5 Reasons 'A Visit To Santa' Is The Creepiest Holiday Film Ever

Much like clowns and puberty, Santa Claus has the uncanny ability to generate equal measures of joy, confusion and outright horror that starts in pre-adolescence and continues into adulthood for many. For every beloved Christmas movie and TV show starring Jolly Ol' St. Nick, like the original "Miracle on 34th Street," there are twice as many twisted and bizarre examples on par with "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" and "Silent Night, Deadly Night."

One of the creepiest entries in the Claus cultural canon is "A Visit to Santa," a 1963 short film about two children, Dick and Ann, taking a trip to the North Pole to see Kris Kringle. The movie has earned a reputation as a camp classic over the years thanks to multiple airings on Turner Classic Movies during the holiday season.

What jumps out immediately is the short's overall low production budget, stiff acting and strained rhyming narration recited by an unseen and unidentfied narrator. But that's merely an appropriate backdrop for some disturbing messages delivered by the film during its dark journey of the soul.

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Despite its cult popularity, the short's secret origin — how it was made, who stars in it, why anyone let it be shown in public — remains just that, a secret. Here's what is known, however, after a less-than-exhaustive internet search:

• It was produced by Clem Williams Films, a Pittsburgh-based company known for … well, nothing, other than "A Visit to Santa"¹.
• According to a 2008 post by The Tube City Almanac, it was shot in McKeesport, Pennsylvania, a city about 12 miles southwest of Pittsburgh where the Monongahela meets the Youghiogheny.
• In 2016, the travel website RoadSnacks named McKeesport the fifth-worst Pittsburgh suburb, which has nothing to do with the short film but it is fun to mention.

"Visit"² is brief at nearly 12 minutes, but it packs a whole lot to cringe at between the title and end credits. And it's not because the short's shoddy production values make Ed Wood look like Stanley Kubrick in comparison. Or that the actor playing Santa Claus appears to need cue cards to pull off his line readings, including the final scene, which simply requires him to repeat "Merry Christmas!" while looking into the camera.

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No, those details are merely the au jus that this French dip sandwich of a film soaks in until it's a soggy, unappetizing mess. They're not what gives this short the sour eggnog taste that would choke a raging yuletide lover and turn the biggest Santa fan into an unrepentant Ebenezer Scrooge.

So what makes "A Visit to Santa" one of the most disturbing Santa films in a genre that isn't lacking in that quality? These five reasons make a strong case for that claim, but watch the short film and decide for yourself.

1. Santa's Bachelor Pad Rec Room

Who knew Santa was so contempo? Well, contempo for the early 1960s. The short film introduces Santa sitting in what appears to be the half-finished basement of his split-level home at the North Pole. Traditionally, Santa's home workshop has been depicted as a quaint and cozy cottage that was last remodeled in the 18th century, and in "Visit," the unseen narrator calls the residence a castle. But that's not what shows up onscreen. In fact, the drab, Spartan interior design looks like Santa was left only with the house, a love seat, an empty china cabinet and a Naugahyde La-Z-Boy recliner after a bitter divorce from Mrs. Claus.

2. Cult of Personality

Although the elves are referred to as Santa's workers throughout "Visit," the behavior of the only elf given any dialogue in the film actually resembles that of a cult member with a serious case of Stockholm syndrome.

"Your words are my command, Santa," the elf says after being ordered to kidnap fetch Dick and Ann and bring them to the North Pole.

But what's more disturbing is that the elf doesn't appear to be wearing pants. Thankfully, workplace dynamics have improved in the almost 55 years since this film was made, and no employer would ever force an employee to do something as degrading and sexually humiliating as working without wearing …

Oh wait. Never mind.

3. Devil Dolls

Know the old saying about not wanting to see how the sausage gets made? Apparently, the same can be said about the dolls Santa gives as gifts.

"Every doll must have a head and also have a body," the narrator says in his explanation of how the toys are built, as if hundreds of monstrous, spidery dolls consisting only of arms and legs end up under Christmas trees annually.

Maybe the dolls are better off without heads and bodies, though, considering the type of childhood roleplay the movie condones: "For little girls, a doll is fun to wash, to dress, to spank."

Who thinks pretend spanking is a fun part of playtime? That's a messed-up message for a kid, even by 1963 standards.

4. Bad (Gender) Role Models

The messed-up messages for children only begin with the discussion over dolls. The movie makes sure to reinforce gender stereotypes by proclaiming, "Dick shows no delight in dolls."

And it doesn't stop there thanks to this line about what pastimes Ann enjoys: "She'll cook and scrub the whole daylong then serve a TV dinner."

Is it progressive or insulting that she only cooks a TV dinner after all that cleaning? What ever will the eventual man in her life think?

5. Appetite for Destruction

Finally, the film winds down by visiting Santa's collection of toy trains, leading to this observation by Dick: "Santa, do these trains ever wreck? They do. Garsh³, that's fun. Oh, no wrecks today."

That's not true, Dick. "A Visit to Santa" is one giant train wreck.

"A Visit To Santa"

When: 5:45 a.m. ET Dec. 9 and 23 (in case you want to experience this short film in all its disturbing glory on something bigger than a laptop screen)

Network: Turner Classic Movies

Online: A Rifftrax version of the short film also is available at the website for that series.

FOOTNOTES

¹Actually, Clem Williams Films rented second-run, 16mm films to non-theatrical venues, such as schools, universities and museums. Besides "A Visit to Santa," the company produced "An Evening With Bullwinkle and His Friends," a 90-minute compilation of Jay Ward cartoons aimed at college audiences in the 1970s. It also distributed sports highlight films of the Steelers, Pirates and other Pittsburgh teams, according to The Tube City Almanac. A similar outfit, Kit Parker Films, eventually acquired Clem Williams Films's library in the 1980s.

²That's how all the hip kids refer to "A Visit to Santa." Like calling "Game of Thrones" "Thrones." Or "La La Land" "La." Seriously, do it in casual conversation. No one will make fun of you.

³Yes, the narrator pronounces "gosh" with an intrusive "r." He also pronounces "wash" as "warsh" in case you needed one more tip-off this short film was made in Pennsylvania.

"A Visit to Santa" (Image via Clem Willams Film | YouTube)