How to Avoid Cooperating Issues from Interfering with Your Holidays

I often hear parents tell me their kids are doing fine with their divorce. However, when I ask the child how they are doing, they often say they are stuck in the middle of war. I also have many parents who are thinking about divorce ask me, "how will this affect my child?" This is a tough question to answer. The only answer that I can provide is it depends on how well they, the parents, handle the divorce.

What I have seen as a psychotherapist working with children whose parents are divorcing is that how the parents handle the divorce determines how a child will react. Many children are put in the middle during a divorce. The parents and often grandparents make the children feel like they must choose between Mom and Dad. Please stop and think about the impossible choice you have given your children. No child can make this choice between mom and dad. They love both of their parents unconditionally. Even if one parent is beating them, children still love their parents. It’s a biological need that they love both parents. Therefore, children put in this position are caught in the middle and feel they cannot make a good decision. Therefore children under this type of stress like tend to act out at school, at home and get involved with drugs and alcohol.

Parents think about the fact that you decided to have this child. Therefore, you have an obligation to provide them with the best childhood that you can. This obligation does not cease because you decide to divorce or no longer be in a relationship together. The child did not ask to be born and if you decide to end your relationship that is not their problem. Life may become more difficult for you because now you must figure out how to divorce and not to make your divorce your child’s responsibility. As the parents you both still have an obligation to ensure that your child has a happy childhood.

This issue really becomes an issue around the holidays. There often are arguments about which parent is getting more holiday time. There are also arguments about the children participating in ongoing family events and how much time the children are spending with maternal and paternal grandparents. Of course there are the arguments over holiday gifts. Is one parent out spending the other one. Is one parent buying holiday gifts for the children that they feel are inappropriate such as realistic looking toy guns or very elaborate laptops. Of course the real big one is gifts the mom buys must stay at mom’s house and the same is true for the gifts Dad buys. This is supposed to be a fun, happy time year, not a time of year where we need peace negotiations. All of this petty arguing ruins the holidays for children. Now there are some irresponsible parents who make the need for peace talks necessary. However, in my experience these parents are not the majority and the main issues we are dealing with are parents egos.

Also divorce takes a long time and children have no say about what happens in regards to custody. This takes a toll on a child. Also it is very hard not where you are going to live and having no say about how often you see Mom or Dad. Again this is very stressful on children and this stress often results in children acting out or becoming depressed. Many children can benefit from therapy during a divorce, but many parents argue over therapy. Therefore, many children don't receive therapy or only receive it after a long fight.

The other difficulty is that many parents tell a child everything about the divorce even though they are instructed not to. This is extremely stressful on a child. They are too young to fully understand the situation and they are hearing things about their parents that they should not hear. This creates a tremendous amount of stress on a child. As a result, their grades suffer, they feel overwhelmed and often turn to alcohol, drugs or sex as a way to decrease their stress. Also many children become angry and start to get into fights at school or vandalize things.

Everything I have described is because of parents putting children in the middle of a divorce. Remember you can get a divorce and stop being married, but you cannot stop being parents. You must learn to co-parent and you need to keep your child out of the middle.

Many people tend to down play what I say because they feel I am exaggerating. Therefore, I have included a link to a video where a child gives tips to other kids and adults about divorce. Therefore, you will not be hearing it from a therapist, you will be hearing it directly from a child dealing with divorce. Please watch and learn, Listen to a kid give kids & parents very good tips about coping with divorce. A must see https://youtu.be/_KqiKtobsSM.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 25 years working with children, teenagers who are divorcing, trauma victims which can be teenagers whose parents are divorcing and first responders such as police, firefighters and emergency room workers. For more information on Dr. Rubino's work or private practice please visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com