CSI: Laguna Beach—Indecent Exposure, Vicodin and Meat-Smearing!

All reports taken from the public logbook, available for viewing in the lobby of the by anyone who asks.

Wednesday, Feb. 2:

10:55 a.m. On Coast Highway near , some dude screams, “Hey, scum!” and waves his middle finger at a guy, who’s bothered enough to report this brazen act of playground-insult-hurling and junior-high-finger-flipping to the LBPD, which promptly dispatches its Scum Verification Unit to the scene.

Thursday, Feb. 3:

3:05 a.m. OK, so it probably wouldn’t be advisable to call 911 just because some idiot is loudly jackhammering (in this case, near the corner of Cypress and Monterey). But when this particular idiot is jackhammering at 3:05 a.m.— that’s 3:05 in the morning!—all the normal rules of 911 etiquette get tossed.

10:35 p.m. One of the mucky-mucks calls the LBPD to request extra patrols tonight between midnight and 5:30 a.m., specifically the quad area, because the school’s winter formal is Saturday night and those crazy kids usually come on campus the night before and “decorate.” With what, we wonder? Toilet paper? Spray paint? Or something even darker and more threatening, like Lauren Conrad’s spring fashion line?

Friday, Feb. 4:

1:39 a.m. Darn you blasted kids! The fuzz is foiled, as somehow pranksters manage to slip past the LBPD’s watchful eye and onto the Laguna Beach High School grounds, where they move some tables around, pile some trash cans up, and, weirdly, smear raw meat on “certain areas” of the school. Campus vegans reportedly request counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder.

8:50 a.m. Proof that Vicodin addiction destroys brain cells, as over on Encinitas Court, someone breaks into a house and steals a Vicodin container that was apparently empty. No problem, as the perp simply rang up CVS and attempted to request a refill, which, we assume, was denied.

Saturday, Feb. 5:

2:05 a.m. Over at Upland and Glenneyre, somebody reports that a male subject is on the corner with his pants pulled down, a clear case of indecent exposure—or as it’s known out in the Inland Empire, “Barstow air conditioning.”

Sunday, Feb. 6:

4:02 p.m. Lame reason to dial 911 number 3,299: locking your keys in your car, as one woman does this afternoon. The kicker: she has Auto Club but apparently didn’t have its number. The 911 dispatcher somehow manages to not unleash a barrage of profanities (as far as we know) and instead digs up the number for her.