MomsTalk: Worrying about Distant Parents

A woman in the “Sandwich Generation” may find that her roles as mother, daughter and wife pull her in three different directions at the same time. The term “Sandwich Generation” applies to us,  usually in middle age, who are struggling to care for elderly or ill parents while simultaneously caring for young children.

It is a life-stage that can deplete the financial and emotional resources of an entire family.  It can happen suddenly if an aging parent suffers an acute illness or injury , or it  can build over time as a parent gradually becomes more dependent on an adult child. We are there.

Anne Wydler, McLean resident, married with two daughters.

My father has always raced thru life - literally and figuratively.  I spent my childhood running as fast as I could to keep up with  my giant 6 foot tall dad.  So, when my own daughter was a toddler,  I would remind him to slow down and wait for her little legs to catch up.  But on a recent visit, I had to remind his gangly, long-legged (she's built just like him) granddaughter that she had to slow down to wait for him.  My dad has Rheumatoid arthritis and the debilitating disease has struck hard.  It's been heartbreaking to see as a daughter.

What I'm realizing more as my friends and I approach middle age is we're sometimes caught in the middle between  being good parents and good daughters.  A  good friend has a mom suffering from Alzheimer's.  I've watched her struggle to balance her job, time with kids, time with hubby and time with parents. Her time for herself is all but non-existent. 

It's also hard with distant parents - all four  of mine (two sets of divorced, happily re-married parents) live 400 miles away in my Tennessee hometown.  It's difficult to get  there on a scheduled visit - seven hours in the car doesn't appeal to anyone - but virtually impossible to get down there for an unscheduled visit. 

Between the kids' activities and schooling, my own involvements and my husband's busy, ever-changing Realtor schedule, I guiltily stay here to manage the home front when I really feel I should be with my ailing father.  The question always is: What is the benefit to my being there?  What is lost by my not going?  It's hard to make a joke about it, but I do feel sometimes like singing that old Clash favorite "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

When he was in the hospital last week and the girls were on spring break, the answer was easy: we should go.  The girls were amazing troopers, landing from a spring break trip to Florida  at 5pm  on Saturday. Then  back in the car, big smiles on their faces at 7am the next day.  It was a draining drive down but well worth the trip. 

We surprised my stubborn dad, who would have adamantly stated we shouldn't come.  I was happy to be able to give my wonderful step-mom a break from the hospital (even if she only used that break to clean her house) and a chance to just sit and talk to my dad like we used to do on our many road-trips and long hikes together.

But now I'm back in McLean, wondering how I would handle the next last minute call to go to Tennessee - what do I do with the girls?  How does my husband manage his job and a wifeless household?  We have a wonderful group of friends and family who could help, but it would be difficult for all of us.  

The hardest thing about it all:  I will never be running to catch up to my dad again.