Moms Talk: What to Do About Toxic Friendships

There comes a time in every child's life when they start choosing their own friends, but sometimes the pals they pick might not be the right ones.

You know who we're talking about: The kid who never says thank you, leaves trash on your lawn or calls five times in a row during dinner. Or the more troublesome toxic "friend" who talks behind your child's back or shares mean gossip.

What's hardest is when they get their feelings hurt by these friends and then go back for more. I know it's normal for kids to squabble and then make up, but it's a roller coaster ride for sure.

Tell us how you cope.

Deborah May:  My girls have not had issues with mean friends (yet).  They are both sufficiently strong-willed not to put up with friends who treat them badly.  They are, however, susceptible to bad influences. It is frustrating to see your typically angelic child make unbelievably bad choices under the influence of certain kids.  

We have not tried to limit the friendships but do try to point out the behavior. My oldest (nearly 8) is just starting to understand that if she wants us to trust her then she has to be trustworthy even when the peer pressure is on. She is still unable to carry through with it, though. Her self-control flies out the window as soon as a social engagement is under way. This lesson may take years.

 My son seems to be more vulnerable to being pushed around (literally and figuratively). I am getting more involved here—not so much steering him away from “friends” but actively helping him find ways to take control of situations. 

Every kid is different and so are the reasons they form less than desirable friendships. Trying to get at the root cause is important. I think that’s the first step. Otherwise you’re just addressing a symptom and another problem friend soon will come along to fill the void.     

Kathleen Schoening: 

“I don’t want to be your friend.”

 “I don’t want to play with you.”

 “We don’t want you around us.”

 I have heard these words come from the mouths of 4- and 5-year-olds.  As a mom and a co-director of Livermore Moms, it breaks my heart. I have seen my child and other children temporary devastated by these words. Conversations are had and hearts are temporary healed, but it is a harsh reality; welcome to the real world.

 Add some aggressive behavior into the equation or maybe, like a dear fellow mom recently experienced, some profanity, and it spells bad behavior and bad influence. 

 We are talking about kids under the age of 5. This is when the baseline of characteristics of life is formed. Sure, you could talk to the parents but if the parents are not willing to listen and this is normal behavior in their home, the relationship has to end for our daughter.

We have had to end one such friendship in the case of my daughter. It was not an easy experience. In fact, it was quite painful. However, the lessons for us as parents and then the lesson for her on how to maintain friendships were so important. Giving her the confidence to say, “No, you are not allowed to treat me like that,” is something we are still working on. When you are 4- or 5 years old it is simply too hard to understand why everyone cannot be a friend.

Cameron Sullivan: The point at which a child is able to choose his or her own friends will vary from child to child. The fact is that when the kids are at school, parents can't control which kids their children eat lunch with or talk to between classes. But we certainly can set boundaries for after-school hours or during weekends or school breaks.

This can be a touchy subject, though, because two parents who are seemingly "on the same page" about how they raise their children may view certain members of their kids' peer groups through different-colored lenses.

In the rare instances that I've questioned a new friendship over the years, a set of open-ended questions to my child(ren) usually leads my child(ren) to come up with talking points —on their own — that point out why associating closely with a certain friend may be unwise.

The best part is that letting your child craft answers to open-ended questions helps them feel they've figured out something on their own. When all else fails, however, you're the parent: You get to decide how and when your children interact with whom.

Every week our Moms Council discusses a different parenting topic. Let us know if you have a suggestion for a future discussion. Post it in the comments or email kari@patch.com.