Co-Ed Sleepovers: Parents Mandatory

Parents generally fret about children's well being when they're out of the house—at a party or event.

But what happens when you have to worry about what goes on under your roof?

Recently, parents in the Larchmont-Mamaroneck community have expressed concern about the occurrence of co-ed sleepovers. And according to students at Mamaroneck High School, parents' anxieties are not the invention of overactive imaginations and excessive fussing.

"I've been to a co-ed sleepover before," explained Matt Bialo, a junior at MHS. Bialo noted the event was planned in advance, however, and parents were aware and present.

A freshman said she is aware of co-ed sleepovers in the area, but thinks they happen at every high school, not just in Mamaroneck.

"It's mostly upperclassmen who participate," she said. "I think it's fine as long as the parents are home. Then nothing bad can happen."

Maria Mantis, a Mamaroneck resident whose children, now 18, 22, and 24, attended the high school, said that while it is important to trust children's better judgment and allow them to make proper decisions, nothing positive can come of co-ed sleepovers.

"As a parent, I don't approve," she explained. "Teenagers will be teenagers. If you put a bunch of hormone-crazy teenagers in a sleepover situation, it spells trouble."

But what about co-ed sleepovers where parents are not in the loop? These instances are apparently not as common, and many students see why.

"I don't think my parents would be okay with a coed sleepover unattended by adults," Bialo said.

"[It doesn't seem inappropriate] having guys and girls sleeping under the same roof," said a sophomore male. "It's respectable that parents want guys and girls in separate rooms, but a lot of guys and girls are platonic friends in this day and age… It's a different situation if parents aren't home," he continued. "It becomes a potential problem."

The student said the bigger worry should be if drinking and marihuana smoking takes place, not the sleepover itself.

Dr. Linda Sonna, a psychologist and author of 10 parenting books, including "The Everything Parenting a Teenager Book," advises parents to talk to the adults involved in the sleepover, make sure they are aware of the party, will not be serving alcohol and will supervise the teens. In the case of a co-ed party, Sonna writes that parents should "make it clear that breaking the rules will result in everybody being sent home, no matter what time it is." She also reminds parents not to expect their teen to be in charge of the goings-on. Parents are the "responsible party," she says. In addition, Sonna suggests providing separate sleeping areas, setting a "lights out" time and a party perimeter, which means that guests stay in the house and yard and uninvited guests are not allowed onto the property.

Students have approached their guidance counselors at the high school with other problems in the past—recently, in the case of harassment via social networking sites—but co-ed sleepovers are a dilemma Mamaroneck counselors are unfamiliar with.

"It's not something I'm aware of," said Laura Kearon, a guidance counselor at MHS. "Maybe I'm being naïve. But it's not a problem the administration has had to address."

Still, Kearon has strong opinions on the issue.

"Even if parents were present, it would be next to impossible to have the appropriate amount of supervision for such an event," Kearon said. "As a parent and professional, I don't think it's appropriate. Developmentally, it's not something students can handle."

In several cases, the sleepovers are taking place under unique circumstances—the night after prom, for example, groups of students generally stay at each other's houses.

"After prom, we had a coed sleepover at my friend's house," said Paul Marino. "There were about sixteen of us."

"Her parents were home," he added. "[If there was no parental supervision], I wouldn't have been able to go."