Talking about "Love Languages"

I’d heard of the concepts before. The books about it have been on the shelves for years. No doubt Oprah has had a few shows on it. I’ve been vaguely familiar but largely in the dark. I never thought that my sincere expressions of love would go unappreciated.

Communication is probably among the most important components of living in a society. It’s important in every area of societal interaction. Miscommunication can create confusion, hostility, and even wars. Expressing and showing “love” is certainly a form of communication but apparently how we communicate it and how we receive it is very dependent on our own “love languages”. It's not just about romantic relationships; it's about virtually all relationships. In my naïveté I thought that those whom I loved would have no doubt that I loved them. How hard can it be, right? Here is my recipe: Tell (them) you love them regularly; focus on them, but hopefully not too much so as to invade their space. Show empathy for their challenges, validate them, compliment them, encourage them and allow them to never question that they come before you in all things.

I know what your thinking. This naïve guy can’t possibly hold up this bargain with everyone he “loves”or, the list of those he loves must be very small.

I’ll confess that that specific “recipe” above is somewhat reserved for my immediate family, though it’s complicated. It’s hard to put too many people (outside of your immediate family) above your own interests but even that is doable. In a beautiful world it would be the standard.

But, for starters let’s just stick with immediate family. If you follow the list above how can anyone feel (or say they feel) unloved? What other language is there for showing love other than expressing it regularly (and all the other stuff). It turns out it’s not that simple in many cases.

Back story: When I was a kid my parents, in general, we’re not expected to put my interests above theirs at every opportunity. Dads, especially, were not expected to show great affection or to show up at all the games (and the practices). My parents went out socially almost every Friday and Saturday night and the kids stayed home with babysitters. That was the norm and I never felt left out. My folks traveled all over the world before I was an adult and we (my sisters and I) never went with them. Is that something to complain about? Of course not but my wife and I (and many couples in the last few decades) took our kids on EVERY single trip we went on. We never left them at home. I don’t think either of us could have enjoyed a trip knowing that our kids were at home without us. We couldn’t go without seeing their smiles or hugging them for even a day. Why would we ever want to be away from them, was our collective thought. I’m not saying that this philosophy means you love your kids more than those who leave their kids at home (no one has the right to judge that) but I am saying that it appears that kids are left off the agenda less in this era. I was delighted to be staying at my grandparents or my aunt and cousins. I knew that I didn’t go on those types of trips. As a family we went to the Grand Canyon or Mt. Rushmore or Lake Powell but Rome, Hawaii, Japan, etc., were for my parents alone. My folks spent far less time with my sisters and I during our childhood compared to how much time my wife and I spent with our kids during those childhood years. We literally probably spent twice as much time. It’s different now…remember when dads didn’t even show up for the delivery of their baby? That was normal not too long ago. Parents now, I think, are more child centric than they were a few decades ago. The mantra, “you’re only as happy as your most unhappy child” is probably not something that applied to most parents a generation ago. Is it more true now? I don’t know.

I suggest that "Love Languages" apply to all relationships. Most relationships will not have the physical affection component but there are so many other variables to communicating "love" (using that word in it's broadest sense).

So, why is it if you feel in your heart that your kids are by far the most important parts of your life and you demonstrate it in the best way you know how consistently and abundantly, can you still be falling short with a child? Well, you can. Apparently if you don’t understand the love language of another they may never fully feel that they are loved. It’s breathtaking but for some it’s true. Expressing it, showing it, in your most sincere and thoughtful way, etc., may not get the job done. You may be speaking foreign languages. Yes. It’s that simple. If you love strawberry and I keep giving you chocolate you may not feel loved. I may love chocolate and feel that everyone loves chocolate but there are a lot more flavors out there. You can give chocolate to one of your children and it might just pile up in the corner of the room along with that weird sweater that she or he got from your aunt for Xmas. All we know is the languages we speak; the languages that are organic to us and the languages that are ingrained from our cultural exposure. If we don't speak the same language we are going to leave room for a lot of confusion and sorrow.

We can, if we are taught, learn (that) new language that someone we love (speaks) but it isn’t easy. It isn’t the default. It takes work. I think one of most difficult things to endure is knowing that the person you love more than any other does not feel the love you’ve been sending. The “letters” you send never get opened. They never even get to the mailbox. It can be devastating for both parties involved.

It’s probably almost mandatory that a husband and wife have a great deal of overlap in their love languages in order to have a very healthy relationship. It’s so simple yet so poorly understood. For romantic couples many people think physical contact is the sign of love; physical affection and/or sex may be (and often is) the number one sign of “love”. It may be the only language that a spouse understands as “love”. Another spouse may put much less value in physical connection and instead value time together, or respect and appreciation. My father liked to buy my mother jewelry. My mom either loved it from the beginning or she learned to love it. It was one of the ways my dad showed love. Some women would have no appreciation for jewelry. Luckily for my parents "jewelry" was spoken by both parents. One of my “love” languages is being asked questions. That doesn’t mean I crave that but it means that when someone asks me questions about my feelings or my thoughts then I feel “loved”. It may just be between me and a friend. It translates to a form of “love” to me. If you are interested in knowing my deepest sentiments then I will feel “love”. Buy me a gift and it has less meaning to me. (It’s strawberry when I am looking for chocolate). I received a gift recently that was a book on historic stairs in Los Angeles from a person who knows how much I love that subject. She, herself, has no interest in the subject but she knows that I do. That translated as love to me because that gift suggests that this person has been paying attention to something that deeply interests me. One of my favorite (and seemingly universal) ways to show love is to give compliments. In my mind if I take the time to focus on some characteristic of a person then I think it will convey that I’m paying attention and that I appreciate what you’re doing, saying, whatever. That’s a sign, I hope, that would be interpreted as Love, not romantic love, of course, but love. In addition, when I take the time to compliment it validates for me that I want to uplift that person and that tells me that I “love”. It’s not a shallow expression if you think about it. Yet, one of my kids thinks that compliments from parents don’t really count.

Taking your daughter to the Dodger game may not transmit “love”. Taking your daughter to see (her) favorite performer in concert may go much further in transmitting love. Cleaning up the room or keeping the house neat and clean is certainly a type of love language. I know my mother thought that cooking and cleaning, etc., was her way of showing love to her kids and my dad. I’m sure I saw it as a positive in some small way but it didn’t feel like “love” to me. A meatloaf sandwich with broccoli and a green salad was no small feat but it wasn’t going to make me feel loved. Doing my laundry wasn’t going to make me feel loved. We had a cleaning lady once a week who did the laundry and I certainly didn’t take that as a sign of love. Clearly cooking and cleaning are very important and often underappreciated gestures and thus there could easily be a “love” language miscommunication there. For some people (employees and co-workers) what they need most is appreciation in order to feel “love”.

I’m not here to give advice but I would think that any couple thinking about marriage should go through the exercise (early and regularly) of exploring what exactly are each other’s love languages. Proper communication (of love) just may depend on it. The same could be recommended for relationships between parent and child.

Almost any significant relationship would benefit from these explorations. I’m going to start paying close attention to these principles and then I’ll get back to you (grin). I think it will result in a win/win. I think almost everything in life should be a win/win. Life is better that way in an infinite number of ways

Food for thought…..