Moms Talk: Are Playgroups the New Social Cliques?

When you have kids you have to learn to navigate a whole new social world order with its own set of rules.

Finding friends for your kids is only half the battle: You have to be able to tolerate their parents, too, and be able to find something to talk about while the little ones play.

Sometimes this can seem impossible. Breaking into the dynamics of a small social group can be challenging. It's like high school cliques or dating all over again. You wonder if you should call to ask for a playdate. You wonder why they don't call you. You go and have fun but never hear from them again. Was it something your kid did?

Members of our Patch Moms Council share their thoughts about socializing in playgroups.

Kathleen Schoening: I have heard of many great stories about playgroups and then I have heard the horror stories – the stories that make your stomach turn sour. 

I have heard of playgroup coordinators intentionally not calling everyone in the playgroup as a way to edge out a parent they do not want.  I have seen parents so upset over being let go from a playgroup — moms who think they have been let go from the greatest clique in town. 

 In reality though, if the parents or the kids do not get along with the group then it is time to move on. It is life. Try a different playgroup.

 I have been a party to emails from playgroup coordinators: “Playgroup was at 11 a.m., why were you not there?”  As if playgroup was a life requirement or a job, something I had to report to on time to every week. Needless to say, I did not stay in that group for long because life happens and young kids get sick often. 

 I  have seen groups that say you as a mommy can bring your child to playgroup but not the dad, grandma, grandpa or even the nanny.  Nice, right?

I have been in and out of a few playgroups. Some of our dearest friends have come from those groups and my daughter’s as well.  We have built lifelong family relations and have traveled with those families. In fact, my daughter’s closet friend, Delilah, came from a group, and they have been friends since they were 4 months old.

On the positive side, when life happens playgroups become a line of support for a family. When my husband had cancer, my playgroup became our extended family in some ways. They watched Emma, cooked and at times ran errands.

 So I encourage my friends to change playgroups if they're not happy with their current one. Playgroups are like a good shoe; they should fit well and be comfortable and supportive. 

 Deborah May: Although I have three children, I have never joined a playgroup. My kids have their friends and I have mine. It’s great when we find a whole family that we can all agree is great to hang out with. But a scheduled, organized playgroup does not appeal to me. 

 Playgroups are a modern creation. When I was a kid we played with the kids on our street. We had to figure out how to get along and make play fun for everyone. Our parents did not supervise, much less organize, the groups or events. We just played. I firmly believe this was good for us kids. We learned about conflict resolution, different personality types and how to make our own decisions in regard to getting along with others.

I have heard about some of the playgroup drama described above and have always been glad that navigating it is something that we have opted out of. Life is complicated and busy enough without turning play (for adults or kids) into yet another structured, restrictive and ultimately stressful activity.

Every week our Tri-Valley Moms Council discusses a different parenting topic. Let us know if you have a suggestion for a discussion. Post it in the comments or email kari@patch.com.