A Blessing? A Burden? Get on that Boat! BLOG

By de anne

I have recently read a very disturbing article that bruised my spirit. It was written by a mom who has a 47 yr. old son, with Down Syndrome, who she openly and publicly states she wished she had aborted.

Okay, now catch your breath. I don’t know where to begin. This woman, 69 yr. old Gillian Relf from the UK, tells us not to judge her unless we have walked in her shoes. She states that her on, has complicated the life of her and her family, in ways she never anticipated. She goes on to say, it interrupted her anticipated career and the simple family life she and her husband had envisioned.

First of all, I would like to address you, Mrs. Gillian Relf, from one mom to another. Some may say you are courageous to have stated these feelings and some may actually have felt the exact same way. Some may regret choosing life and some may have chosen not to. But, I am going to state my feelings from the other side of the issue.

We all have disappointments, life’s fast balls and things thrown our way that we didn’t see or create. There is often a loss of a job and financial disrupt that causes holy havoc in our lives. There can be sickness and death we never saw coming. There can be betrayal and pain brought on by others that we thought we could trust. And we handle it to the best of our abilities. We mostly manage to get through, get past and carry on, because there isn’t really a choice, is there?

I find it appalling, Mrs. Relf, to put your son of 47 yrs. in this category. This precious life, you brought into this world was not as expected, I get that. This child, 47 years ago, was doomed to be aborted as many were with any suspected abnormalities. The idea of the “perfect child” was and still is in full bloom in our society. Everybody wants the child who is beautiful to look at, smart as a whip and popular with everyone. This is an expected expectation when the perspective is perceived through the eyes and mind of societies standard “norms.” I get it!

The problem with all of this, is, 47 years later, you haven’t learned to take off those glasses and put on your own. You have taken what was given to you and refused to see the beauty and the value in this child, your son. You have missed the boat, dear lady, and unfortunately, you have also deprived your family, your community and your son of the same. You, dear lady, have proven to be far less than courageous or truth telling. In fact, the only courageous thing you did, was not to abort your gift.

Walk in your shoes, you say. Really? I have walked in your shoes, not once but three times. I have a son with ADHD, Bipolar and he’s deaf. I have another son, who also has ADHD and a daughter with Down Syndrome, like your son, but she also has congenital heart defects, which were corrected. You say that we don’t understand how this child “interrupted your plans, your career, and your simple family life!” The disappointments you never anticipated are so overwhelming to you, still, that you blame this child. I feel nothing but sorry for you, Gillian. Here’s why:

Although, having a child with Down Syndrome isn’t an easy breezy ordeal, it is not this devastatingly horrific blow to your life either. You have a husband, and I’m assuming a family in the UK. Why was your “anticipated” career never seen? In all these years, you couldn’t push yourself to go through with those plans? I have had my “career” interrupted numerous times, by my children, bad marriages and health issues, yet I am still on that road. My dreams may have been deferred but still obtainable. If you truly wanted yours, you would have managed to see it through, even with the difficulty.

Children and even some adults, with DS can be very time consuming, I know, especially as a single parent. They can take up your time, your money and much of your patience. .so what? So many parents of typically developing kids go through the same or worse. If your boy had developed cancer, or some other life threatening disease, would you terminate him so you could have it easier? Whoever told you life and living was predictable? What planet do you live on and how long have you been delusional?

Why have you chosen to wear society’s glasses instead of putting on your own unique ones? Why haven’t you learned from this beautiful young man, all the lessons he’s been given to you to learn from? Do you not have the ability to see life as a challenged person, instead of a whining, poor me, point of view? Do you have any idea at all of his feelings, his thoughts, his reactions to you and your negativity? Do you expect the world to applaud you for the “sacrifice “you made by not aborting him, yet regretting this act not taken?

Let me teach you something, dear unappreciative mom. You were given an opportunity to take a bird with a broken wing and teach it to fly. You were given the chance to love unconditionally, to protect and advocate for your son’s rights in this world, to be an example for society.

1967 was a great year of change and people helping society to make those changes well needed. Civil Rights were heightened and women were given more voice. You could have been a great example for so many who had the same choice you had, life or death. Yes, you chose life for your boy, but to what capacity? How much more fulfilled, happier and meaningful could you have been and your family, if you only didn’t dread your choice.

Do you really think your son didn’t and doesn’t know your thoughts and feelings? Let me educate you on limited verbal speakers and those with intellectual challenges: they feel what you feel and they know how you think, even if they can’t express it. That boy being raised in a home where mom regretted his life had to be so sad and the very reason he didn’t get to fly. I should know, as I deal with children like your son, every day. I have to pick up the broken pieces that the parents leave everywhere. The selfishness and disdain, whether expressed or not, is evident in their child and the others in the home. I have to play healer, as their teacher, their counselor and their program designer. I have to cry at night when I see the sadness in their walk, or in their eyes. I suffer the pains of what you have created. You have no idea.

So, I would be fooling myself, if I didn’t admit, this road has been a difficult one. Being a parent of a child with any challenge, is no picnic in the park. Being a parent of a child or adult with DS can be more than challenging, like when your child takes 10years to potty train, or at age 12, they are still struggling with dressing themselves or taking a tantrum over the movie they want to watch 54 times a day! Not an easy job, but I find every day I am challenged in more ways than my child.

I am learning, still, about patience, finding new ways to amuse, teach and train. I am discovering the true meaning of love, and unconditional love from a child who holds no grudges and who loves mommy even when I am exasperated at 7am or 10pm. I learn every day from this extraordinary person about life seeing it through her eyes, not mine, and soon our eyes see the same. The beauty around us, that perfect butterfly or the colors in a blanket that might have gone unnoticed, become suddenly bright as the sun.

I have learned to be content with the little things in life and the small accomplishments she braves every day. Like when she finally gets the peanut butter on the bread or can write her name or when she understands getting up when the alarm rings is necessary.

There are always some doubts about the future and some moments of feeling a little more than overwhelmed, but never, NEVER, have I wished I had aborted this perfect little specimen of God’s love. She keeps me strong, continual and focused. She gives me determination to see my goals through and to be an example for other parents. She keeps me strong and true and honest about life. She sustains me in every way.

So, if the struggles, and hardships come along with all these lessons, so be it. This is courageous and without regrets. This is my blessing along with my other children, this child is my lesson on how to be a better, more caring, more passionate human being in a world that desperately needs it. I got on the boat, dear Mrs. Relf, from the UK (and others like her who missed it) and I’m so sorry you missed it!

If I were you, I’d keep a lookout, as there will be another one coming for all those who missed the first one. It’s not too late, and if I were you, I’d jump on board.

Namaste!