Valentine's Day Increases Feelings of Loss

Chocolates, flowers, expensive dinners and romantic notes are synonymous with Valentine’s Day. A stroll through Arundel Mills and other malls flood the senses with shades of red and material expressions of love.

While many celebrate the Hallmark holiday in a variety of ways, an entirely different demographic exists, one that seeks to personally redefine the day altogether.

Suicide survivors and others dealing with extreme levels of grief acknowledge Valentine’s Day as a particularly difficult time, said Sarah Montgomery, coordinator of child and family programs at the Life Center at the Hospice of the Chesapeake.

Located in Annapolis, the Life Center serves to address the need of grief and transition, both for the hospice and the greater community, said Montgomery. “Holidays in general tend to be tough times for those who are grieving. There’s often an apprehension about what to do, if they should acknowledge it,” she said.

After the death of her father, Chantal Banks, 41, said Valentine’s Day would never be the same.

“It is a day that most people’s hearts are filled with joy and happiness but for suicide survivors like me, it just brings to the surface even more that empty hole in your heart,” Banks said. “It reminds you of that piece of you that you cannot hug or touch.”

Grief, Not Suicide, Goes Up

While Valentine’s Day is an emotional time of year, whether in love or pain, statistics show that despite popular belief, suicide rates do not spike during the celebration of the holidays.

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDCP) National Center for Health Statistics reported suicide rates are lowest in December, the pinnacle of the holiday season for many families.

“The rate peaks in the spring and fall,” according to the CDCP website.

The statistics, which can be found here, reveal suicide rates during the holiday season (November to February) were below the annual average every year since 2002.

In a nine-year study conducted by the Annenberg Public Policy Center in Pennsylvania, reports indicated media outlets perpetuated the myth linking holidays with an increase in suicide incidents.

Montgomery said many holidays increase the feeling of loss even more than Valentine's day, like Thanksgiving and anniversaries.

Banks confirmed the feeling, and expressed how the holidays highlight the loss of her father. “It will be awkward not getting a Valentine’s Day card from him or me not being able to give him gifts,” she said.

Coping with Loss During Valentine’s Day

Families handle grief in different ways, said Montgomery, citing several success stories of how those in pain found new methods to embrace holidays.

“Some things, we have to say in the past tense but love, love does continue,” said Montgomery. “We can invoke that love as a large blanket that you can wrap yourself in.”

“It can be particularly hard since the focus is romance, but I’ve seen some really creative responses [to the grief],” she said.

Creativity is crucial, according to Montgomery, but even more important is the willingness to openly talk about feelings and emotions, said Banks.

“For me, all I did was talk because I had a million questions I needed answered and some to be clarified,” Banks said. “Others tend to change holiday or family traditions but, for me, keeping my same routine helped. Healing and integrating my father’s death into my new life is something I am committed to doing.”

"For a long time, suicide was something I only saw on television. But I’ve found that staying involved and volunteering to help others is helping me come to terms with my loss,” she said.

Suicide claims the lives of over 30,000 a year in the United States, and statistically, many in Severn and Anne Arundel County may be dealing with the heightened pain that occurs during the holidays.

Montgomery encouraged people in the area to openly seek counsel and assistance during increased times of pain, and offered ways to embrace the holiday of love instead of fleeing from it.

She said to address the pain in the morning as a way to handle it as soon as possible. “Have a special time to focus on their person that they miss, it then allows and frees up the rest of the day to feel a little bit of happiness or joy.”

“It doesn’t take away the pain, but it takes away a little bit of the anxiety,” she said.

Adults interested in finding out more about the suicide griever group at the Life Center should contact Sarah Montgomery at 410-987-2129 ext. 269.