St. Raymond Parents Learn How To Set Rules About Touching

Days after Father Myers was suspended from in Menlo Park for inappropriate conduct with a minor, parents of the children who attend the school next door are coping by learning how to set rules about touching with their kids. 

“Children learn that they do have some responsibility for their safety," said Rhonda Hontalas, children’s programs coordinator for the Archdiocese of San Francisco.

“They get into the car with you and put their seat belt on, or get on a bike and put a bike helmet on; they know that they’re helping to keep themselves safe,” she said.

Five parents, the school principal and the school’s counselor gathered Monday night in the office of St. Raymond Church to hear Hontalas talk about ways that parents can protect their children from sexual abuse.  One out of every four girls, and one out of six boys, will be sexually abused by the age of 18, according to Hontalas. Ninety percent of the people that violate the children are people the children know, she added.

The curriculum she used that night was developed by the Committee for Children and focused around four key things parents can do:

1)   Establish a Safe Environment

2)   Teach Personal Safety Rules

3)   Discuss Touching Safety

4)   Respond To Disclosure

The primary difference between this curriculum and others that have been developed in the past was the terminology used to discuss the topic of touch.

“In the 90s the curriculums were developed to describe touches as ‘good’ and ‘bad,’ and it was hard for kids to differentiate between that,” Hontalas said.

“We find that using the words ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ to describe the kinds of touch works much better,” she elaborated, using the example that kicking or pushing would also fall in the "unsafe" category.

She said that the best way to broach the topic with children is to talk about it in the context of safety. 

“Make some family safety rules about touching,” she said. For younger children, the topic could be introduced as an extension of the one used to talk about how to play with matches.  She advocated that parents use anatomically correct dolls dressed in swimsuits to illustrate to children that their private parts are the areas covered by the swimsuit.  

“Teach kids it’s okay to have boundaries about their personal space,” she said, “And don’t worry about saying everything just right.”

With some parents wanting to preserve their children’s innocence for as long as possible, one asked how they should answer the uncomfortable questions that their kids are posing with adult language, sometimes in the car on the way to school in front of siblings.

Dennis Dahl, counselor at St. Raymond School, said the best way to respond would be to say: “Well there are a lot of words that have to do with hurting someone. Here’s the context. They thought that father had hurt somebody, and we don’t know that he hurt somebody.”

Another parent asked for a written copy of a policy cited by Bishop Justice in the last community meeting, which bars priests from being alone in the same room as a child. involved Father Myers following a boy into a dressing room at Ross Dress for Less in San Francisco.  Other parents at St. Raymond School have expressed concern that their children had been called into his office and spent time alone with him.

When Patch asked for a copy of that policy on June 1, the Archdiocese's communication department sent a .pdf regarding child abuse and harassment, which you will find attached to this article.  

Sister Ann Bernard said that the matter was very straightforward. “It’s not supposed to be done,” she said.

“I don’t believe it was ever Father’s intention when he closed the door to do anything," Bernard said.  "It’s natural when you go into a meeting to close the door to preserve a person’s privacy. That’s going to be the trigger in every educator’s mind, and the Archdiocese’ mind when they’re investigating it.”

Sister Ann Bernard went on to say that while they’re not trying to push the issue under the rug, they “do want to let it die down.”

Counselors will be at the school on Tuesday and Wednesday for children who have concerns and want to talk to people.  If parents should want to watch the video and learn more about the coping mechanisms that were taught in the workshop, Sister Ann Bernard said that she has a copy at the school that she is willing to share.

Parents who suspect that their children have been victims of sexual abuse are encouraged to call the San Mateo Sheriff at 650-363-4911, or Child Protective Services at 650-802-7922.