Chicago Mayoral Race Is Absurd And Nightmare If You Don't Wake Up

Our city’s historic mayoral election has devolved into complete and utter absurdity. It became official when Susana Mendoza put her campaign’s desperation on full display this week at the Sun-Times candidate debate.

Mendoza, a career politician nurtured by the Democratic Machine, called out the lacking ethics of ballot rival Cook County Democratic Party Boss Toni Preckwinkle, a lapsed independent and phony progressive.

The irony was lost on no one. See, Mendoza took loads of campaign cash from Ald. Danny Solis, the ward boss who likes his happy endings with a dose of Viagra and wore a wire for the feds to record Burke, Madigan and probably countless other elected officials. Burke, Chicago’s most powerful alderman, has been charged with attempted extortion for shaking down a business owner for a $10,000 campaign contribution to Preckwinkle, who gave Burke’s son a six-figure, do-nothing job on the taxpayer dime.

At the Sun-Times debate, Mendoza called out Preckwinkle for harboring a “a code of silence” in her administration because she didn’t immediately fire her then-chief when he was accused of “inappropriate behavior toward women.”

Preckwinkle responded with the grown-up equivalent of “I’m rubber you’re glue.”

“I’m being challenged by somebody on ethics issues who is, who got married in [Ald.] Ed Burke’s house, who is a protégé and described Ed Burke as a mentor, and is a protégé of [Illinois House Speaker] Michael Madigan, who’s had some real challenges these days,” Preckwinkle said.

That’s the kind of political smack-talk that overshadows calm, thoughtful ideas offered up by candidates without ties to the Chicago Way — that rigged political system that operates in shadows and allows city government to remain perpetually crooked.

Lately, I’ve become overcome with cynicism and paranoia there’s nothing anybody — not the feds, not the reformers, nobody — can do about it. It's crept into my subconscious.

Last night, I had a dream about a Fox 32 mayoral debate with Nick Cannon, host of the celebrity smack-talk show “Wild N’ Out," moderating.

Corey McPherrin announced that Cannon would decide which ethically bankrupt candidate would be Chicago’s next mayor based on the best Yo-Momma-esque putdown.

Mendoza, center stage standing on a soccer ball delivered a Preckwinkle diss: “Your clout is so old he’s getting a cell with a defibrillator.”

An unfazed Preckwinkle, brushing the dirt off the shoulder pads on her Murphy Brown blazer, clapped back: “Oh yeah, your clout came up on a Google search for 'FBI Pornhub.'”

In the next round, Bill Daley and Gery Chico stared each other down.

“Your brother Richie was such a good mayor,” Chico said, signaling to his supporters.

“How good was he,” they screamed.

“Richie was such a good mayor, I won’t say a bad thing about him,” Chico said.

Willie Wilson was there, but I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

Somewhere off stage, I could see a gaggle of reform-minded candidates — Willie Wilson, Lori Lightfoot, Paul Vallas, Amara Enyia, Garry McCarthy, and, well, a bunch of others — scream objections that no one can hear.

Daley, distracted by his reflection in a TV camera lens, froze for a moment. He turned to the rich guys behind him and whispered, “Is my tie crooked, or is it just me.”

One of the rich guys, I think it was Howard Dean, screamed, “Do the Obama!”

Daley, realizing he had won, didn’t say a word. He just lifted his arm and dropped the mic.

Then, the rich guys carried Daley over to City Hall. I’m pretty sure Chico followed them.

That’s the last thing I remember before my alarm started to buzz.

I know that's preposterous, but it seemed so real.

Time to wake up.