Ask Dr. Mike: Addiction in the Family, My My Miley and Tummy Tucks

Dealing with Family and Addiction

Dr. Mike,

My brother has recently found God through AA. Everyone in the family is glad that he is finally sober after many years of watching him destroy his life (and his wife and children’s lives) with alcohol. His newfound religion and recovery program, however, is driving us all crazy. It seems he is now addicted to God and AA just like he was addicted to alcohol, and he’s constantly trying to convert us to his ways and corrects us on what he calls our “moral shortcomings.” Even our children have expressed concerning regarding their uncle’s drastic changes. Every other statement is an AA slogan like, “one day at a time” or “it works if you work it” or “easy does it” or “turn it over.” Any thoughts on how to be a good big sister without going insane?

J from Loudoun County

J,

I think you should have more understanding and should exercise more patience with your brother. Based on what you’ve written, your brother has recently embarked on a journey of absolute sobriety, which is a very difficult undertaking. He will require a significant amount of support, which is why, I imagine, God and AA have become so important to him. The dogma and any piousness your brother is directing at you, is very likely really for him more than for you as he is in the process of redefining his sober identity. He’s practicing sober ideas and sober ways.

I think you should speak to your children (age appropriately) on the changes they have noticed in their uncle. They should view their uncle’s changes as being a positive aspect of his personal growth. You, and your other family members, may also want to consider attending a few Al-Anon meetings, which is a group/organization that specifically supports loved ones of recovering alcoholics. I think you would find those meetings helpful in understanding your brother’s changes better. I also recommend two very good books on this topic, “The Family Recovery Guide: A Map for Healthy Growth” and “Loved One in Treatment Now What!”

Remember, while you may find your brother’s changes to be off-putting in different ways, he (and all involved in his life) is much better off a sober man in transition than an alcoholic who was destroying his life.

The Pop Star Influence on Our Kids

Dr. Mike,

What do you think about the Miley Cyrus controversy regarding her lyrics on drug use and sex in her new song, “We Can’t Stop?” My husband and I are offended. Our oldest daughter grew up with the then adorable Miley Cyrus, but she is now a long way from her likable Disney persona. How do I talk openly to my youngest daughter, who is now 13, about MDMA or cocaine or sex when she listens to this song or when she reveres Miley Cyrus because her older sister did?

B from Loudoun County

B,

There certainly is quite a bit of controversy over Miley Cyrus’s lyrics for her song, “We Can’t Stop.” It appears that she is referring to MDMA when she sings, “Dancing with Molly” and cocaine when she sings, “Everyone in line in the bathroom/trying to get a line in the bathroom.” She also sings, “Shaking it like we in a strip club” in the song.

In response to all of the criticism, Cyrus has denied singing about illicit drugs in the song and has argued that she sings, “Dancing with Miley” to explain the misinterpretation of “Molly.”

So what do I think about the controversy? Not much. Child stars and celebrities grow up, and sometimes they do stupid things in the process. I understand that a video of Justin Bieber recently surfaced in which he is seen urinating in a mop bucket at a NYC restaurant while spraying a hung picture of former President Bill Clinton with a can of cleaning supplies. Bieber is also supposedly overheard stating expletives about Bill Clinton during the video.

Cyrus is 20 and Bieber is 19. Teenagers and young adults don’t always exercise the best judgment, and I imagine the desire to do stupid things or to act-out recklessly increases exponentially when you are not only young but also very rich and famous. 

Whether Cyrus is singing about drugs or not, your concerns for your daughter are valid. At 13, your daughter likely has some knowledge of illicit drugs and how drug use, drinking and even smoking can be attractive taboo behaviors. At 13, your daughter may have even had some exposure to drugs, alcohol or cigarettes within her social network. Thus, I see the song as an excellent parenting opportunity for you to share your beliefs and views with your daughter who is at an impressionable age. You may also want to ask your older daughter to responsibly address the topic with her younger sister since the two of them are fans of Miley Cyrus. You can’t protect your daughter from the negative influences of the media or what she learns through her friendships and life in general as a young teenager, but you can clarify and educate her on the unavoidable nonsense that she will be exposed to at times.

High School Reunion – Should I Get a Tummy Tuck?

Dr. Mike,

I have had four kids (including one C- Section) and have a very bad postpartum belly to show for it. I’ve tried several diets and have done more sit-ups and crunches than your average pro athlete and nothing has changed. As I approach my 20-year high school reunion, I am feeling very fragile about my appearance and how others will see me. I’ve even considered getting a tummy tuck, but my husband thinks that I am being ridiculous and tells me that he loves me just the way I am. Why can’t I stand this kangaroo pouch around my waist and how do I start liking myself again?

F from Loudoun County

F, 

You have two options in my opinion. The first is to accept that you are not perfect! You’ve given birth to four children, and you seem to be holding yourself to a standard that is unattainable. You (nor are your classmates at your high school reunion) are going to have the same body you had when you were 17 – that’s just a fact of life. The second option, given that you’ve exhausted all diet and exercise options as you mentioned, is to have a tummy tuck. The procedure will improve your mid-section woes all at once, but it may not be the quick fix to your self-esteem issues that you are hoping for.

It seems that the catalyst for your negative feelings and body image struggles is your upcoming high school reunion. Keep in mind that your classmates have aged too, and while surgery is an option, it isn’t a good one for phase of life or self-esteem concerns. As you may know, surgery is expensive, takes recovery time and has associated health risks. In my opinion, your pride shouldn’t be tied to your waistline but rather your family and accomplishments. I know people who have felt tremendous satisfaction after surgery, but others who have found that after all that, their self-image hasn’t improved. Only you can weigh out the pros and cons for your situation.