How I Healed My Chronic Pain And Unlocked My Life Purpose

I was 13 years old when I first felt a sharp, crippling pain shooting through my body. I’ll never forget because not only was the pain unbearable, but I was in the middle of performing in a community theater production of Godspell, a show I had dreamed of being in since my young self could remember. Growing up, I was the kid entertaining everyone at family gatherings and it led to me taking dancing lessons at 8 years old after begging my parents to get me into classes. My parents were both musicians – my dad played the bass and my mom was a singer and flutist – so I grew up with music and dance being an integral part of my daily life. Living in this environment combined with my passion for dance created an intense ambition for me to be a Broadway dancer.

As my father was working the lighting booth for Godspell, he saw the look in my eyes when the pain struck and knew immediately that something was wrong. He rushed backstage to see me during intermission with ice and plastic wrap. I fell into his arms in tears. After the performance, my parents dealt with my pain like most innocent parents would, with the best at-home care they could provide which included a lot of ice and heating packs. I was also raised in a rigid evangelical family, so I was more likely to be prayed on during a tent revival than be examined by a trained professional. A chiropractor performed electrical stimulation on me but the relief I gained was temporary. As a kid, I was never taken to see a regular physician for my back pain, so, like a lot of students I see now as a Pilates teacher helping rehab those with chronic pain, it just became a normal thing my back did.

Unfortunately, the shooting pain started happening more frequently. And I became overwhelmed with fear just waiting for the pain to happen. It took over my life, and I struggled because dance was still a big part of my identity. By the time I made it to high school, I had given up on my dreams of applying to the Boston Conservatory for Dance. My pain had changed the trajectory of my life.

At that time, I didn’t have the language for it, but now I realize that I didn’t create space to grieve my failed dream of becoming a dancer. So, from 18 to 25 years old, I floundered trying to figure out what to do with my life. And soon my next chapter would take on a different, but equally stressful journey. I enrolled in college and ended up at a major management consulting firm which was filled with fast-paced and intense, 12-hour days. I was in a race to climb the corporate ladder and be successful and I was exhausted. I broke free from my evangelical Christian roots and began to travel the world which blew the doors off of my upbringing. I had become liberated in so many ways, yet I was still chained to the expectations of the outside world. And I was still in pain.

Eventually, I was diagnosed with a disc herniation. Bulging discs are quite common and don’t have to be life-ending. But after the diagnosis I was angry. I was tired of my body feeling broken and viewing myself as frail or weak. I wanted to feel strong. I also felt like I would never enjoy movement again – even recreationally.

Then came the panic attacks. The first one happened when I was getting ready to give a presentation in a client meeting. I couldn’t breathe and it felt like my heart stopped. After this happened a few times I finally went to urgent care and was told that I was having panic attacks. My stressful job had taken its toll on me.

Research shows that stress can make existing pain worse, and chronic pain can lead to increased stress levels. It’s a vicious cycle. As I look back on this painful time, I realize that my body and nervous system was trying to tell me something. It alerted me to the fact that years of ignored anxiety and stress needed to be felt and addressed. So I decided something needed to change in my life. I had already started doing Pilates in 2007 because it was the one thing that brought me joy, and helped with my back pain. Soon it became an integral part of my pain management program.

Nearly 10-years later I received my training to be a comprehensively certified Pilates instructor (Balanced Body, NPCP) to help people in pain improve strength, mobility and well-being in a weight-neutral environment. And shortly after, I quit my job and focused my career on Pilates.

I was drawn to complex cases and people in pain so I founded the studio to incorporate Pilates with Pain Reprocessing Therapy to support post-rehab clients and those with chronic conditions. Movement Remedies, which launched in 2022, was a culmination of my feeling like I never fit in, feeling as though pain ruled my life and feeling as if my purpose was bigger than me and that I could help others who suffered like I did.

Pain will always be a part of my story, but how I manage and live with it no longer feels crippling. Today, my pain management and self-care practice includes journaling daily, getting outdoors and saying positive affirmations like “I am strong, I am capable.” I also make time for mindful movement every day – even if it is just five minutes of rolling around on the floor. I never want to shut out my body again and have pain be the reminder that I need to take care of it.

By taking control of my stress triggers and pain management, I’ve been given a life that’s beyond my wildest dreams and inspired others to work through their grief, pain and trauma through movement so they too can live freely and fully. We all deserve to feel good in our bodies, and it starts with healing from the inside out.