How Do You Monitor Your Children's Social Life?

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Each week in Moms Talk, our Moms Council of experts and smart moms take your questions, give advice and share solutions.

Grab and cup of coffee and settle in to read this week's question. Below is how the mom's council answered but we want to hear from you. Leave a comment in the comment box below and share your thoughts.

Question: According to a U.S. Department of Health and Human Services study, the friends your children have could affect how they do in school.

As a parent, how do you monitor who your children are friends with?

Annette Silva Grams:

As the years pass and our children graduate from one school building to progressively larger ones their social circles and boundaries widen.

Social circles are now totally wired. Right now my teenager is with her boyfriend. Well not really.  They’re in a virtual world playing chess or mine sweep, together while talking to each other via their web cams. I can hear them in the other room. Our kitchen is now linked to his house and the world. Facebook, Skype, I.M., texting, emailing, tweeting, all leave a public or semi-public trail of both access and clues full of warning signals for parents. At first I feared all this technology. It can leave your child wide open for people with issues to “reach out and touch someone” via the net or mobile phones.

Andover Public Schools offer many wonderful seminars. Parent to Parent is a must do. Unfortunately, for younger families, most of these are not well known or even offered to parents of elementary children. Therefore, I strongly suggest that you attend the internet and mobile phone safety seminars BEFORE your first child enters that bigger middle school building. I did not. I waited until our child was in 6th grade with her first cell phone and IM account.  I regret that delay and, no, I won't tell you why.

Stop, look and listen. Stop that monitor from going private. Look at that monitor, computer and cell phone. You own those accounts, you pay those bills; don't make the children pay for either one of you being naive.  The nanny guard/protection software programs have holes. No worries you have secret weapons and nothing can replace your parents' eyes, ears and heart.

Stop, look and ask questions. Listen to them and your instincts, but most of all listen to your instincts.  Ask: "Who are you talking to on the computer? Who’s that girl on Facebook with "that skirt"? Who are you going out with?  Where are you going? What are you doing? They'll moan, groan and roll their eyes. We're the parents we ask because we care and because that's our responsibility.

Stop, look and listen to your children’s friends. Don’t just meet the kids. As an adult; spend time with your children’s teen friends. Include them in your home, your family time. Look and listen to all the peeps in their lives. 

You'd be amazed at what you can see and hear on Facebook etc.  Spying is often not required or suggested. No need, half of them publish their lives, and the other half aren’t as sneaky as they think. Back in the day I think we got away with more. Now everyone has a cell phone with a video camera.  The Internet often gives you many opportunities to look and listen without violating privacy. You Tube can be your friend.

Someday I look forward to being my daughter's friend. Someday after her body is fully grown, her brain completely developed and her student loans are due. Till then, I'm the parent and before we know it; it will be midnight and only she will know: the who, the what, the where and when and maybe even why.

I think that someday I will miss asking those questions. Will I miss the roll of her eyes, that elongated eye gymnastic roll, synchronized with a cascading groan and fading sigh…..?

Yup I'm the Mom, she's the teen and I'm on Facebook. (Annette is the mother of a 16-year-old girl).

Karen Stack:

I feel incredibly passionate about this question, which is to say:  you DON'T monitor your kids social life.  Monitor your own life because kids need parents to lead by example.  If they see you sitting on your phone gossiping all day, they will end up a mean girl.  And if they hear you bad mouthing your best friend when she's not around, they'll think backstabbing is okay in a friendship.  

Kids find their friendships the same way adults do, likemindedness.  Help your kid find your passion and you'll help him find his/her social life.  Quite frankly, the social lives of 8 ad 9 year olds should not take up more than minutes in your day.  As in, "Sally, who did you sit with at lunch" and "how was your playdate Bobby?"

 Listen attentively, but don't offer up advice unless solicited.  Your child's self esteem is at stake and the only way to build it is to let them figure out things for themselves.