How Do You Deal With Bullying?

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Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council of experts and smart moms take your questions, give advice and share solutions.

Grab and cup of coffee and settle in to read this week's question. Below is how the mom's council answered but we want to hear from you. Leave a comment in the comment box below and share your thoughts.

Question: Have any of you had any experience dealing with bullying? How do you handle it/talk to your child. When do you know when to step in? 

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Pam Wanstall: Absolutely and it does depend on the age of the child/children involved. Now that we have the Anti-bullying Law? I believe it is, we can make our schools more accountable.

At the elementary level, adults most definitely need to be involved. At the middle school level it gets tricky as the child can get even more singled out so it has to be handled sensitively. At the high school level it can involve bodily harm, so a parent needs to assess the situation very carefully and take appropriate action whether it be with the school or the authorities.

Cyber-bullying has become a worry as well, Facebook has taken things to a whole new level with our children. I highly recommend not allowing a child to have a Facebook without parental monitoring.

I have always tried to instill in my children that it is not ok to make fun of someone else for any reason at all or be verbally or physically mean to another child. I have also discussed at length with them the consequences to this kind of behavior. I have kept an open and comfortable environment with my children so that they will feel they can come to me when necessary. We have discussed scenarios when it is appropriate for them to handle it themselves and when it is not. Unfortunately what often comes into play in these situations is parents who are just unwilling and unable to communicate with. There is often the mentality that "my child would never do anything such as that." In these cases, I've realized that the "apple doesn't usually fall far from the tree" as the old saying goes and that there are some children/parents/families we just need to steer clear of.

I hope that helps! Middle school is probably one of the most difficult, everything matters, clothing, shoes, hair, what your parents drive, where you live, if you have a boat, ski house, belong to a yacht club, etc.

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Brenda Kelley Kim:  I did have some experience with this, and I have to give all the credit to a good teacher who noticed that my middle boy George was getting crapped on by the other kids. Since a lot of bullying happens in school, teachers are the first line of defense and we got lucky in that respect. George didn't say anything, he didnt want to be "the tattle." It was fourth grade. Here is what I found the dynamic is with the kids - It's usually the kid who is a threat to the bully that will get picked on.  The threat could be that the bully thinks the kid they pick on is better at something, more popular, smarter or just gets more attention. 

That sets off the insecurity that is at the heart of every bully. Other kids see that one kid is getting picked on, but they are usually so afraid of being next, and so grateful it's not them, in the hot seat that they dont stand up for the victim, it's self preservation and they dont even realize it. 

The summer after George had his terrible year, some of the same kids that picked on him were in camp with him. One of them said to him, "hey George we had the best time getting you last year, we OWNED you ."There was nothing George had done to draw this attention, other than he knew one of the girls in his class from an outside activity he did and some of the boys decided to make fun of him for that.  I think it's important to let kids know it isn't about them. It's about the bully who is insecure, and knows no other way to get attention. 

If they do not get a reaction, they will move on, so I always told my kids if someone says something mean to them, or makes a crappy remark to just look at the kid funny, as if to say "poor thing, you aren't right in the head are you?" Chuckle at them, say, "Yeah, whatever, gotta go" and walk away. This made my kids laugh, and gave them sort of a script in case they couldnt think of something to say.  

Communication with your kids' teacher is important, never let a teacher dismiss your concerns. If after you have spoken to a teacher and your kid tells you it's continuing, or more kids are joining in, go back and speak to a guidance counselor. Move it up the chain if its not getting better, make some noise. I got lucky, it never got too bad and we got through it, but I have known other families that have had terrible issues with their kids and had a hard time making the school take action. When the walking away and ignoring are not working, its time to get the school involved.

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Blakeslee Detels - One of my girls started joining in -- what a new feeling to be in power. We knew this as we saw changes in her that worried us (like her attitude towards us and her siblings) and we talked to her teacher and asked other parents. We worked on asking her how she would feel if someone said some of the things to her that she said to others... and that a real friend wouldn't ask her to say those things (imagine puppet on a string). It took time, but she stopped being the bully -- but it left her with no friends. She was able to see that she didn't want to be with the power crowd, but she had pushed away all the other girls. In a very small class... that can be really hard. Moving her to a larger school where she could walk away was part of our solution. 

