The Art of Mindfully Healing Your Relationships After the Election

By Dr. Michael Oberschneider

Mindfulness is the concept of being 100 percent present in the moment while accepting all aspects of what that moment is or what it brings – without criticism, blame or judgement. But with this presidential year being so contentious, and with such heated vitriol between the two major candidates, many have become negative about politics.

Conservatives and liberals have fought horribly this year with one another, and a lot of personal and professional relationships have been strained and even ruined over support for Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

In a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, approximately one-fifth of folks have blocked, hid or even unfriended someone due to disagreement in their political positions. And a Monmouth University Poll found that 7 percent of respondents reported that they’ve even ended friendships over this presidential election.

The Pew survey also found that about 31 percent of Trump supporters said that they didn’t have a single friend supporting Clinton compared to 47 percent of Clinton supporters who said that they have no close friends supporting Trump. Moreover, the Pew Survey revealed that the division and discord between conservatives and liberals increases exponentially when race and age is considered.

In just one day, our country will elect its next president. It’s either going to be Trump or Clinton. But will all of the disagreeing and fighting between conservatives and liberals stop on November 8? Unfortunately, not. But that also doesn’t mean that you need to remain upset with or estranged from the important others in your life simply because of who gets elected.

As a psychologist who has spent the last several months assisting clients with their upset regarding either Trump or Clinton, I’ve put together a list of DO’s and DONT’s in hopes of helping folks to heal their damaged relationships and fall out.

DO…

…prepare. For any kind of change, preparation is essential, so why not start by making a conscious decision to adopt a more mindful attitude and sense of purpose in your relationships when it comes to politics. As the old adage goes, “one’s perception is one’s reality,” and being open to seeing all sides of an issue or topic first takes preparation.

…breathe. Take a few deep breathes to begin to deal with the stress, anxiety and negative thoughts and feelings that have overcome you this presidential election year. Mindful breathing will help you calm yourself down when you become upset about how you think someone you know is wrong about Trump or Clinton. So, the next time someone offends you by saying something in favor or against your candidate or political position, take some deep breaths. Even the most important people in your life are going to let you down or disappoint you from time to time, so breathe, breathe, breathe.

…understand. Is it more important to be right about how good or bad you think Trump or Clinton are than it is to be friends with someone you once cared about? You very likely didn’t “Friend” – on-line or off-line – someone you cared about because of their voting practices, so why “Unfriend” them now simply because you don’t agree with them politically?

Instead, try to appreciate that the psychology of someone’s vote is determined by several factors: our upbringing, our gender, our age, our incomes and our race, etc.

Even our neurology seems to play a part in how we vote. Similarities across several well-conducted research studies have found that conservatism is correlated with increased volume in the amygdala -- the region of the brain that is associated with emotions including fear, pity, anger and aggression, in processing information involving subjects or events. Liberalism, on the other hand, is correlated with greater activity in the anterior cingulate cortex -- the area of the brain that deals with conflict monitoring, error detection and weighing out competing parts of a problem toward a solution.

So, when it comes to red states or blue states, our gray matter may matter more than we once believed.

While the extent to which your vote (or changing the way you vote) is in your control or not remains unclear, appreciating differences of opinion is usually a good thing. That, of course, doesn’t mean that you need to change your beliefs or views (e.g., on abortion or immigration), it just means that you don’t need to get so emotionally wrapped up in trying to change someone else’s.

…accept. Gaining insight and self-awareness around problems allows you to make the important changes you might want to make in your life, including being more accepting of your friends when it comes to politics. When you’re debating political views with others you’re likely feeling frustrated, angry and upset – all negative emotions, which is not good for your health and wellbeing. Getting yourself to a place where you can accept differences will lead you to experiencing more positive thoughts and feelings and you will be a much more agreeable person to be around.

…let go. Deciding to let go of something very upsetting usually takes patience and time, but after working on understanding and acceptance, it will be your next step.

DON’T…

…rub it in. Nobody likes a know-it-all, and self-righteousness and hubris are not attractive qualities for
anyone to possess. So, reminding others that you are right about Trump or Clinton will only upset others.

…keep fighting. There’s also little to no value in continuing to debate, argue or fight over Trump or Clinton. Fighting will only cause you more conflict in your relationships and more negative emotions. The election is almost over, and again, either Trump or Clinton will be our next president. We will all need to figure out a way to get along after things are decided.

…call people names. Bucket of deplorables. Crooked Hillary. Narcissist. Racist. Mentally Ill. Bipolar. White Trash. Sociopath. Red necks. Criminal. Sexist. Any disagreements that you have with others that include these terms, or other negative ones, aren’t going to lead to a positive outcome.

…overdose on news. Given that this is an election year, the media coverage has been non-stop. It seems that Fox News and CNN, for example, report something controversial and attention grabbing about Trump or Clinton every 20 minutes, and we’ve all been conditioned to check-in way too frequently. While you may be interested to know what Trump or Clinton said or did, being so personally involved in these stories, can lead to increased stress and emotional upset.

…take the bait. The next time someone says something disparaging about your candidate or political party, reacting emotionally may seem like the right thing to do,
but defense on defense will just escalate things. Instead of reacting to an insult or attack such as “Trump’s a narcissist” or “Clinton’s a criminal” in a conversation, simply be aware of how you’re feeling emotionally and physically. By giving yourself enough time to process what you are feeling, you will be in a better position to respond appropriately (if you even choose to).

…beat up on yourself for taking the bait. Practicing mindfulness requires effort and patience, and because you are human, you won’t always get it right. So, the next time you react strongly to someone for challenging your political position, don’t spend too much time punishing yourself. Instead, allow yourself to become aware of what happened and why and then forgive yourself for the transgression.

While mindfulness as a practice will likely help you with many of your Trump or Clinton woes, it’s not a panacea. Maybe you’ve ended relationships over Hillary Clinton Donald Trump this year for the right reasons, and maybe repairing a relationship with someone you no longer respect isn’t a good thing. Only you can decide on that.

After tomorrow, a lot of people will be happy and a lot of people will be unhappy, and the political disharmony conservatives and liberals have come to experience this past year likely won’t go away any time soon. But remember, how you manage yourself -- internally and in relation to others –is in your control.

Vote, take deep breathes and…Namaste.

Michael Oberschneider, Psy.D, is the Founder and Director of Ashburn Psychological and Psychiatric Services.