Russ’s Ravings: When I Thought I’d Be Better Off Dead

Editor's note: The following is Patch Field Editor Russ Crespolini's, hopefully, weekly column. It is reflective of his opinion alone.

I had just watched the whipped cream slide down the side of my sloppy, untouched banana split when the thought rose up in my mind for the first time.

“If you don’t wake up tomorrow, maybe that would be for the best.”

I was sitting in a diner in New York City with my father. We had checked into a hotel, and I was having what could be considered a “last meal” as the next morning I was going to be having a brain tumor removed at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center.

And I thought dying might be a better option.

Spoiler alert: this was almost a year ago. I didn’t. You can read more about my tumor tales here if you like:

• Russ's Ravings: The Doctor Called To Tell Me I Have A Tumor
• Russ's Ravings: Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes
• Russ's Ravings: A Tale Of (At Least) Two Tumors
• Russ's Ravings: The Horrors Of Waiting Mitigated By Laughter
• Russ's Ravings: 'One Slip, And You're Toast'
• Russ's Ravings: I'm not Okay. And That's Okay
• Russ's Ravings: All I Want For Christmas Is Brain Surgery
• Russ's Ravings: I'm Glad I Am The One Who Is Sick
• Russ's Ravings: Things I Want My Daughter To Know 'Just In Case'
• Russ's Ravings: The Happiest Guy In The Cancer Center

This was the first and only time in my life I’ve ever had what someone could call “suicidal ideation.” And even that is borderline. I didn't actively wish to die. I just thought it might be better if I did. But it was the first step on what could have been a slippery slope downward.

And did I tell anyone about this? No. I kept it to myself. Not telling my family, friends or even my therapist until now.

This is going to surprise a lot of people who know me. It is going to surprise a lot of students whom I've taught. Students whom I counseled, helped get help they needed. Students whom I gave impassioned reasons as to why they needed to be honest with themselves and get well. It makes me feel like a fraud.

It makes me feel ashamed.

I had been fighting this strange illness for so long, and I had a really great chance of turning the corner. There were people so much sicker with a much worse prognosis. How DARE I not appreciate all I had.

But the truth was: I was tired. I was tired of feeling scared. And exhausted. I was tired of feeling like something was wrong with me. I was guilty for lashing out when I felt low. Guilty for being unable to take control of my mood and my weight, not knowing I was fighting a battle inside myself on a front I didn’t know existed.

I thought I was such a burden to those around me. It would make their lives better if I was no longer a factor.

Then the whipped cream splurched from the side of the dish to plate beneath it. And just as fast as it had come, the thought was gone.

But its impact remained.

And that is why I am sharing this with you now. This dark and dangerous thought came to me when I was feeling weak at the end of a long and stressful battle.

Not dissimilar to what so many are experiencing at the end of 2020.

The holidays can be a challenge to so many when conditions are normal, and this year is...next to normal.

We’ve lost loved ones, jobs, businesses, schooling, dreams, connection and even our basic feeling of safety and security.

It’s been a long slog.

And we’re tired.

Depression, substance abuse, domestic violence incidents are all up. And so my message for you as we head into 2021 is: hang on.

There are better days ahead of us. And as we get there, make sure you take care of yourself and try to help those you are able to.

And do not be ashamed to ask for help. To admit you are struggling. It’s ok to not be ok.

So please, contact these people below if you need to. Hell, contact me if you need to. I’ll listen. And I’ll help connect you with those who can assist.

You are not alone. 2021 is going to be a better year. But you have to be here to experience it.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: Available 24 hours
800-273-8255

SAMHSA National Helpline
Confidential free help, from public health agencies, to find substance use treatment and information.
1-800-662-4357

The Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233

Russ Crespolini is a Field Editor for Patch Media, adjunct professor and college newspaper advisor. His columns have won awards from the National Newspaper Association and the New Jersey Press Association.

He writes them in hopes of connecting with readers and engaging with them. And because it is cheaper than therapy. He can be reached at russ.crespolini@patch.com