So now the other side... when someone bullies my kids, they quietly stand up for themselves, then go and "lie low" with their good friends. Bullies want someone to fight back and make a big deal out of everything... don't give them that power. I also ask them to stand up for their freinds. If they can't do it in front of ohers, that doesn't mean they can't be a good friend after. Part of what takes power away from a bully is being a good friend to those who are being bullied. 

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Meredith Tedford - Honestly, I worry more about my kid being a bully than being bullied. The factis all kids will experience some degree of exclusion, hurt feelings and the ebb andflow of friendships. Part of growing up is negotiating those often awkward and hurtful social dynamics. I’d rather my kids navigate those waters with kindness,compassion and patience than aggression and mean-spiritedness.

That being said, my mother bear instinct has definitely kicked in at times and I’ve wanted to step in and protect my “cubs,” but as a parent, you need to take a step back, ask yourself if what’s going on is normal and then build up your kids’ self-esteem by teaching them how to stand up for themselves. I’ve always told them that while they can’t control the actions of others they are in complete control of how they choose to handle and react to others. That can be as simple as encouraging your third-grader to bring in sidewalk chalk to initiate a hopscotch game on the playground (instead of waiting to be asked to play) or frequently talking to an older child about how to handle certain situations.

Obviously, when bullying escalates, becomes physical or profoundly impacts your child’s self worth it steps out of the realm of normal. It’s then that I would talk to your child’s teacher, school counselor or even another parent for guidance, but do so with an open mind and your child’s knowledge.

Pam Wanstall - Pam is a stay at home mom of four, two biological sons, 14 and 11 and two adopted daughters, 7 (China) and 2 (South Korea). She holds both a BSW and an MSW (social work degrees). Pam is 41 and have lived in Marblehead for 10 years, She grew up in Lynn and has been married for 16 years.

Sharman Pollender - Sharman lives in Marblehead, with her husband, one son, 4 1/2 and a 2-year-old lab. I have been volunteering with Marblehead Festival of Arts for 5 years and have been a board member for two and currently serving on Newcomers and Natives board. 

Blakeslee Detels - Blakeslee lives in Marblehead with her husband and three girls -- ages 14, 12 and 10. Blakeslee juggles a rewarding part time job with volunteer work and getting her three girls to all to their sporting events.

Cindy Schieffer - Cindy is Devoted Mom to two crazy little boys and Lucky Wife to a man who makes her laugh harder than anyone can. Marblehead, marriage and motherhood play starring roles in her blog Confessions of a Serial Swooper. In her words, "I really can't complain. But I do a little anyway." 

Shannon Yates - Shannon lives in Marblehead with her husband Simon, their two kids ages 9 and 8, and a new chocolate labradoodle puppy. She and her family have been in the process of adopting a child from China for the past 4 years and she hopes 2011 is the year they will be matched with a little girl. Shannon has been a Coffin Gerry PTO volunteer for the past 4 years.

Annemarie Rockwell - Annemarie lives in Marblehead with her husband and three mischievious boys. Her sons are 14-, 12- and 10 -years -old. Both Annemarie and her husband work Marblehead and are in the veterinary field.  Thus, a menagerie of strays and orphans reside with them too:  dogs, cats, rabbit, ferrets, fish and a parrot.

Brenda Kelley Kim - Brenda is a Marblehead mom. She is the author of our weekly column, "Not for Nothing."

Darcy Mayers - Is the author of our weekly column, "Playdates for Grown-ups." She is also on the PTO.

Leslie Martini Eddy - Is a former Marblehead business owner and mom. She is the author of our bi-weekly column, "How They Met."

Meredith Tedford -  Meredith has lived in Marblehead for over ten years with her husband and three kids ages 11, 9 and 6. She's an avid volunteer, reluctant mini van driver and fortunate stay-at-home mom. In the "real" world  she publishes "Fans of Being a Mom," one of the largest Facebook fan pages for moms.

Karen Byron - Karen and her husband have lived in Marblehead since 2001 and are the proud parents of two boys, ages 8 months and 3 years. She happily juggles mommyhood with her business as a grant consultant to nonprofit organizations.  They can often be found exploring new hiking trails, parks and beaches in New England with their dog Jack.

Xhazzie Kindle - Xhazzie is a self-employed mom of four-year-old twins.