In Defense of Nicole Mitchell

On Monday, April 22nd(around 4:45 AM) Minnesota State Senator(DFL) Nicole Mitchell entered her stepmother’s residence in Detroit Lakes through a basement window, in an attempt to retrieve her late father’s possessions — which, she believed, belonged to her — and got arrested for burglary.

Ordinarily, I’d say it was an open and shut case: guilty as charged and hello, jail time and/or community service. In Nicole Mitchell’s case, though, there are so many overwhelming variables here that her situation deserves more attention and thoughtful consideration than your typical Catwoman burglary.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that entering a relative’s house uninvited in sleek, black recon attire does not a comic book villainess make. The real Catwoman was a professional who was into wreaking havoc in Gotham City and teasing Batman with jewel thefts and other madcap capers. Poor Nicole had it worse. She had to deal with the bugbear of her father’s death in a dysfunctional family, now commandeered by her unsympathetic stepmother. Even one day dealing with that kind of trauma can adversely affect your ability to make reasonable judgements. Nicole, unfortunately, had been grieving her father’s death for over a year AND trying to communicate with his surviving spouse who’d been suffering from dementia.

Even more ironic for her — as a state legislator who did have the ability to enact state laws — was Minnesota’s questionable statutes on Cremation. If she’d really been proactive, she would have taken steps to change these laws, or eliminate them entirely. But unless you’ve personally experienced a loved one’s cremation, you have no idea how other surviving relatives can misuse, even abuse, these laws.

So before we start crucifying Senator Mitchell, let’s take a look at what she had to deal with after her father died.

Unlike other states, Minnesota has no regulations about what to do or not to do with ashes from any cremation. So, a loved one’s remains can be interred in a mausoleum or cemetery; put in an urn and set on the mantlepiece; scattered over the waters of Lake Pulaski; or, just hidden in a shoebox under the bed.

And there’s no monitoring or oversight in our state budget to keep track of such disposal, either.

So Nicole’s Stepmom got to keep her late husband’s remains and do whatever she felt like with them. In an interview, Stepmom gave to KSTP-TV(that aired on Thursday, May 2nd) she claimed she put some of these ashes in a bobber and gave it to Stepdaughter because her late husband “liked to fish.” Uh-huh. How many teaspoons of ash can fit into a bobber, anyway? Not a whole lot.

What can make a situation like this even more complicated, though, is the written agreements that so many crematoriums now have with certain survivors of the deceased. Did you know that surviving “loved ones” can legally prohibit crematoriums from disclosing any information whatsoever about the dearly departed? Or the cremation? And did you know if anyone employed at said crematorium violates this agreement, the “loved ones” can sue for breach of contract— for violating the privacy agreement?

Probably not.

Such detailed information usually gets ignored — unless someone close to you actually dies and gets cremated. When that happens, unfortunately, you can be so consumed with shock and grief that you can’t readily process any contract stipulations made with the crematorium.

So it’s highly possible that Senator Mitchell herself didn’t realize such legal headaches existed until her own father died over a year ago. Yeah, she should have known. Yeah, she should have reacted more nobly to his death afterwards. With such laws in place, however, it’s also easy for other survivors, like Executors of the Estate and sole heirs, to react badly in atypical, even cruel, ways.

Under Minnesota Law, Stepmom did have that legal right…and that, in itself, is NOT RIGHT. Dealing with painful loss and the accompanying grief is hard enough. But survivors shouldn’t have to suffer even more when cremation laws can get so easily weaponized by other dysfunctional family members.

As my grandma used to say. “Some people think that old people are mean and nasty, but being old doesn’t make you that way. Mean and nasty old people were that way when they were younger. Now they’re old, and they’re still mean and nasty.”

So let’s get over this ageist stereotype that says all elderly women are sweet little old ladies who are fountains of kindness. They’re individuals, just like young women and middle-aged women. They can be selfish, stubborn, and ornery at any age.

Existing laws might not compel you to remain in contact with your late husband’s daughter and give her the information she wanted. But just because statutes enable you to be a crabby, uncooperative old turd doesn’t mean you have to act like one. Sure, you’re suffering from dementia so everyone should cut you some slack here. And yet, as the sole heir(and possibly the Executor of the Estate?) you do have some moral and ethical obligation to be in contact at times with surviving family members. Like Nicole. If you can’t physically or emotionally do that, then you should appoint a representative — or an attorney — to do so. Maybe Stepmom didn’t get the memo…

Still not convinced that this scenario here could become that emotionally and unexpectedly devastating, dear readers? Well, people who are healthy and highly functional do have a hard time understanding this kind of dysfunctional family script. So let me illustrate just how bad it can get by sharing this story about 3 sisters.

Like the tale of “Fargo,” it’s a true story. It really happened. Only the names in this story have been changed to protect the 2 nasty sisters and the other, oldest heartbroken one who still does not know where her father’s remains are.

