Tips On Parenting A Strong-Willed Child

My mother always told me how her first-born child was so easy. But when I came along, life changed. I cried all day, challenged her, refused to sleep and constantly needed attention. (Maybe some things never change!) It’s no surprise I have created a strong-willed child, too. And even though he’s terrific, charismatic and adorable, he knows exactly what he wants and doesn’t let up easily.

Other kids I meet are a lot more flexible. They sit at restaurants, wash their hair without a whimper and even brush their teeth like it’s no big deal. But not our wonderfully, strong-willed son. The hippie mom in me loves that he’s such a leader in his own way and has his own ideas about life — but the other part of me just gets tired.

And I'm not the only parent dealing with this. I had lunch with a mom today who has a 4-year-old daughter who is also very particular and strong-willed. She needs to have every piece of food positioned a certain way and gets upset when she colors out of the lines. She also throws a fit when her mom needs to do things such as go to the grocery store.

Mom Angela admits her strong-willed girl makes it hard to stand her ground, so she lets up on a lot of demands. She says, "I just do my best not to start my daughter’s fire, so I suppose I do give her more freedom. If I lay down too many rules, she only wants to break them."

Related Parenting Books:

• "The New Strong-Willed Child" by James C. Dobson
• "Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert J. Mackenzie
• "Parenting Your Powerful Child" by Dr. Kevin Leman

I felt a little better when I recently met with a friend and her 12-year-old daughter. My friend mentioned how she was so overwhelmed when her daughter was younger because the two of them constantly had power struggles and were always fighting. It was nice to see that her daughter had grown up into an awesome little lady. So maybe all strong-willed kids turn out amazing, too?

A lot of old-school parents believe that strong-willed kids just need more discipline to get in line, but that hasn’t worked for me. In my case, the more freedom and choices I give my boy, the more of a chance he will listen to reason. We negotiate the terms and, eventually, something gives. But through it all, I do my best to stay patient and never get angry — which is not always easy.

I checked in with some other moms and experts for advice on handling my sometimes-stubborn 4-year-old. Here's what they had to say:

Cooperate: When Mom Melissa went to graduate school for childhood education, she learned a thing called “cooperative dominance,” where you present things in such a way that shows (or at least gives the illusion of) cooperation. "Use words like 'we,' while also acting as the leader and essentially telling everyone else what to do. For example, 'We're going to brush our teeth!'" Then again, she also admits that might not always work with a toddler.

Explain: Mom Judy spent a lot of her daughter's childhood discussing why she “had” to do some things. At age 22, her daughter is still strong-willed, but Judy assures me she is much more logical as an adult, so it is easier.

Get Playful: One mom mentioned a technique called the "vigorous snuggle" where you get playful using humor and physical play to get your children to do what you want or stop their bad behavior rather than scolding them. It sounds crazy, but this is a real method that works for some parents.

Stick to a Routine: Mom Amy's strong-willed child thrived with a real routine. Once she offered less freedom to act certain ways, Amy's daughter would always know what was happening next and nothing would throw her off, thanks to that structure. But every every child is different when it comes to structure versus freedom.

Commiserate and Connect: Mom Emily says that the best tool she found is to sympathize/empathize with what they want no matter how irrational, instead of pushing back. "If my daughter whines and complains that she just wants to stay in bed all morning, I will say, 'I know, right? I totally felt the same way when I got up this morning. I wish we could just lie in bed all day. You know what, though? If we get up now, we'll have plenty of time to get ready without having to rush around.' It really defuses the tension around these things, and it allows them to feel whatever they feel without judgment."

Mirror and Mimic: It might sound silly, but mimicking your child might provide insight into their own behaviors. Mom Deborah uses this technique with her strong-willed 3-year-old. "I will ask her if she wants me to show her how she sounds and looks to me. Usually, she'll say 'yes' and I'll mimic her. That way, I don't raise my voice inappropriately, and mirroring seems to help with understanding. After I mimic her, I ask her if she thinks the action was 'nice' or 'not nice.' I'm hoping this will continue to be successful and not create undue frustration for either of us."

When it comes to strong-willed or stubborn children, all we can do is stay patient and do the best we can to respect their needs and our own. Last night, I spent an hour coaxing my child into letting me wash his hair, and this morning I took him to school in 30-degree weather in a tank top and one shoe.

Life is not always easy with our amazing little people — but it sure isn't boring!

Other Parenting News:

• Do Elementary Schools Incorporate Enough Playtime Into The Day?
• Routine Versus No Routine: What's Better For Your Children?
• Your Kids Aren't Manipulating You — They're Trying To Communicate