Finding Hope in a Chaotic World

We live in uncertain times. There is political polarization, escalating rage and violence, and widespread hatred of the other. All these things are making people feel anxious, scared, and depressed.

As a psychologist, in my therapy room, I have had a dramatic increase in people needing to process their fears of society’s instability. In days gone by, such discussions were much rarer in my work with patients. They would talk about traumas, fears, losses, phobias, or frustrations in their personal lives. Their particular stories were much more important than any news stories. These personal struggles continue to feature in my therapeutic work, but, for many of my patients, these struggles now are often impacted by anxieties about where the world is at and where it’s going.

What do I have to offer these people to help them hold onto hope and resiliency in a world that often out of control?

Intuitively, I’ve known the answer to this question for a long time, but how to put it into words? Recently, two patients helped me do just that.

Jacky* is a patient I have been working with for many years. She used to be a superstar in her professional field, working 60 hours a week and devoting everything to her job. Then at the age of 30, she developed a mysterious degenerative disease, causing excessive fatigue, frequent infections and muscle aches. She was forced to go on disability. For a while she was stymied, feeling like she had lost everything.

Nonetheless, with all these difficulties, she had good friends and a plucky spirit. She got her bearings and shifted the focus of her life. Part of her time had to be spent on her medical condition, treatments and getting the rest she needed. Nonetheless, she refused to define her life by these things. She loved travel and, even though it involved significantly pushing herself and the need to recover after a trip, she made yearly trips to exotic places throughout the world.

Further, she deeply cares about her family and friends, and, over the years, has provided indispensable guidance to nieces, nephews and her goddaughter, as they struggled with the confusions of growing up. And what she is most proud of is that she moved in with her grandparents for two years as they both struggled with dementia and decline. She devotedly cared for them through hospice until their demise. Such care is not for the weak of heart. It involves people who are confused, angry, acting out, wasting away and unable to control their most basic functions. But it is this very care that she is most proud of.

Jacky told me about a conversation she was having with her goddaughter, Annie*. Annie is in university and studying climate science. She is beset by feelings of woe and fear as she looks at the global warming predictions. She finds herself withdrawing from social activities, hiding from the world in her bedroom. So, Jacky says to her, “I understand you are afraid, but if you don’t keep up the human connection, if you sacrifice your present because of an uncertain future, then what are we doing any of this for?”

As she relates this conversation to me, she gestures with her hand in a circular motion as if to symbolize this whole life and this whole world. Jacky tells me that she knows what she did “all this” (her life, her world) for. She says she did it for love, to be there in good times and bad for family and friends, and help them with her wisdom, developed through her own struggle and growth.

Jacky is, in essence, saying what Nietzsche said more succinctly: “Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.” And Jackie and Neitzche’s answers are the same as that proposed by the famous psychiatrist Victor Frankl in his bestseller, “Man’s Search for Meaning.” In this book, he related his own story of how it was in finding and holding on to that “why” in life that he and other prisoners in a concentration camp were able to hold onto their strength, dignity and decency when literally everything else had been taken from them.

I was blessed to have a second patient who helped me clarify these points even more. Robert* is an 19-year-old who has seen his father’s mental and physical health decline over the course of many years. He is deeply emotionally bonded with his father, who talks about whether suicide would be the best option for himself. Robert himself has struggled with suicidal ideation on and off. He knows that I am Jewish and sometimes asks me the Jewish view on things. Robert asked me, “What is the Jewish view on suicide?” I answered him by first telling him that one of the rules in the Torah is one should not destroy a fruit tree, because they were placed in the world to create fruit and destroying them interferes with their purpose. Then I added that people are very much like fruit trees—we are each here for a purpose and destroying ourselves uproots us from our purpose.

He looked at me and I immediately suspected what he was thinking: “Purpose? What purpose can my father have? He is completely debilitated, living in constant pain, despair and hopelessness.” So, I added further: “The main fruit that people have to offer is love.” I said that because I know it makes a difference to him that his father loves him, and this one constant his father provides gives his life tremendous value. I think this message gave some reassurance to Robert.

So, how to prevail in uncertain times? The answer is simple. Not easy, but simple: Love. Love stronger than the hate you see around you. If enough of us lead with love, perhaps the world can be redeemed.

Remember: Love means fully investing yourself in what you love, using your intelligence, ingenuity, creativity, grit and all your life experiences to bring your own fruit to fruition.

What gives me hope, and what hope do I offer to my clients? The hope I offer is that our human spirit is larger than the threats and obstacles we see. By thinking globally, and acting locally, we do not only bear fruit. We can also plant new fruit trees—our children, students, mentees—and pave the way for a better world to come.

*All names changed to protect privacy.

Michael Milgraum is an attorney, psychologist and author, who has a private psychology practice in Kensington, MD. His new book “To Seek a Larger Spirit: Reflections of a Jewish Psychologist,” a collection of his poems about psychology, Torah and spirituality, is available on Amazon.