In this family, the oldest daughter — Sis — had never been the father’s favorite one. The younger, cuter ones — B and C — got that honor. But when the mother who’d acted as referee/peacemaker died, things changed drastically. Suddenly, cuties B&C began falsely accusing Sis of breaking into the house and stealing things — even when she had a key! They not only talked the father into changing the locks on the doors, they continued making false accusations.

They told him that Sis was robbing them of treasured photos and precious keepsakes, and insisted she had badly upset a terminally ill uncle. Then they criticized her for not spending any time with her father.

Needless to say, when she did talk to her father and try to spend time with him, he was rude and uncommunicative. He wanted nothing to do with Sis because he believed all the lies about her. So, for years, he ceased all contact with her.

Then he died.

Now usually, when someone in the family dies, there’s some kind of obituary notice in the newspaper or online information. Or else, some personal phone calls are made. Not this time.

So oldest daughter had no clue that her father had died!

Then one day she received a letter inquiring about his death(?!?!) — more than 2 years after he’d actually died!

She immediately phoned her sister B about it — and never got a response, never got a callback. Because her parents had informed her that they’d decided to be cremated, and her mother already had been cremated years earlier, she phoned The Crematorium.

She’d only wanted to find out where his ashes had been interred so she could pay her respects.

But according to The Crematorium, THAT INFORMATION WAS CONFIDENTIAL! even though she had been his eldest daughter and one of the immediate family members.

In fact, the woman who’d answered the phone treated her like a lying schemer!

“He only has two daughters,” she snapped, then gave out the names of younger favorites B&C. When Sis explained that she only wanted to know where the burial site was, the woman scolded her with “Talk to your sister!” — as if Sis had been the prodigal daughter who had deserted her father!

That was how Oldest Sister discovered that Younger Sisters could guarantee family estrangement by using a valid contract with the crematorium. It wouldn’t have mattered if Sis had shown this crematorium valid documents that proved she was indeed the oldest child of the deceased, either. What really mattered was that her younger sisters had legally excluded her — and everyone else — from getting any information about their father’s death and cremation.

After further investigation, however, Sis came across a line in the agreement that gave her hope. She found that the Crematorium agreed not to divulge any information about the deceased unless both parties gave their consent to the interested party.

So she contacted The Crematorium again. This time, she acknowledged their terms and instructions. “I understand you can’t give me any information about where his ashes were interred unless I get permission from these 2 daughters, she said. “So, okay, I respect that.”

Then she asked for the addresses and phone numbers that were listed so she could make the necessary contact and obtain permission.

The Crematorium’s response? “We can’t give out that information. That’s confidential.”

Talk about a Catch-22.

It’s one thing to be chopped off of your family tree, but quite another to have your own sisters weaponize your father’s death against you so that even The Cremation Society believes you’re The Bad Seed of the family.

Fortunately, Sis was able to find solace in her faith. Turns out B&C did nothing to help their father get The Last Anointing(A.K.A. Last Rites). Although they knew his religious beliefs were vitally important to him, they refused to notify the parish or anyone else about his death. Sis talked to her church’s director, then got some funeral masses said in her father’s honor — even though he’d never gotten (or would probably never get) any kind of funeral service… As long as one sister is still clinging to his urn and won’t tell anybody about it, he’ll be lucky to get a couple of Hail Marys every Father’s Day.

It’s a strange but true story, and Sis will probably never be able to wash away the hurt completely. But at least she could cling to her diehard faith and get some kind of outward support from others. Maybe Nicole Mitchell couldn’t get the kind of support she needed to overcome her pain and betrayal. That’s not to excuse her completely but to point out that she does not deserve to be falsely accused of “using controlled substances(i.e. drugs or alcohol)” on April 29th. Oopsie! Another silly “mistake” made by Becker County Attorney Brian McDonald. He later did apologize for his “error,” but only AFTER the initial damage on her character had been inflicted.

Needless to say, I can’t help but wonder if Mr. McDonald is more sympathetic to the Republican Party than he should have been in this case. It’s also puzzling why nearly all the Republicans serving in the State Senate and Legislature want to put sexual predator/crooked businessman Donald Trump back in the Oval Office but insist that Nicole Mitchell is unfit to serve as a State Senator. You can’t have it both ways. If she’s not good enough to be a public servant, then Trump certainly isn’t good enough to be on the ballot this November.( And I’m not saying that just because Nicole belongs to the DFL party and The Donald is a Republican.)

Of course, if a close member of my family broke into my house and tried to remove any belongings, I’d be angry and disgusted. But I wouldn’t want anyone in my family to have a criminal record. I’d request that the authorities drop all charges. And if they wouldn’t, I’d go to court and testify on my relative’s behalf.

That’s what should happen to Nicole, too, especially since no one was assaulted or killed. Any way you slice it, it’s still a family matter and should be handled in a personal way, without the courts or government getting involved. Remember, Senator Mitchell didn’t rob a bank, she didn’t break into the Smithsonian and carry away priceless artifacts. Not even Catwoman would have taken part in this kind of breaking and entering for an old flannel shirt — even if it had belonged to Batman.