Op-Ed: Save Lake Bluff!

Lake Bluff Citizen Alert: Hoards of short-term renters are preparing to penetrate our lovely community.

We don’t fully know their plans, but likely these transient trash are here to molest our children, frighten our stay-at-home mothers, trip our grandparents, and let their dogs run our parks—off of a 6-foot leash. (It is even possible some of them are Gypsies.) It is unlikely our Police Department will be able to protect us from this threat, as several of them are out for the next two months participating on an Open Garage Door Task Force.

Some of our brave Lake Bluff Neighbors (LBNeighbors.com) have identified the scum’s key invasion tool, Airbnb. And they’ve proposed we cut off the rabbles use of it to access any of our charming homes, or more precisely prevent the traitors among us from prostituting their homes for a few, filthy dollars. This is obviously a good first step, but it is not enough. Even if we keep them out of our great rooms and bedrooms; they’ll still be roaming our streets, lurking in our playgrounds, ransacking our stores, desecrating our churches, clogging our traffic, consuming our parking, and yes, committing unspeakable acts in our gazebo.

No, the only solution is a Wall. We must begin construction of the Lake Bluff Wall. Many of you might object to this as impractical. But we have certain geographic advantages that make this a viable solution. Obviously, we are protected to the east by Lake Michigan. We may need to mine a strip of the Lake, just beyond the swimming buoys. Thankfully, mines are now available to police forces as surplus military equipment left over from Afghanistan. To the south, we have the benign giant Lake Forest, which seems mainly to be populated by our kind of people, so perhaps some decorative fencing will suffice. To the north, however, we need a full Berlin job—concrete, spotlights, gun turrets, a demilitarized zone. (Though perhaps part of the manpower for that can be tasked as a permanent training exercise by the Navy Base.)

To the west, I’m afraid we have a problem. I like West Lake Bluff; some of my best friends are from West Lake Bluff; and most of them, I assume, are good people. But let’s face it, the west is not the best of Lake Bluff. In fact, I don’t see much LB Neighbors propaganda in West Lake Bluff, raising questions regarding their true allegiance. And most importantly West Lake Bluff is near even more questionable dens: Knollwood, Green Oaks, and unincorporated Lake Bluff. Who even knows what that is? I doubt fine people would willingly reside in an area without at least some corporating. No, I’m afraid we must sacrifice West Lake Bluff to the unclean travelers, and we can hope that our neighbors noble sacrifice might just sate the appetites of the depraved. East Lake Bluff has a natural defensible border to the west along Sheridan Road, and we need only put a security checkpoint under the viaduct to control vehicular access.

Now, this will not be cheap. But once we have East Lake Bluff’s borders secure, we can charge admission to many of the events that make Lake Bluff special: Halloween, $5 per child; Fourth of July, $10 per flagged apparel item; Bluffinia, $3 per lawn chair.

Of course, we can’t just charge money. That would make us no different than the real estate pimps who started this problem. No, the Wall must be accompanied by extreme vetting. And I’m hopeful many of our West Lake Bluff neighbors will pass these tests, perhaps easing the sting of landing on the wrong side of the Wall. Anyone who has the good taste to currently reside in East Lake Bluff or be born there will naturally satisfy all current and future vetting requirements.

To manage the vetting process, I propose we form a new community board. The Worthy Occupant Board (W.O.B.) should be authorized to decide who is allowed within the sacred land and structures of Lake Bluff. Just as we have the PCZBA (Plan Commission & Zoning Board of Appeals) to judge what buildings are worthy of our community, what they should look like, and what buildings should be allowed near other buildings; the W.O.B. can and must do the same for people: judge what people are worthy of our community, what they should look like, and what people should be allowed near us.

Together the Wall and the W.O.B. will fully and comprehensively protect us from all risk and change. Until now, many of us, me included, have relied on the Lake Bluff Bubble to protect us. But we are now in the days of shoe bombs and underwear bombs; how do we know that there’s not an Airbnber, at this moment, planning hula-hoop bombs for a quaint Midwestern town? The days of hiding behind a thin film of soap are over, my friends. Now, we need concrete, structural steel and the rigid judgment of our righteous Lake Bluff Neighbors to protect us.