Bridging Divide Between Women With and Without Children

One of the divides with women is the battle between those with children and those without children.

After having a baby, a maternal fog leaves a woman unable to imagine a life without her child, who is the new gravitational pull in her life. Whereas, women who have yet to have children may find it difficult to understand how they will maintain their sanity or sense of identity once children enter their world.

Becoming a mother can strain friendships with women who do not have children because of the drastic changes in priority and new focus on the child and all things related. Add to this an insensitive question about a woman's lifestyle, and the divide deepens.

"When are you going to have children?"

I was a newly married, newly employed military wife when these words were first uttered to me at a "Spouses Coffee" event. I was 24 years old, and having children was not even a blip on my radar, so the question immediately brought up my defenses.

Regardless of the woman’s age, asking this loaded question can be hurtful and insensitive, yet people ask this of women all the time. Why is such a personal topic perceived to be appropriate for casual conversation?

For women without children, this bile-producing question may evoke several responses:

1.   “I have a job that I'm successful at and enjoy a great deal. My eggs will not shrivel up and die while I pursue my career.”

2.   “I'll pass along your concerns to my husband tonight as he jabs me with my nightly hormone injection.” (You never know what's going on in one's personal life. Curiosity may feel like a cruel inquisition to someone struggling to become pregnant.)

3.   “I don't want children, and no, that doesn't make me cold or heartless.”

Steer clear of this question unless you are speaking with your closest confidant. It's too personal and it’s too complicated to be treated as lightly as it often is. While the response may be flippant or nonchalant, the impact of the question may run deep and hit a nerve.

The decision to have a child is monumental. Give a woman a break!


"What do you do all day?"

The decision to have a baby and to stay at home to raise your child is a super-difficult choice. I loved working, and since I decided to stay home with my children, I do miss the job on occasion, as do many other stay-at-home moms, which may be why we are rather sensitive to questions about our livelihood.

You often hear stay-at-home moms say that this is the hardest job they've ever had. This may conjure images of hard manual labor for some who would scoff at the comment. However, I've found what makes the "mom" job so difficult is not the day-to-day tasks of child care; it’s the mental challenge caused by sleep deprivation or simply dealing with poo and spit up solo for 10 hours, and the emotional struggle caused by only having mini-me's as your daily companions, who frequently flail on the floor, try to hit, and possibly bite you.

Be weary of asking a stay-at-home mom what she does all day because she may have not spoken to an adult in several hours and might need to unload or it's difficult to explain, as are most emotions associated with motherhood. Every day is different, and yet the same, tiring, and yet wonderful sacrifice that’s the greatest reward.

It's easy to get caught up in our own little lives, and unintentionally be dismissive of each other's situation. However, I've found the most rewarding friendships with women offer the opportunity to discuss all aspects of life. Sharing these monumental choices and life experiences with each other binds women together, making the best friendships and sisterly support.