He the most Interesting Dentist on the Parade Route, Today

So, it almost seems like yesterday veteran actor Jonathan Goldsmith was relieved of his duties as Dos Equi’s “Most Interesting Man in the World.” The clumsy tone-deaf dirty deed transpired on a dark dank day back in March 2016. Wow, almost a decade ago. Goldsmith’s televised exit to Mars was assisted by one final voiceover, “His only regret is not knowing what regret feels like.” Good for you Goldsmith!

I was haunted by the most disappointing interplanetary exit in the history of the world; just couldn’t let it go. Dos Equis, seriously? Why not pour yourself into some super-sized Mountain Dew, or suck on a bad lime. Or maybe, why not go one-on-one with the big boys like Tecate, Modelo, or Pacifico? Perhaps some lukewarm street lemonade is more your speed? But I’m not bitter. And I’m a Sicilian half-breed, but I don’t get mad or even commit to getting even; I just hold long silent grudges. My lingering thoughts: Screw you Dos Equis, I am now a Modelo amigo…forever. And just like half of disgruntled dental patients, you’ll never know why I left (unless you read this on LinkedIn.)

And they replaced Goldsmith with some French guy who lasted about 23-minutes. And then a few years later, pox fell upon us in the form of a virus and a number. And shortly thereafter, Mario, the chef at my fave Pasadena breakfast spot, was suddenly gone, but at least hopefully not to Mars (I know, never assume). Seemed like all the key players were being farmed out and replaced with imposters. And some of the imposters seemed like they’d already been around forever.

And now missing persons were not turning up…in my hometown.

I was finishing up my Quesadilla de Desayuno one late morning at my former fave Pasadena Yucatan establishment when it happened. I had boycotted the joint since Chef Mario’s disappearance; this was my first time back in two years, and I felt guilty. And then I heard a familiar but misplaced voice. “In his presence, small dogs don’t bark, they sing.” And then, “When crossing his path, black cats have been known to have a bad day.”

It was freakin Mario. And as the Pasadena legend spoke, he commanded the eyes and ears of the wait staff, patrons, passers-by, and even Yahaira, herself. Regulars Oscar de la Hoya and Orel Hershiser were open-mouthed (while not chewing their food) in rapt attention.

Mario solemnly bowed in my direction and then announced, “He’s the most interesting dentist in Pasadena!”

Mario continued.

"He has been known to eat a Chile relleno burrito while wearing an N-95 mask, surgical gloves, and Vivera retainers without ever having dropped a crumb.

When he uses disinfectant wipes on counter tops, the furniture has been known to purr.

When touring the Supreme Court with colleagues, Brett Kavanaugh puts down his Bud-lite and Clarence Thomas wakes up and starts asking questions.

Birds suddenly appear when he walks by.

His hands are so gentle his patients now cry out in pain while using Charmin.

Wisdom teeth were named in his honor.

When he asks the president to speak to scared Americans, as if by reflex, DJT cries out, ‘They’re eating the dogs!!!’ Then, after a moment of rare self-reflection and I don’t mean seeing his own pear-shaped shadow, Donald is known to shed a tear and admit ‘He’s the most interesting dentist in the Universe.’

When he spoke, Blockbuster and E.F. Hutton should have listened.

He springs forward; he never falls back.

He can really make a mountain out of a molehill.

And though he doesn’t believe in do-it-yourself dentistry or colonoscopies, soon you may only need a phone and a screen for an Invisalign consultation, and the SoCal smile you’ve always really wanted (Thanks for the plug, Mario.)

Hear me now and believe me later, Dr. V is the most interesting dentist…on the Rose Parade route…at Yahaira’s…this morning."

When I looked up, the restaurant was empty. Welcome back Mario.

Author’s note: Von Bulow once did win a video contest sponsored by a famous digital marketing company titled The Most Interesting Dentist in the World (coinciding with the title of Von Bulow’s third published book-so there!