Zitomer: Kindness is the Only Way to Leave Our Mark

Congratulations, Class of 2011. We’ve done it. We’ve cracked the codes, beaten the system, navigated a world where we were told to run on a treadmill for thirty minutes after school if we missed an archery class (clearly a fair tradeoff in terms of physical exertion), a world where Q building toilets seemed to spontaneously combust around us, a world where we were never entirely sure if our school mascot was an unintimidating statesman or a politically incorrect Indian.

But we have climbed our way to the top of this world; let’s look around, and enjoy the scenery. And prepare to climb again; this is but the beginning of what will surely be a long yet extraordinary trek for us all.

But let’s not be foolish; let’s not begin this trek on our own. It’s sometimes difficult at times like these, when our teachers, friends, and relatives are all celebrating our tremendous accomplishments and seemingly infinite potential, for us to fall back into reality, for us to realize that, despite all of the promise we hold as individuals, we can’t handle life’s challenges by ourselves, without support from our friends and loved ones.

And we can’t rely solely on what we’ve learned in the classroom to seek out that support either; it takes a little something more. It takes not only academic, but also emotional intelligence to read the roadmap of life, because chances are, there are pieces scrambled and distorted that only those who know us well can decode.
But how do we seek out these decoders, those who we might even venture to call friends?

Ahh, well it seems we’ve stumbled upon the million dollar question, haven’t we? And the answer is surprisingly simple- through bribery or shameless blackmail, of course! (Hey, it’s worked for me.)

But seriously, aren’t we all guilty of this to some degree? After all, who here can honestly say that, when they were younger, they never asked a favor of someone else, in exchange for the opportunity to “be his/her best friend?” (…When it was really a win-win deal in the first place—I mean, a favor and a best friend?) I can just think back to fourth grade, when I was still a guinea pig in the emotional rollercoaster of a social experiment we call elementary school; every day at recess, a close friend and I would set up an ‘ice cream stand’ on the playground (and by the way, what outstanding ice cream it was—we had 30 flavors, and we planned to expand into a global franchise, but as soon as we added a 31st flavor, these two guys named Baskin and Robbins bought us out, and the rest was history). I digress.

Anyway, we had an ‘ice cream stand’ where we’d mix up only the finest woodchips and dir- I’m sorry, ice cream- to be sold to our juvenile clientele. Unfortunately, however, many customers could only afford to pay us in lint, or imaginary money (as if we didn’t notice), leading to many consolatory offers of ‘I’ll be your best friend forever’ when we were visibly dismayed at our dwindling revenues. But I’ll tell you, what a list of best friends I racked up!

However, for those of us for whom bribery and blackmail don’t cut it, try making a genuine attempt to get in touch with others on a deeper level—I find that kindness is usually a surprisingly effective approach in that regard, one that even fourth graders know rather well. Especially at this point in our lives, we spend a great deal of time worrying about how the world perceives us, trying to become smarter, to develop a talent, to begin working toward a nice car, a big house, to make our physical selves more attractive.

And these aren’t necessarily superficial goals in life. After all, we can try to impress those around us with intelligence, talents, wealth, or beauty, but at the end of the day, kindness is the only way to leave our mark on another person, because it is the one feature we need not develop, but only find within ourselves. And the process of finding it is the process of developing genuine relationships with the ones we love and care about. When I think about the friends who matter most to me today, I realize that I didn’t become their friend by being smart, but by being kind, not by sharing my brain, but rather my soul.

In recent years, I’ve been privileged to be part of John Jay’s Peer Group Leadership course, which includes programs designed for both incoming freshmen and upperclassman student leaders. One of the culminating programs for the leaders in Peer Group is known as ‘Straight Talk,’ where a group of roughly ten to fourteen upperclassmen and one faculty advisor, who have worked together for the duration of the school year, go around and heave copious amounts of love and positive energy at each other as they tell every person in the group something they love or appreciate about him/her.

It was in Straight Talk last year that I discovered an exercise in genuine kindness, and an immense appreciation for the wise minds and gentle hearts of those other leaders. They would reveal to me positive aspects about myself I had never even recognized, and I reciprocated with equal compassion. One year later, when half of that group has already graduated, and the second half sits on this stage today ready to follow suit, we’re all still planning a reunion, because the aftermath of that humanity has not worn off.

See what I mean when I say kindness leaves a mark? It doesn’t even have to be a physical act of benevolence or goodwill; oftentimes, recognizing kindheartedness in others is just as good as being kind ourselves. And in this extraordinary trek of life, we’ll likely find that carrying someone on our backs only makes us stronger. 

'But is this really practical?’ you’re probably asking yourself. After all, it’s easy to talk about kindness and get wrapped up in coulds and shoulds without once considering the obvious realities of human nature. We’ve been taught to not only value competition, but to thrive on it, which has instilled in us a now-deeply-ingrained desire to beat out others and expose their flaws. Must we suddenly abandon those behaviors? And what about precious revenge? Is that off-limits to us from now on as well? What if someone or something threatens us? Are we no longer allowed to respond?

We are taught from a young age that the only ways to deal with threats are fight and flight, and nothing more. But what if we dare to ruin the rhyme and abandon the alliteration and put peacemaking on the list as well? Indulge me for a minute as I recount an arguably sappy moment from my high school years.

It was the end of my sophomore year, and I was days away from a four-week summer trip to Israel, where I would join several of my friends in trekking across deserts, touring ruins, and exploring Israeli culture. As excited as I was, due to severe instability in the Middle East, my parents were, shall we say, unenthused about the idea. And by unenthused, I mean almost violently worried for my safety, which inevitably raised the tension levels in my house a good deal.

One day, the tension broke during a car ride, and my mother and I erupted into a verbal Battle Royale, arguing about topics beyond my nearing Israel trip and touching rather on what each of us saw as the glaring problems with the other’s character. We had just pulled over to a gas station, and were on the verge of an utter meltdown, when in a moment of sudden desperation, I screamed out, “I love you.” Just as I intended, my unexpected bout of vulnerability completely disabled my mother’s madness. An awkward pause followed. After sixty seconds of silence, my mother muttered, “I love you too,” and, without another word, pulled back onto the road. In that moment, I learned that it is during the most toxic times of our lives that genuine kindness is at its most potent.

So what do we make of all of this? Just be nice, that’s it? I should offer a caveat—I’m not asking you all to go out and hug that policemen who caught you speeding on the highway, that barber that gave you a bad haircut, or that kid who stole your bike when you were five. But let’s just try a little harder to use compassion, especially when our friends and loved ones least expect it.

Because if we really put in the effort, we’ll find that that effort is all it takes to seek out those decoders, those friends, those who will love us later on in life. So Class of 2011, as we go out into the world and accomplish extraordinary feats with the gifts we’ve been given, I urge us all—let’s continue to develop our intellect, continue to develop our spirit, but above all, continue to develop our ability to lend ourselves to someone else. And in the process, we just might change a life. So let’s go home today, and thank our families, our friends—let them know how much we love and appreciate them, because we certainly didn’t get to where we are now without their support.

And of course, congratulations once again, Class of 2011, we did it. It’s time to show this world what we can do.