Talking With Kids in the Wake of School Shootings

A week after a student went on a shooting spree in a Cleveland, OH, high school leaving three dead and four injured, locals are feeling fortunate that it didn’t happen here, but also wary of hearing about another tragic school incident.

"It's easy to become complacent, to forget we live in the ‘real world,’ that goes beyond the happy little bubble of bucolic Northern Westchester,” said Amy Oringel, mother of two at “My kids are young, but my eye is on the future and what might lie ahead—we need to be smart, safe and realistic.”

In the wake of the Ohio shooting—and the dozens of shootings in schools in the last two decades—schools have heightened security procedures including lockdown drills and the establishment of emergency response teams.

But the simple act of talking to your child is more important than security cameras and metal detectors, say local experts in education and psychology. Helping them understand warning signs of aggressive behavior and encouraging them to speak up is the best means of preventing the unfathomable—a violent incident close to home.

"In school incident after school incident, similarities abound: Other students and sometimes even adults knew there were issues or that something very bad might happen; parents and other adults were not aware of what was going on under their own roof and warning signals were missed," said Bedford Schools Superintendent, Jere Hochman, who sent a letter to families about the shootings the day the news hit.

Hochman is an advocate for every adult—in school, at home, and in the community—being responsible for “prevention” through the development of positive relationships with students.

"Some of it seems old-fashioned, but conversation at the dinner table, [the slogan] “It’s 10:00 p.m., do you know where your children are?” and dozens of other common sense approaches are important," he told Patch. "More overtly, parents should not be naïve."

Dr. Carolyn Grosso, a child and family psychologist at in Bedford Hills, agrees.

"We need to ask our kids regularly, what do they feel good about with peers and what concerns them? The idea is to see what they know already and then go from there—you're less likely to scare them if a lot of the details come from them."

Grosso said most children are probably already capable of identifying risk factors in other kids they know, for example, aggression, unfriendliness and loneliness. 

Both Hochman and Grosso said paying attention to children and their friends can lead to very good discussions about going from bystander to active participant.

Hochman said that students and adults must intervene when situations arise, minor or major, on the playground or in the hallways. And everyone must know and be reminded that they must report to an adult if something bad might occur.

Students should be praised for going out of their way to befriend someone who seems lonely, added Grosso.

"A bit of kindness can go a long way in helping a vulnerable kid feel liked instead of feeling as though everyone in the school is the enemy," she said. "But they should also feel comfortable discussing with school counselors if they have safety concerns; we know that kids who have been bullied either can become suicidal or can bully."

Both Bedford Central and Katonah Lewisboro have adopted policies addressing bullying and cyberbullying, and further efforts to involve students seem to be making a difference.

The TASC (Take a Stand Committee) trains students to confront their peers when they see bad behavior, and BCSD is piloting a nationally recognized anti-bullying program—no different than the "see something, say something," campaign, said Hochman.

The measures offer some comfort to parents like Oringel.

"I do believe my children are safe in school or else I wouldn't send them on a bus to be there for six hours every day," she said. "But the bullying program and stepped-up security has eased my mind."

Did you talk to your children or students about the Ohio shootings? Do you think local schools encourage an atmosphere of respect and social responsibility? Let us know in the comments.