My Child Just Stopped Speaking: What Is Selective Mutism?

Editor's note: The following is New Jersey Patch Editor Anthony Bellano's column. It is reflective of his opinion alone. To contact the reporter, email anthony.bellano@patch.com.

I will never forget June 9, 2021. It was the last day, for now, that I heard my daughter speak above a whisper. This talkative, funny, and often very loud child just stopped.

She was upset, and I knew she was getting ready to shut down. Then she did. I could tell because it was the second time in as many months it had happened.

The first time, her silence lasted a day. As I sit here and write this, it is Oct. 6, nearly four months to the day since she last spoke. October is Selective Mutism Awareness Month and in the spirit of raising awareness, I wanted to share our journey.

It wasn't long before my wife and I learned that our daughter has what is known as “selective mutism,” or SM. For those who don’t know, SM is a “severe anxiety disorder where a person is unable to speak in certain social situations.”

This includes in school and daycare, where her classmates and teachers have never heard the sound of her voice. She’s been in daycare since she was very young, but we thought nothing of it.

We thought she was shy; it’s what most people who come into contact with SM think. It’s not just that, though.

The percent of Americans who have SM is unknown because they either go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed, according to the National Organization of Rare Diseases. From all appearances, less than 1 percent of children have SM, and girls appear to have it at a slightly higher rate.

At first, we tried to get her to speak, but the more she didn’t speak, the more upset we got. My wife even taught her sign language just so she could communicate with her.

We thought about what we might have done wrong. We worried. Will she ever speak again? We even wondered if she was playing a game where she tried to go as long as she could without speaking.

We still don’t have the answers to these questions or what may have triggered her.

But we do have support.

We found the Parents of Children With Selective Mutism Facebook group, which helped us through what could have been many sleepless nights.

Our daughter's daycare has been helpful, concerned and active in helping her. Even her youth soccer coach, who has a background in childhood anxiety, has known how to handle the situation.

We are fortunate enough to find one of the few child psychologists in New Jersey that specializes in SM. It's fascinating to watch the therapist interact with our daughter because it appears that she and her therapist are just playing, but it is much more than that. While these sessions may go over our heads, the message is being received by our daughter and not only does she love going to therapy, there have been results.

Now, she screams (joyfully).

Now, she sings/yells noises as loud as she can.

Now, she whispers in complete sentences.

Now, she can tell us how she feels when she is nervous or afraid.

Now, she whispers in school for the first time ever.

And now, every once in a while, she will even let out some spontaneous speech at a normal volume. We learned early on not to make a big deal when we hear her say something out loud, as SM kids become embarrassed when they realize someone has heard them speak.

There's still a long way to go, but at least now we feel each day like we are getting closer to having our funny, talkative and very often loud member of our family back.

How Do I Know If Someone I Know Has SM

I tell you this story because you might be dealing with the same thing, and you should know you are not alone. Or maybe you’re just now realizing you might know someone who has SM.

According to selectivemutism.org:

If you know a child who displays the following behaviors, you may know a child with SM:

• Speaks freely at home and with family but is nonverbal due to anxiety in public settings or around strangers
• Is paralyzed with fear or shuts down completely when unable to communicate

Those with SM may also:

• Struggle to make eye contact when uncomfortable
• Present as behaviorally inhibited
• Rely on pointing, nodding, writing, and other forms of nonverbal communication to answer questions
• Speak through a trusted individual—e.g., whispering an answer to a question to a parent or friend at school

“Selective mutism often co-occurs with other forms of anxiety, particularly social anxiety,” according to the website. “A child is diagnosed with SM when the pattern of being unable to speak is persistent over time and causes significant impairment in daily functioning. An SM diagnosis is likely if it is difficult for a child to effectively participate in school or form friendships with other students their age due to an inability to speak in public.”

For more about SM, including what you can do and where to find help, visit selectivemutism.org.