Dirty Diaper Virgin

The closer I get to motherhood age, the more terrified I am of babies. Last night my cousins came in to town with the two most precious little boys on earth. Seriously, they’re adorable—from afar.

I’m 23 and I’ve never changed a diaper. I never volunteered to work the nursery during I never babysat, I’m an only child, the youngest cousin and I’ve never held a baby standing up.

They’re terrifying. People hand you these precious, uncrying little bundles and then bam! It starts wriggling and crying like you’re hurting it. You can’t be hurting it. You’re just holding it gently. You're being so careful. 

And you know, they can smell fear.

For example, last night they hand me “surprise baby cousin.” He wasn’t a surprise to his parents, he was just a surprise to me. My cousins (his parents) told my grandmother that they were adopting. My grandmother forgot to tell me. A few months ago, I got an email with this baby and had to ask: Who is this?

That’s surprise baby cousin. He’s adorable. I mean, the sweetest little baby face and baby feet and baby other stuff. But they hand him to me and start talking and I don’t know what to do with it. More than that, he looks so breakable. So I just sat there, frozen in fear until someone else wanted to hold him.

He won that round.

You know, it’s not like a puppy. With Daisy I can feed her chicken nuggets and scratch her behind the ear.

Not the case with babies.

With Daisy I can just clean up her poop in a baggie.

Not the case with babies.

With Daisy I can just put her out on the porch when she gets whiney.

Again, not the case with babies.

I know I should be better at this, but there just weren’t many babies in my family.

There are people my age who actually have kids and who are OK. I have a college degree, have always thought I’m not a complete idiot and I’m terrified of them. It’s hard enough to remember to feed Daisy and me.

OK, so this went on a little longer than I had expected. But, I doubt it’s going to get any better the older I get. People will still hand me babies, and I will still not know what to do.

There’s a whole section on People dedicated to celebrities who have babies. Celebrities who, in general, do not make good decisions when it comes to life. I used to tell myself, “If Miley Cyrus can write a book then so can I.” Maybe I should start saying, “If Jessica Simpson can take care of a baby, then so can I.” Remember that chicken of the sea incident? They’re letting her have a baby?

Moving on:

It’s actually a little chilly today. The high will be near 56 degrees.

Joe Paterno has lung cancer. Yep, that’s the salt in the wound for the Penn State scandal. 

Georgia plays Kentucky today (Go Dawgs) while Tech plays Duke. Auburn plays Samford, Bama (RTR) plays Georgia Southern and Florida plays Furman in the swamp. The best SEC game today will be Mississippi State at Arkansas, although my money is on the Razorbacks.

Bradley Cooper was voted the Sexiest Man Alive this year. This Patch’s personal votes would have gone to Morgan, Reed and Hotch from Criminal Minds and Christopher Meloni. I like my boys in uniform.

Have a great Saturday. Stay away from those babies.