Festivus Celebration In Roxborough Canceled

ROXBOROUGH, PHILADELPHIA — Roxborough residents will have to air their grievances and show their feats of strength in a new location, as the Roxborough Development Corporation has unfortunately canceled the inaugural Festivus Extravaganza.

The event was set to be held for 76 minutes exactly, from 5:13 p.m. to 6:26 p.m., Friday in Gorgas Park.

However, heavy winds that blew into the region after a morning of driving rain led organizers to cancel the event.

While Friday's fun has been nixed, the promised Roxborough Festivus poem has been shared for all to enjoy.

Read the poem below:

A Roxborough Festivus Poem
Taken from Roxborough Rants and Raves

It’s Festivus time on the Ridge once again,
Where neighbors log in with their keyboard pens.
From Osborne to Monastery to Domino Lane they rave and they rant,
About trash pickup, traffic, and dogs that still can’t.

Someone’s mad at the Wawa truck — it’s blocking the lane,
Another blames potholes for all of their pain.
“Who took my parking spot?!” — the thread hits three hundred,
And someone asks, “What’s with all these condos?” — undaunted.

The buildings keep rising — “too tall” and “too gray,”
While everyone’s yelling, “Where’s the parking?!” every single day.
A daytime raccoon sighting sparks neighborhood fear,
While someone just wants to know the best place to get beer.

And then came the rats, doing laps down the block,
Popping from the dumpsters like they’re punching a clock.
The Gorgas treestand’s glowing, selling pine by the spike —
While someone’s again posting, “HEY, is THIS your bike?”

“Is Bells Mills Road open?!” — the question returns,
As the old post office’s absence still burns.
We mourn lost stamps and long checkout lines,
Yet dream of a new grocery that finally shines.

“Is this your cute cat?” — it’s posted again,
While traffic on Ridge has come to no end.
“Is Barry’s open?” “Can’t get through the store!”
“What happened to Michael’s and Family Dollar — are they gone for sure?”

The newbies love coffee, the old-timers sigh,
“The Ridge ain’t the same, and I’ll tell you why!”
Yet when the community gathers, answering the call for volunteers —
All show up because Roxborough love grows every year.

So raise your pole high, no tinsel allowed,
To the quirkiest, rantiest, Roxborough crowd.
We gripe, we defend, and we all take our turns —
But under the streetlights, our Philly heart burns.

Go Birds!