The Words We Hear

By Rabbi Levi Cunin

This past week, I sent a question via text, to a friend -- "Good morning, what is the definition of integrity?"His response, which frankly, was somewhat expected, began with, "Are you implying that i might lack integrity?" Were my words hurtful? Is there anything offensive about asking someone, especially a fellow educator, such a question?

The simple dictionary definition of integrity, as I later reminded my friend,  is "the quality of being honest and having moral principles and moral uprightness" So why, then, did he hear it as a question about him and his behavior?

Recently, I have begun reviewing some of the teachings of the Baal Shemtov, who speaks in great detail about the power of our thoughts. He explained that what we are thinking strongly influences not only how we think, but how we hear what is said.    

How many people do you know who hear what they want to hear? And, at the same time, we may put out of our mind anything said that goes against  our beliefs.  Whether you're talking about an open mind versus a closed mind, or the more technical term of 'cognitive dissonance,' this matter also relates to how words are understood. The Baal Shemtov teaches that there are two ways in which every word can be understood; one interpretation is wrapped in kindness, and the other in judgment .  

The incident I mentioned is perhaps a good example. Just to make sure, i copied the words of the text and sent it to another friend. What I received back was the link to the definition in the dictionary.

To me, this was an important two-part lesson about the words we use and the way we listen to others. First, in speaking, we must be careful to avoid using words that put others on the defensive, even if our words technically seem not offensive.  Second, in listening, we must pay attention to the words that are spoken, so they not be confused with the words that were not spoken.

Shabbat Shalom!