2021’s Best And Worst Cities For Vampires; Seriously, Give Blood

ACROSS AMERICA — First, a disclaimer: The whole idea of vampires skulking around U.S. cities just waiting to suck out your blood after night falls is a Halloween fantasy.

Whether your city ranks as a haven for vampires or a hellhole, don’t take it too seriously; it's a nonscientific assessment of the best places for not-scientifically-proven vampires.

Take it up with Lawn Love, makers of an app to help people find lawn care services. So what do landscapers know about vampires? Nothing, really. There’s nothing to know because vampires aren’t real.

But nationwide blood shortages are real, and that’s reason enough for, well, the fang-in-cheek ranking of 200 cities where vampires might want to park their hearses. Before we get to the silliness of the season, take some time out to give blood. Donor activity plummeted as the coronavirus delta variant surged, according to the American Red Cross. Find a blood drive or blood center here.

In other respects, take the ranking with a grain of the same salt you might sprinkle around a vampire’s crypt to keep the thing dead. But enough throwing holy water on vampire fantasies.

Believe what you believe. And if you believe the findings in the 2021’s Best and Worst Cities for Vampires, the undead suck (blood) most in Naperville, Illinois, and least in Tempe, Arizona. Here are the top 10 cities where these bloodthirsty creatures of folklore might feel right at home:

1. Naperville, Illinois
2. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
3. Chicago, Illinois
4. Omaha, Nebraska
5. Tacoma, Washington
6. St. Paul, Minnesota
7. Aurora, Illinois
8. Columbus, Ohio
9. Bellevue, Washington
10. Paterson, New Jersey

Conversely, here are the bottom 10, all in the desert Southwest:

191. Santa Clarita, California
192. Huntington Beach, California
193. Paradise, Nevada
194. Spring Valley, Nevada
195. Henderson, Nevada
196. Glendale, Arizona
197. Tucson, Arizona
198. Enterprise, Nevada
199. Sunrise Manor, Nevada
200. Tempe, Arizona

The rankings are based on the number of blood centers, the average amount of yearly sunlight, the number of homes with basements and — wait for it, because this is as clichéd as it gets — the number of garlic festivals. Each category was weighted, and the lower the score, the greater the suitability for vampires. » Read more about the methodology.

One reason Naperville and Pittsburgh scored so high is they are the No. 1 and No. 2 cities in the country for blood centers. That’s an accomplishment worthy of celebration on a town welcome sign. But putting No. 1 Houston and No. 2 Chicago on a billboard and proclaiming them the top casket-supplying cities? Bury that slogan.

In the other categories considered in the ranking, Grand Rapids, Michigan, and Overland Park, Kansas, respectively, topped the ranking for the most basements, and Pittsburgh and Anchorage have the lowest amounts of yearly sunshine, something the not-real vampires would love if they were real — which, again, they’re not.

And if they were real, they’d stay far away from the California cities of Pomona, Fresno and Sacramento and the Arizona cities of Tempe and Tucson, locked in a five-way tie for the most garlic festivals.

But they could prowl with some confidence around Pittsburgh; Anchorage; Seattle; Tacoma, Washington, and Columbus, Ohio, cities that tied for the city with the fewest garlic festivals.

We end as we began, with a disclaimer. None of this vampire business is real. But the blood shortage is.

“Throughout the pandemic, we have experienced challenges collecting blood for patients from blood drive cancellations to surging hospital demand,” Red Cross Biomedical Services president Chris Hrouda said in a news release. “Now with decreased blood donor turnout, our Red Cross blood supply has dropped to the lowest it has been at this time of year since 2015.”