A Next Level Virtual Meeting

So, if you were watching TV anytime between the Late Disco 70s and 2011, you might know writer Andy Rooney from his 33-years of commentary with 60 Minutes on CBS. Over the years, I was fortunate enough to have arranged virtual interviews with Rooney and gain some reassurance and comfort dealing with USC Trojan football losses, dental insurance companies, and two or four Republican presidential victories. I mean, one guy attacked the wrong sovereign nation, and the latest edition sold gold sneakers and bibles and thought Putin was cool.

The first time I wished Andy Rooney were still alive and available for a legit imaginary interview about Republicans, it was 2012 and Clint Eastwood was interviewing an empty chair up on stage in front of a bunch of enthusiastic elderly white folks (and research shows at least half of ‘em were probably missing at least 50% of their teeth.) Back in November 2024, I was desperate. I needed a conversation with someone who’d seen it all…and a visit with Andy from the other side. Now, seven months into the Fox Administration, it was time for a follow-up. Had I become Rooney ghost entitled?

Looking back, it’s almost fourteen years since Andy passed away at age 92. With Rooney unavailable, President Biden leaving the 2025 race with VP Kamala Harris being subbed in with only 90 days to go, I doubted even a heavenly consult could make a difference in the outcome. And for me, resignation, depression, and paranoia strike deep. But when the Trump-Harris debate happened and seemingly, straight outta nowhere, the old guy (who’d forgotten how to shake hands) suddenly shouted, “They’re eating the dogs!” it seemed a career in Law might upset a career in grifting (Later we’d learn shooting the dogs could put you in charge of Homeland Security).

And if anything could entice Andy Rooney back from the dead again, it might be the old guy with swirling (not squirreling) hair, apricot kabuki makeup, and a big red tie while yelling “They’re eating the dogs!” center stage on national TV. But those were the halcyon times before Election Day, Independence Day (more like Armageddon Day), the Big Bozo Bill, the DOGE cleansing, and the Epstein revival tour.

I’ve been a Rooney fan from Day One, forty-seven years ago. I’ve always enjoyed his lasting curiosity (like, why are the things we buy getting smaller, but more expensive?), unique take on stuff (why cotton inside of pill bottles?), and his total distaste for solid gold BS (more on that, later). Rooney used to wonder about simple stuff like why born-again Christians, former smokers, and Chihuahuas were so stinkin’ intolerant: now he had voters favoring a six times bankrupt insurrectionist/sexual assaulter to contend with.

And so, in November, Andy miraculously showed up. Rooney added reassurance that the golf cart dependent, modern-day Benedict Arnold, convicted felon #666, orange-haired Wharton flash, and the satanic spiritual offspring of Adolph and Eva could not succeed on November 5th. Alas, it was too little, too late. And I guess that’s why ghosts never become political pundits.

Last week, as usual, Andy and I met right across the street from my old office at El Pollo Loco. And the opinions expressed then and now do not reflect those held by Fox News, Reverand Mike Johnson, U.S. Senator Tommy Tuberville or even people just like him who can barely read or write. I’ll add La Polla Loca wasn’t present. Polla began offering me senior citizen discounts back when I was just a kid dentist. But now that I have a platinum senior card, American citizen Loca was staying at home to avoid masked marauding ICE goon squads in search of Brown people.

“Andy! Welcome back! Even if it’s just for another Pollo Bowl that ghosts can’t digest. Given the circumstances, you look awesome!

Yeah, Von Bulow, lost some weight from all the grave spinning I’ve been doing. Are you gonna ask me some questions or what?

Okay, I’ll be direct, whaddya think about #47, President Donald J. Trump?

Doc, nothing’s changed. If hatred, ignorance, bigotry, and total lack of class could fly; Trump would be a Pasadena Parrot.”

And what about VP JD Vance, Elon Musk, and Jeffrey Epstein?

