I received the call all parents' dread!

It was the call that no parent ever wants to receive. My Mother n laws voice on the line said with an urgency and cracking nervousness in her voice. She said the words that I dreaded and never really could’ve imagined how her words would change our lives forever, “You have to GO NOW! Candice is in the Emergency room!” And just like that my life was changed forever. I wish that my horror story was a unique story. The reality is that many parents, across the country, are going through similar heartbreaks at an astonishing rate. In San Diego County has reported 1303 overdose deaths in this year so far and rising. Mothers are speaking out to educate society about addictive illness and to fight the stigma that our children were bad kids! Mothers are sparking conversations about sensible solutions. One mom has sparked a national exhibition through art, "Into the Light Project."

I still cannot express the emotions I felt on that afternoon, nor the rollercoaster I have been on since February 09th 2005. I had hope that she would live, a lot of confusion and sadness knowing that she may never call my name again, shock set in, fear that I may lose my sanity and dreading the reality that she was dying and leaving me. I was seven months pregnant, I sat by my oldest child’s side for seven days and nights as she fought for her life. As a parent there have been many sleepless nights of worry. Yet nothing this intensely real and with no fairytale ending.

As a mother I blamed myself for her choices and blamed myself for not keeping her safe. I felt as if I failed her and I just wanted her eyes to open again. My dear friend was supporting us that afternoon and we began singing, Uncle Crackers, “Oooo ooo child things are going to get easier.” I held her, never thinking it would be the last time that I would hold my baby girl, it was. At that moment, for the first time in my life, I heard a voice screaming inside my mind’s eye. As I held her, the five machines began to alarm! “NOO, Don’t GO! I lied Please stay NOOO Don’t go!” I did not know if I was screaming this out loud or this was all crammed inside myself. Like so many other mothers and fathers I wish for just one more chance to hold her. Since, I have turned my pain to helping others, becoming part of a solution that is raging out of control. I turned to speaking out and fighting stigma. I have been the San Diego Chapter Leader of Grief Recovery After A Substance Passing (GRASP) since 2010. I am on the 211 system and speak with those whose have lost someone to substance misuse. I am peer support, and we help each other.

Throughout the years, I have watched parents go through stages of grief in their own unique ways. There are some that seek a spiritual connection, some seek comfort in their religion, some hunt down drug dealers, some cry a lot, others being too drink, others turn to advocacy for change. Theresa Clower, Devin’s mothers’ grief, set in motion a National Exhibition,” Into The Light Project.” Educating others. processing her grief and loss through Art.

Which is how the “Into the Light Project” emerged. A grieving mom whose son passed away thought maybe she would draw her beautiful, son’s Devin’s, portrait. Soon another loved one saw and requested she draw their child as well. She realized that she wanted to change the conversations about substance use disorder, fight stigma and educate those who believed addictive illness whose belief was that ALL addicts were throw aways in our communities. Theresa Clower began drawing Portraits and now the Exhibition has become a national exhibition. Into The Light Project founder, Theresa Clower, took up portrait work as a way of working through her grief. Her son, Devin, died due to an accidental overdose of fentanyl. Theresa shared that she had not drawn anything since she had her son and just thought it maybe therapeutic, she was right. She is quoted saying,” After completing Devin’s portrait, she was inspired to find others who lived and died like her son and to show the extent of the drug epidemic through exhibits involving each State.” She aspired to draw their portraits, tell their stories, and start a dialogue around the disease.

Theresa partnered with communities, artist, educators, and those wanting to host exhibitions. Which is how her brave story of advocacy reached me and I summited a request to add Candice Nicole to the tour. After being screened by an amazing young lady doing her thesis on substance passing her master's in social work at the San Bernadino State College. She was caring and patient, curious and appropriate when she felt she needed her supervisor’s guidance. She interviewed me for about 2 hours. I was allowing her to hear my truth and about my life prior to recovery. I did hope that she saw Candice was more than a statistic. She was loved, missed. A young teenager full of dreams of being a nurse and playing softball in the Olympics. I wanted her to know that Candice loved her family and softball. That mental health issues played a huge part in my daughter’s impulsive choice.

On the tour you will hear of Candice’s mistake that ended her life and the amazing young person that she was. You will hear her story of how she ate several bags of methamphetamine while being arrested, with an older man who had picked her up in a stolen car. He asked her to hide his drugs. For fear of being in more trouble she swallowed his drugs. The bags burst in her stomach at the Los Colinas Detention facility. The nurse had seen her coming into custody and by the time they began to print her. The drugs bags broke began shocking her liver, fever and confusion began. The uneducated deputies were unsure if she had a mental health crisis suddenly or she was being combative. As a result, they puta 5’2 115lb two months 18year old child into a cement room with a hole in the ground to urinate. She was pressing the emergency button over and over calling for help, for me. It was told to me that that Sargent told her,” DON’T HIT THE BUTTON UNLESS YOUR DYING!” The drugs were dissolving her liver and the fever was over 105 when she finally received any treatment. It was to late. That one choice she made changed me and those who loved her forever. She fought seven days and in the very hospital where she was born, Grossmont Hospital. I recall holding her and telling her that I loved her as she came into this world and if she had to leave me, I would love her still. In that second, she passed in my arms. I knew I said I was alright, but I lied. Nothing could have prepared me for such a traumatic event. Throughout the years I have feared she will be forgotten, and that people will stop saying her name aloud. This Exhibition will allow her name and face to be seen and I hope to educate some of the disease of substance use disorder. This non-profit exhibition’s Mission has been to begin conversations across the United States and show that our children loved and were loved. Their stories are being told and their faces are being seen. Families who received the call that changed their lives are finding a way to honor the memory and the love they shared. They are realizing that they are not alone, and their loved one’s story is powerful. The stigma of the death of someone who suffers an addictive illness keeps so many families from healing. The change starts with a conversation and The INTO LIGHT Project will activate these conversations!

I want to encourage everyone to go check out The Into Light Project https://intolightproject.org/ They went Nationwide and on September 9, 2022, at the Anthropology Museum /Cal State University / San Bernardino will be in California. I invite you to come out and support the mothers who received the call that no parent wants to receive. If you or someone you know needs support due to a loss from substance misuse, contact me shawnmnorton@gmail.com. Candice Nicole Norton - IntoLight Project or look for support grasphelp.org.