful. Bill Gates didn't earn his intellect and drive. They are ingredients he has in his cake. Michael Jordan didn't practice harder than his college teammates. He had incredible ingredients. A person can obtain ingredients through any number of sources, (new information/education, motivation, mentors, catharsis, serendipity, etc.) but they can never do more than they are capable of doing at that given moment in time. A tremendously energetic person who is highly intelligent, had great parents, and is attractive has many more ingredients in their "cake" than a person who grew up with a single mother in poverty, with no access to a good education, and a limp. A person who is dealt some seemingly severe blows during their childhood can sometimes have the ingredients (or acquire them) to turn into Oprah Winfrey. It happens. We give Oprah an incredible amount of credit for her standing but she had the "ingredients" to be Oprah. She was intelligent, driven, she had the ability to separate herself from her very difficult childhood. She had many other "ingredients". She didn't earn them; she had, or acquired, them.

Anyways, this "cake theory” requires that you grant a lot of "slack" to a lot of people due to the understanding that they are doing the very best they can at that moment in time. People are clearly accountable for their actions but believing in the “cake theory” provides context. That even applies to Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby, etc.. Yes, even them. Even if they don't have compassion or if they are selfish or lack a conscience it is the result of a lack of ingredients. It’s not excusable but it’s relevant.
My daughter is willing to grasp this whole concept such that she doesn't have contempt for anyone. She separates a person's behavior from who they really are. She rises above the "good, bad, and ugly" person discussion. She recognizes "good, bad, ugly" behavior but she resists attributing those adjectives to people. She has very strong views about culture, racism, compassion, etc., but she removes the human face. That is where she practices her beliefs better than I do. I'm not there, yet. It's a long discussion.

My daughter volunteers in Watts (or did before the pandemic) most Saturdays just so that she can connect with underprivileged black kids from poor families who look forward to her attention and focus. She came up with that idea out of thin air. She is highly invested in those kids. She has a characteristic that I think is necessary in order to save the world. She gets great joy out of seeing other people experiencing great joy. Think about it. That's the only way we save the world. We need to experience more joy by bringing joy to others than we experience by purchasing a fancy car or purse.

My daughter has convinced me to start thinking about nutrition for the first time in my life. Probably only she could have done that. She is often a step ahead of me. I can be certain that she has thought about something relentlessly before she thinks to bring it up with me. She is smarter than me (in general) but I try to keep up. She indulges me (sometimes) but mostly just tolerates me. I've seen a lot of her eyeball rolling over the years.

She’s fiercely independent. She is immune to peer pressure. She comes to her own conclusions about everything and it’s often Not in sync with her peer group or with me, or any mainstream view. She never takes my word on anything without scrutiny. She backs herself up. I’m grateful for that.

When I was her age (20) I was doing absolutely nothing that would be considered productive. I played sports every day and I thought a lot, chilled, and hung out with friends but I didn't create or contribute anything. My daughter is always creating something. She makes clothes. She makes numerous recipes. She volunteers. She protests in the streets. She is a great friend. She only compliments, never criticizes, her friends. She only focuses on the “good”. My daughter is, by her own admission, overly sensitive and self conscious and she admires a friend of hers who is "immune" to losing her confidence. She says that this person has endless confidence in herself that no one could compromise. She wants that. I want it for her.

My daughter is far from perfect but she is working hard to be her best and to add important ingredients to her “cake”.

She is a "work in progress" but she is progressing. She is moving.

She is making an amazing "cake" right before my eyes; a cake that is always changing.