Young Jack, these guys are an insult to eyeliners, hernias, and creepy clowns everywhere. Together with Trump, you’ve gotta wonder if they’ve ever had a beer with a friend…or a stranger. And where I come from these days, 75 degrees is much too cold for Epstein’s zip code from waaay down under.

Uh, Andy, I’ve had three hernia repairs.

Sorry JVB, but these guys really get me going; if I were still alive, watching them speak would kill me…or even worse, make me subscribe to Kid Rock on YouTube. It’s just that the likes of Lil Marco, the weekend Fox guy, the bleach blond bad built butch body broad and the Trump-Vance-Johnson unholy trinity (and pathetic double play combo) are always within one punch line of unintentional comedy. They’re selling fear, bitterness, and vindictiveness to folks who’re often undereducated, under-informed, missing at least half of their teeth and a few gray cells between their ears. And you can quote me, “The average dog is a better person than the average person” and for a significant part, the Trump base comprises the Bottom 30 of empathy responding to the Top 10 in hypocrisy. From 2021 to January 2025; the Repubs didn’t collaborate, they obstructed…sorry…like a well-placed hernia. And these days, they don’t inspire hope; they peddle fear like creepy clowns…but enough about Ted Cruz, the Fox cabinet, and the pay-for-play SCOTUS. Back in The Day, Mike Wallace would’ve taken ‘em all out back and kicked some ass!

Andy, again with the hernia thing? Are you okay? Breathe… in through your nose and out through your mouth. Feeling a little better? Good. But how can he be back in the White House and wearing the stupid cap? He thought planes were landing in airports during the Revolutionary War. He’s calling Obama, Oprah, and Beyonce’ criminals: his resume includes thirty-four felony convictions and two impeachments, and he loves the way his Press Secretary’s lips move? WTF!

Dr. V, just settle down and breathe; that’s better. And do you remain the foremost elite athlete/scribe/DDS-type in the San Gabriel valley?

Yeah Andy, but now I’m an age group athlete and retired DDS-type, what about my question?

Dr. V, the GOP ain’t what it used to be. Today, they’d run Eisenhower out on a rail. For the last three decades, they’ve been operating out of the dark dank shadows of all things, negative. They’ve chose to ignore science, the environment, and any meaningful healthcare; they now prefer the Constitution to heavy duty Charmin. Pay to play. Play the victim. Point the finger. I didn’t do it; it’s a witch hunt or a hoax. And racism remains the appropriate “Elephant” in the room; Trump wouldn’t even denounce the Ku Klux Klan in Charlottesville and Mini-Me Stephen Miller aka Pee Wee German is rousting/deporting anyone with brown skin. And yet more African American males and Latinos are showing support. My only take is that the smartest voters are Italians (not Giuliani) and women of color. You didn’t know I knew you were Italian (with a name like Von Bulow), did you?

Dang. Andy, your investigative side is vastly underrated!

The new code for racism is DEI, and who wants nasty stuff like Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion around when so many underqualified White butt kissers are available? Trump and his klan have historically grifted on human insecurities and targeted immigrant and minority scapegoats for everything perceived wrong about America. Trump is an excellent salesman and he’s closing the deal by being the best listener in the room the GOP should be embarrassed to have built. I haven’t met him yet, but word up here is, Lincoln has changed political parties.

Andy, do you think it’s sad that we’ve elected the first African American President twice and in 2024, we’re still consumed with blatant bigotry that seems to speak to a significant part of the electorate? What chance would you give a smart, experienced, woman of color in 2028?

JVB, it’s sad but I’d expect the worst and hope for the best. And remember my quote, “The average dog is a better person than the average person?” I think, these days, the average dog is a better-informed voter than the average person comprising Trump’s loyal 30% base. And sorry to say it’s official, the Secretary of Homeland Security shot a dog she couldn’t lead. Given the circumstances, I got out just in time.

You know Andy, your hair still looks better than Trump’s.

Bite me molar jockey.”