A Word on the State of Doritos, Granby and East Granby Library Sked, Breakdancing Shakespeare

Good morning, Granby and East Granby! Today is Tuesday, Aug. 13, 2013; there are 140 days left in the year.

Psst. Mr. (or Ms.) Doritos executive. Yeah. You. C’mere. I want to have a word with you.

Let’s chat about Doritos.

First, let me say, “Thank you” for your delicious product. Never before in the history of history has a foodstuff tasted so good while smelling so bad.

Anyhoo, I got a couple of things on my mind and I have to share them with you. First, a word about Doritos JACKED. While I appreciate the effort, I’m not entirely certain we need Doritos on steroids.

I mean, have you ever heard of someone saying, “You know, the flavor of these Doritos is so subtle, so nuanced, that it’s lost even on my delicate palate. We need to amp this [expletive deleted] up.” Yeah, me neither. So no need for those.

Also, my boy Southington LE Jason Vallee and I both agree that you must bring back 3D Doritos. If Jason and I are in accord, trust me when I say there are thousands upon thousands of dudes out there despairing over the loss of that awesome Doritos incarnation. If Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace can be made into 3D, then there’s room for Doritos to be in the third dimension, too.

Finally, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. While I love Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos, Spicy Nacho flavored Doritos, regular Nacho Cheese Doritos, among others, I counted that there were 9 different flavors of your product at my grocery store alone. In the produce section, I counted 8 different kinds of apples.

Take from that what you will, but for me it means that we are doomed.

Pass the 3D Doritos.